Thank Goodness for Weekends

One word to describe my life lately is "busy." I always feel like writing on here but I can never find the time and I can't even describe in words how relieved I am that the weekend is finally here. I wish it would last longer *sighs.* This week has been overwhelming between the normal going to school, test every day, trying to get hw done, lack of sleep, getting sick, cross country, and the newly introduced college application process. I had my senior conference this year where I got my transcript, class rank, and then was told how important it is to start picking the colleges I want to apply to, fill out some applications, write my college essay, make an activities resume, and get teacher recommendation letters. It's like everything was going fine and was manageable.. and then BAM, I find myself completely overwhelmed by everything.

Needless to say, this weekend is a nice treat and I got to go out with my extended family for my cousin's birthday last night. Mouthwatering prime rib, familiar faces, and great conversation... what more could you want? It was nice to just sit back and relax, talking to me cousins and joking around with my brothers.

A few weeks ago I sat down in front of the computer and watched the entire Jekyll & Hyde broadway musical on youtube. As funny as it sounds, David Hasselhoff (yes, baywatch =P) was playing Jekyll/Hyde, but the show was fantastic and I've been listening to the soundtrack ever since. One song in particular has really touched me. It's called "In his eyes" and it's sang by two women who are in love with Jekyll/Hyde ... but the lyrics are so relatable. Normally I don't spill my heart out on here... {I had to stop this blog and never finished and now i lost my train of thought}

How Everything Happens

What I'm Looking For

Has anybody ever told you "Don't worry, you'll find what you're looking for. It will happen when you least expect it to" ? I know I've been told that. Hell, I've even given that as advice to other people and tried to cheer them up. For the most part I've believed that statement to be true because some of my best experiences have happened in unexpected places, during unexpected times. Like meeting a future boyfriend during a trip to Toronto, or wondering what on earth a "Tahoe" looked like at homecoming with the girl who would eventually become my best-friend.

When I told a friend the other day that she would find what she was looking for and that for all she knew it could be right about the corner... I started to wonder. If something is "meant to be" will it really happen on its own? And then I started to wonder if maybe I should take my own advice.

But here's the thing... what if you don't know what you want? How can you find something if you don't know what to look for? It's strange... I see people everyday talking with each other; laughing, fighting, flirting. But I almost feel like I'm distant from it... like I'm separated in a way. It's not that I'm unhappy, because on the grand scale of things I feel pretty happy... it's just that I don't really know my place in all of this. "And I still haven't found what I'm looking for..."

The "N" Word

Today I've finally found the time to sit down and write here. I've been meaning to write about so many things, which I will catch up on eventually, but I really wanted to write about this topic in this entry. I've had the entire afternoon off from xc so I decided to spend it relaxing from a long day. Having the whole house to myself... I changed out of my skirt, put on a pair of sweats and a t-shirt, flopped onto the couch in the living room, and clicked on the TV.

Dr. Phil happened to be just starting and I decided to watch for a bit to see what the episode was about. Which brings me to the topic of today's blog: The "N" Word. The visiting guests for this debate were Al Sharpton (through a satellite), the comedian Sheryl Underwood, Hill Harper from CSI New York, and Paul Mooney (who I think is a writer for the music industry). Anyway, the discussion started off pretty calmly and civilized while the guests spoke about how the "N" word is such an emotionally charged word and has so much pain behind it. Al Sharpton (who I gave the finger repeatedly to from in front of my big screen TV... because I can't stand his ignorance) spoke about how the word has brought so much pain on African Americans and is a poisonous word with a tragic history. In this respect I agree, because I do not use the "N" word and I think it is derogatory in all senses. Al Sharpton stood for banning the word completely and the famous guests agreed.

The opposition to this point was showed by some normal American citizens in the audience as well as two of the guests. Although they agreed that the N-word is derogatory in some cases to use, they defended the standpoint that it's okay to use it in intimate conversation and in slang. They also believed that it should be used in music by rappers and such and that a "positive" spin could be placed on the word. HOWEVER [here's the kicker] only black people are allowed to use the word. Ever notice that whenever a black person goes over and greets his friends and says "hey my N's!" there's no problem ... but the second a white person utters the word all hell breaks lose? Not that I think anyone should use it, but if one group of people can be able to say it without being threatened by hostility.. shouldn't everybody else?

What I found intriguing, yet also outraging, was the behavior of Paul Mooney on the show. One white woman stood up and said that she uses the N-word in a non-derogatory manner and that she is married to a black man. Her argument was that if we can say the word freely without any racist or malicious intent, then our society has come a long way. Another woman who was African American said that it's okay to use the word as long as long at it isn't said in a derogatory tone. She argued that the word was a synonym for "buddy" or "pal." In response to these two women, Paul Mooney went on a rampaging rant about how no one knows what it's like to be an African American male.. how HE was brought over as a slave... how being called the N-word is only meant for his fellow black men. He was very hostile and when one of the woman in the audience, a Mexican-American, told him to let it go he screamed at her to go back to Mexico. She replied that she was born her but that her blood is Mexican and that she loves being an American and everyone deserves the same quality of life in this beautiful country. Then he further showed how obnoxious, narrow-minded, ignorant, and ultimately racist is. He was the most racist person in that room.

So here's my opinion: I do not approve of the N-word. I think it is disrespectful and derogatory in any sense AND I don't think it should be used by ANYBODY. It is extremely hypocritical to condescend other groups of people for using the word when African- Americans use it themselves and call themselves it. I also do not believe you should "ban" the word because it goes against the constitution of our government: free speech. Al Sharpton was lecturing about how if homosexuals and other groups can ban derogatory words that everyone should have that right. Sorry Reverend Sharpton, but there is no written law saying you can't use the words "fag" or "dyke," although I don't agree with the use of those either. Al Sharpton has done a great deal of good for African Americans, however that is the only group he stands up for and in any case, no matter what the situation, he takes the same side. It doesn't matter to him whether it is wrong or right and to people like him it's an "us against them" situation. In that sense he is racist and so is Paul Mooney.

But you know what? Racism is a two way street... it goes both ways and it is hypocritical to think otherwise. These people want to get rid of the N-word in order to abolish racism forever... but in reality it is because of people like them that we have racism! And although racism has gotten better throughout the years I don't think it's possible to completely abolish it. There will always be someone who is racist.. and lets face it; EVERYONE is the slightest tiniest bit racist, even if it's not in a malicious way. It's part of human nature to feel that way until you know someone and gain their trust, even within the same ethnic groups. I'm just so tired and irritated with hearing the one-sided racism lectures when it is so blatantly false. We are all PEOPLE dammit! Learn to live with each other and cut the BS pleeeassse.

Like A Rainbow in the Dark

It's amazing how someone can cheer you up just by having a conversation with you. When I got home from riding around in the car with the family before, I started thinking about the things I wrote about in my last blog. I was feeling a little down so I decided to busy myself with a new project. While I was being creative I heard my phone ring and didn't really feel like answering, but I looked to see who it was anyway. The unexpected call was from one of my really old friends that I hadn't spoken to in a while. Talking to him really made my night and now I just can't stop smiling. He's such a happy person who is fun to talk to and joke around with. I really missed him a lot. Funny how one person can change your mood so easily. They can be like your ray of sunshine on a cloudy day, or an impossible rainbow in the dark of night. Makes you wonder how we ourselves effect the people in our lives.

One more note: I'd like to take this time to say that I am finally finished with "A Confederacy of Dunces." Although I hated.. despised.. loathed that book, I feel very accomplished for finishing it. I wish it would have had a different ending though. One where Ignatius possibly gets fatally impaled on his plastic pirates cutlass and punctures his oh-so-irritating "valve"? (Sorry for the graphic-ness of that... I couldn't help plotting while I was reading). I also finished the rest of my AP work so I can relax for the rest of summer... all three days of it =P

Until next time <3