Growing Up

The dream that we are our fathers:

I walked to the Brod (river), without knowing why, and looked into my reflection in the water. I couldn't look away. What was the image that pulled me in after it? What was it that I loved? And then I recognized it. So simple. In the water I saw my father’s face, and that face saw the face of its father, and so on, and so on, reflecting backward to the beginning of time...

Sometime between the point when we are very young and helpless, when our parents do everything for us, and the point where we start to mature and become more independent, we come to realize that our parents are real people. They aren't just the caregivers whose lives revolve around our very existence and live to grant our every wish. They are real people who were young once too. They are just like us... people who grew up, got married, started a family, and are doing their best to get by in the world. How we act affects them and how their day is going. Every conversation, every smile, every argument. Of course they have changed throughout life and marriage and getting to know their children... but do you ever wonder what your parents were like before all of that?

How often do we really think about our parents lives before we came along? Or even our grandparents for that matter? What kind of household did they grow up in? Did their family have money or were they poor? Were their parents unforgivingly strict? Did they live in a time of abusive households? Did they act silly as kids? What kind of music did they listen to? What kind of things did they like to do? Did they play sports, play an instrument, work because they didn't have a choice? Who did your mom date before she met your dad? What kind of girls did your dad like before he met your mom? What were they like? Did they ever fall in love before meeting their spouse. How did they react to their first breakup? Why do your parents act the way they do sometimes? What in their past made them the way they are?

It's really an interesting thing to think about. And as we grow up even more its odd to think that someday we will be parents and in the same position that our parents are in now. Will we be like our parents? Will we follow their example or will we choose to act differently because of their behavior?

We, or at least I feel like we are, growing up so fast. Half the school year is already over and at the end of this year we'll be going to college. Even our siblings are growing up. My brother was in his first relationship and its scary to think that in a few years he will be in high school. He'll be an older teenager who is taller and more mature and I wonder about the person he will become while I'm away at college. I still wonder about the person I'll become while I'm away at college.

Good Question

A friend of mine asked me this question and asked me to answer at my leisure. When I wrote back I decided that I really liked the topic and really started thinking about it. So he inspired me to write this blog I suppose:

Question: "Should one live their life always looking ahead while they stumble on roots and stones along the way, or should they keep their eyes to the ground so as not to trip, yet never to see the world that passes them by?"

I don't really think it's one or the other really. Of course looking ahead at the future and the world is important and at one point or another you are bound to stumble a little on the way. If you don't look ahead of you, how can you move foward, right? There would be no way to prepare for the future or plan to achieve your dreams. However it is also important to glance at the ground every once in awhile. If you're somewhat cautious you can avoid a lot of terrible mistakes and maybe even some minor bumps and bruises. Would you rather look so far ahead that you miss a crack in the sidewalk and fall flat on your face? Who knows... every once in a while you may find something or someone great right there on the ground (or right in front of you). It's like stopping to smell the flowers during a busy day. I think sometimes the good things in life are right in front of you.. not in the world that you learn about and travel so avidly. So as the answer to this question... One can't be either staring intently on the ground or gazing forever into the stars. I think there should be a happy medium between the two. Look towards the future, enjoy the world around you; but also be careful where you step and take notice of what's right in front of you.

Random Ramblings

Don't you just love when you're eating starbursts and the last one in the pack turns out to be red? Well.. I do. The red ones are the best, and the pinks are pretty good too. This week has been so busy/stressful and I'm so glad that I'm actually getting some time to sit down and relax (although I have a decent amount of hw to do later). At the beginning of the week our anatomy class took a field trip to the bodies exhibit which was really cool. It wasn't really what I was expecting. I guess I had imagined the bodies behind glass cases in some kind of pressurized chamber or something, but in reality they were just right out there in the open where you could literally reach out and touch them. It's really amazing how they can preserve the bodies like that and the most fascinating part for me was the fetus room. I know the concept really bothers some people, but I think its amazing to physically see how a baby develops on such a short amount of time. How another life can grow inside a woman like that in such a short amount of time when you really think about it. Incredible.

Anyway, yesterday our track team spent the majority of the day in the city at the Armory. Like always, I enjoyed going but it's kind of sad that the trip was probably my last time. I guess I'll continue recapping my week since I've started anyway. Friday night was senior night and they had the ceremony where they announced all the senior athletes. Oddly enough I still don't feel like a senior (yesterday some girl at the armory thought I was a sophomore haha). But the ceremony was nice and I got a box of candy to eat, including those starbursts I was talking about before. Also a few of our ESM alumni showed up at the school so it was nice to see them too =]

Okay and for my last random rambling here: Lately I've been so confused about people and how they act or what they want. I don't really want to go into details about it but lately it's been making me feel a bit out of place. I'm not sure if I should approach certain people in school or just back off completely. I don't know if they are acting the way they do because of something I did or if they feel differently all of a sudden. I don't know if they are tired or shy.. or both. I don't even know if I should be getting myself into anything at all really. I don't like feeling ignored or awkward. But what I don't like even more is when other people get involved in my personal life. Whether that person brings me into their arguments or likes to tell me who is "good for me" or that i can "do better." My personal life is my business thank you very much. I can deal with my own problems if I encounter any and I don't need other people constantly bringing it up. I don't want to hear what other people "think I should do." I choose who I want and how I act because it's my life and my business, not anyone else's.

A New Year

It is New Year's Eve and I've decided to start 2009 off with a fresh new entry (and a fresh new layout). I can't believe that it's New Years already and the time is finally starting to move so fast. I'm pretty much staying home for the day with my family but to be honest I was hoping to see someone today =]. When I woke up this morning and looked out the window there was a full-blown blizzard going on outside and its still the same way right now. First thing I thought was: Yessss! I don't have track! Second thing was: awww the boys do! I don't really remember ever having snow on New Years Eve before but it looks pretty outside. Pretty and nice.. except for the fact that it kills my already impossibly slim chance of going anywhere tonight. Oh well.

This I suppose is the end of one year writing here on blogger. Before I wrote this I looked back at the first entry I wrote and laughed at my frustration at the time. Things change so much. I remember when I used to use xanga.com as my journal site I used to always make new years resolutions. So I'm going to do that now:
1. Graduate
2. Choose the right college
3. Have as much fun as possible during the summer
4. Enjoy the rest of High School
5. Keep in touch with the people who are important to me
6. Keep Running
7. Not get too homesick
8. Stay focused
... oh duh! 9. write on blogger more (like I always say I should)


-So what does the coming of a New Year mean to you? Does it mean starting over? A clean slate? New opportunities? Setting goals? Moving into the future? I think it's all of those things having to do with looking forward to the new year. But I also think the coming of a new year means remembering the past year... both the good and bad. Remembering all the hard work you put into school or the nights you stayed up ridiculously late getting homework done. Remembering going to prom or an awesome trip to Disney. Remembering a wedding, a birth, or even a death of a family member. The good times you had with your friends or the hours spent on the phone talking about all things imaginable. The best track race of your life or your last hockey game ever. Finding out that you're going to be an aunt or discovering the death of a beloved pet. Spending hours upon end in a dark hole next to the stage playing an instrument until not only the cast, but also the entire pit band, knew the lyrics to all the songs. Starting new relationships or going through a break up. Taking the terrible SAT's and AP tests... then remembering how it felt when they were all over. Dealing with your parents while learning how to drive and spending your time sleeping in drivers ed lecture class. Finally taking your drivers test in the pouring rain...and actually getting your license! Stupid fights that we can look back on and laugh (like over a stick). Spending the entire day after prom in the music office. Watching good friends of your graduate and feeling sad that they are leaving, but also proud, and wishing them the best in college. Growing and maturing as a person. Learning how to love. So for all the laughs, the tears, and the smiles... here's to remembering 2008 and moving into 2009!

Happy New Year <3