People and Trees

It has been awhile since I've last written and things are finally starting to slow down in my life. Fourth quarter of senior year in high school... where everyone just floats and waits until graduation. Where did it all go? There is less than 15 school days left and less than a week until prom. At first this year seemed to drag on, yet now it seems that our time here is running out. In my senior year I've started talking to a lot of people that I haven't normally talked to in the past. If you can get past the social barriers established in the past you can get to know some really great people that you haven't ever really gotten the chance to talk to before. What bothers me though is that sometimes other people live in the mindset of the past and still hold the judgement on people that they made years and years ago. So here's my little analogy:

In a way I think people are like trees. As a tree grows, new layers are added to the outside surface in order to widen the tree's girth and make it stronger. The tree grows thicker and taller over time, yet those layers beneath still exist.

From the time we are born to the time we die, we (humans) are ceaselessly changing. As we mature, new layers are added one after another, however we keep the core of who we are. It's right there, deep inside of us. And within these layers we hold our memories. The little girl who played on the swing-set, or the adolescent boy who had dreams of becoming a major league baseball player are still there.

If you were to look at a cross-section of a tree, you might see cracks and scars within its woody interior. Our layers bare our scars as well and they make us who we are, despite the fact that we may hide them well. Without these layers which hold our experiences and are the substance of our lives, we wouldn't be the people that we are today. Without a glimpse into the layers of other people, you can never really see someone for who they truly are.

So next time you look at someone and start to judge by what you merely see...look deeper. That person has a past just like you do. They have layers beneath that surface that you see on the exterior. And although some of those layers may be rough around the edges, nicked a little bit, or maybe even scarred... the core is all that matters. They could be a kind, considerate, amazing person. Knowing that and being able to know them is worth so much more than leaning towards superficial tendencies.

The Day of Love

Oh Valentine's Day *dramatic sigh* ... love is in the air, cupid is roaming the skies with his angelic wings and fateful arrows. Too bad it doesn't feel like it. Not to be a downer on the whole "day of love" but today feels like any other day of the year. I feel like Valentine's Day has become (or maybe always has been) such a commercial holiday. It's an excuse for the multi-million dollar corporations to make even more money. I've seen Valentine's commercials being advertised for months now and people go out and by chocolates and gifts and jewellery. It's not that I don't like the holiday or am bitter towards it (on the contrary i like seeing couples together on valentine's day) but I don't see why a day has to be dedicated to love. If you truly love someone you shouldn't need a day or an excuse to show someone that you love them or feel pressured to have a "valentine". If you truly love someone then everyday is Valentine's day.

Valentine's day can also be a depressing day for some people, whether they are single or far away from the people they love. Some people hate Valentine's day and feel lonely or unwanted. Just because you aren't part of a "couple" on one day of the year doesn't mean you should feel dejected or unhappy. You shouldn't have to be in love with someone else in order to be happy. First learn to love yourself, and then things fall into place eventually.

"So she had to satisfy herself with the idea of love-loving the loving of things whose existence she didn't care at all about. Love itself became the object of her love. She loved herself in love, she loved loving love, as love loves loving, and was able, in that way, to reconcile herself with a world that fell so short of what she would have hoped for. It was not the world that was the great and saving lie, but her willingness to make it beautiful and fair, to live a once-removed life, in a world once-removed from the one in which everyone else seemed to exist." -Jonathan Safran Foer

With the coming of Valentine's day it's hard for one not to think thoughts like "I wish I was in a relationship" or "what would I be doing right now if I had a boyfriend/girlfriend?" or "Why can't I have that and be happy?" This is just loving the idea of love.. not being in love itself. Days like today just make us want the reassurance of love, to know that someone loves us and that we are wanted and accepted. It's a form of self security. We don't want love itself, just the knowledge that it's there, like new batteries in the flashlight in the emergency kit in the hallway closet.

So if you are in a relationship: enjoy the day with your sweetie, but don't forget that you don't need a special day in order to show your feelings. And if you're single, take this "holiday" with a grain of salt and don't let it get you down. Think of the things you have in your life, the things you have accomplished, and be happy with who you are. There is no one else quite like you... you have your own mind, your own thoughts, and that gives you a freedom that no love is going to bring you. Be happy for who you are and who you will become and look forward to the future. You are truly unique and you don't need a significant other to remind you of that.

Humor Me

I couldn't find any inspiration or interesting topics to write a blog about lately until now. (As you probably know: I like to have a specific theme or idea to write about). I just finished the book "Everything is Illuminated" by Jonathan Safran Foer. I can honestly say that the quotation on the posterior cover of the book is true: This book truly is "BRILLIANT." It's quite possibly the best book I've ever read and I highly recommend reading it. Needless to say, you will probably see quotes from it peppered all over my blog and AIM profile in the near future.

"I used to think that humor was the only way to appreciate how wonderful and terrible the world is, to celebrate how big life is. You know what I mean? But now I think it's the opposite. Humor is a way of shrinking from that wonderful and terrible world."
-Jonathan Safran Foer

Humor is part of our everyday lives and it's hard to imagine a life without it. Life would seem pretty dull, wouldn't it? People go see comedians at comedy clubs to have a good time, tv shows like family guy are entirely comprised of humor, and humor is even seen at the dinner table when your little brother accidentally flings his mashed potatoes against the wall (... not that that happened or anything). We use humor to lighten the moment or break the ice during awkward situations. We laugh when we're nervous and laughter can also be seen as a way to bring people together. (Just a random thought: Ever watch a sitcom and at the "funny" part just listen to the background of the show? They always have a crowd laughing in the background... as if to tell us we can laugh now. Like we're so stupid that we can't decide for ourselves what is funny and what isn't.)

It is said that the only way to tell a sad story is with humor. In this sense I think that Jonathan Safran Foer is right with what he said. Humor tends to soften the blow of something incredibly tragic. It tends to make light of a situation or make things seem less serious than they actually are. In a way, it enables us to shrink away from the reality of the world. It can act as a tool to shield us from the dreadfulness of the world, but it can also act as a barricade... one that we choose to hide behind.

Many people hide behind their jokes and use humor to get by everyday. Some people are so unsatisfied with themselves that they make jokes about other people in order to feel better about themselves. If someone doesn't understand something, they may make fun of that which they don't understand. If someone is really upset.. they may try to make a joke about it or try to make it seem like they're fine. Then humor, we could say, acts as a form of denial.

I guess that's when sarcasm comes in. And there's a fine line between a healthy amount of sarcastic humor and people who are overly sarcastic. People who are overly sarcastic don't use their sarcasm in a joking/playful manner, but to project an attitude. They lash out at other people with their sarcasm and they can be very bitter people. Take the tv show character Dr. House for instance. Don't get me wrong, House is an incredibly funny character and I adore the show, but he is the prime example of sarcasm. He uses sarcastic jokes all the time, which periodically pisses off his coworkers, but he gets the job done. He, however, is a self-centered miserable person who lives in pain, has no real relationships, lives alone, pries into other people's lives, and has only his sarcasm to turn to in the end. He uses his sarcasm to shut out the world and everyone in it.

Have you ever gotten offended at one of your friends joking around with you? You know what I'm talking about. One of those .. "Oh you got a new haircut? I hope you didn't pay for that... Just kidding" remarks. Okay, well maybe that was a bad example but I'm sure you can think of something better that relates to you more. If it's just a joke than why do we get offended?? Answer: because there is a grain of truth inside of every joke. The problem is that instead of just coming out and saying the truth to someones face, people will just disguise it inside their humor. So I guess the point I was trying to make is that humor is good and bad. It can act as a needed cushion for tragedy but also as a form of cowardice and a way to shrink away from reality.

Growing Up

The dream that we are our fathers:

I walked to the Brod (river), without knowing why, and looked into my reflection in the water. I couldn't look away. What was the image that pulled me in after it? What was it that I loved? And then I recognized it. So simple. In the water I saw my father’s face, and that face saw the face of its father, and so on, and so on, reflecting backward to the beginning of time...

Sometime between the point when we are very young and helpless, when our parents do everything for us, and the point where we start to mature and become more independent, we come to realize that our parents are real people. They aren't just the caregivers whose lives revolve around our very existence and live to grant our every wish. They are real people who were young once too. They are just like us... people who grew up, got married, started a family, and are doing their best to get by in the world. How we act affects them and how their day is going. Every conversation, every smile, every argument. Of course they have changed throughout life and marriage and getting to know their children... but do you ever wonder what your parents were like before all of that?

How often do we really think about our parents lives before we came along? Or even our grandparents for that matter? What kind of household did they grow up in? Did their family have money or were they poor? Were their parents unforgivingly strict? Did they live in a time of abusive households? Did they act silly as kids? What kind of music did they listen to? What kind of things did they like to do? Did they play sports, play an instrument, work because they didn't have a choice? Who did your mom date before she met your dad? What kind of girls did your dad like before he met your mom? What were they like? Did they ever fall in love before meeting their spouse. How did they react to their first breakup? Why do your parents act the way they do sometimes? What in their past made them the way they are?

It's really an interesting thing to think about. And as we grow up even more its odd to think that someday we will be parents and in the same position that our parents are in now. Will we be like our parents? Will we follow their example or will we choose to act differently because of their behavior?

We, or at least I feel like we are, growing up so fast. Half the school year is already over and at the end of this year we'll be going to college. Even our siblings are growing up. My brother was in his first relationship and its scary to think that in a few years he will be in high school. He'll be an older teenager who is taller and more mature and I wonder about the person he will become while I'm away at college. I still wonder about the person I'll become while I'm away at college.

Good Question

A friend of mine asked me this question and asked me to answer at my leisure. When I wrote back I decided that I really liked the topic and really started thinking about it. So he inspired me to write this blog I suppose:

Question: "Should one live their life always looking ahead while they stumble on roots and stones along the way, or should they keep their eyes to the ground so as not to trip, yet never to see the world that passes them by?"

I don't really think it's one or the other really. Of course looking ahead at the future and the world is important and at one point or another you are bound to stumble a little on the way. If you don't look ahead of you, how can you move foward, right? There would be no way to prepare for the future or plan to achieve your dreams. However it is also important to glance at the ground every once in awhile. If you're somewhat cautious you can avoid a lot of terrible mistakes and maybe even some minor bumps and bruises. Would you rather look so far ahead that you miss a crack in the sidewalk and fall flat on your face? Who knows... every once in a while you may find something or someone great right there on the ground (or right in front of you). It's like stopping to smell the flowers during a busy day. I think sometimes the good things in life are right in front of you.. not in the world that you learn about and travel so avidly. So as the answer to this question... One can't be either staring intently on the ground or gazing forever into the stars. I think there should be a happy medium between the two. Look towards the future, enjoy the world around you; but also be careful where you step and take notice of what's right in front of you.

Random Ramblings

Don't you just love when you're eating starbursts and the last one in the pack turns out to be red? Well.. I do. The red ones are the best, and the pinks are pretty good too. This week has been so busy/stressful and I'm so glad that I'm actually getting some time to sit down and relax (although I have a decent amount of hw to do later). At the beginning of the week our anatomy class took a field trip to the bodies exhibit which was really cool. It wasn't really what I was expecting. I guess I had imagined the bodies behind glass cases in some kind of pressurized chamber or something, but in reality they were just right out there in the open where you could literally reach out and touch them. It's really amazing how they can preserve the bodies like that and the most fascinating part for me was the fetus room. I know the concept really bothers some people, but I think its amazing to physically see how a baby develops on such a short amount of time. How another life can grow inside a woman like that in such a short amount of time when you really think about it. Incredible.

Anyway, yesterday our track team spent the majority of the day in the city at the Armory. Like always, I enjoyed going but it's kind of sad that the trip was probably my last time. I guess I'll continue recapping my week since I've started anyway. Friday night was senior night and they had the ceremony where they announced all the senior athletes. Oddly enough I still don't feel like a senior (yesterday some girl at the armory thought I was a sophomore haha). But the ceremony was nice and I got a box of candy to eat, including those starbursts I was talking about before. Also a few of our ESM alumni showed up at the school so it was nice to see them too =]

Okay and for my last random rambling here: Lately I've been so confused about people and how they act or what they want. I don't really want to go into details about it but lately it's been making me feel a bit out of place. I'm not sure if I should approach certain people in school or just back off completely. I don't know if they are acting the way they do because of something I did or if they feel differently all of a sudden. I don't know if they are tired or shy.. or both. I don't even know if I should be getting myself into anything at all really. I don't like feeling ignored or awkward. But what I don't like even more is when other people get involved in my personal life. Whether that person brings me into their arguments or likes to tell me who is "good for me" or that i can "do better." My personal life is my business thank you very much. I can deal with my own problems if I encounter any and I don't need other people constantly bringing it up. I don't want to hear what other people "think I should do." I choose who I want and how I act because it's my life and my business, not anyone else's.

A New Year

It is New Year's Eve and I've decided to start 2009 off with a fresh new entry (and a fresh new layout). I can't believe that it's New Years already and the time is finally starting to move so fast. I'm pretty much staying home for the day with my family but to be honest I was hoping to see someone today =]. When I woke up this morning and looked out the window there was a full-blown blizzard going on outside and its still the same way right now. First thing I thought was: Yessss! I don't have track! Second thing was: awww the boys do! I don't really remember ever having snow on New Years Eve before but it looks pretty outside. Pretty and nice.. except for the fact that it kills my already impossibly slim chance of going anywhere tonight. Oh well.

This I suppose is the end of one year writing here on blogger. Before I wrote this I looked back at the first entry I wrote and laughed at my frustration at the time. Things change so much. I remember when I used to use xanga.com as my journal site I used to always make new years resolutions. So I'm going to do that now:
1. Graduate
2. Choose the right college
3. Have as much fun as possible during the summer
4. Enjoy the rest of High School
5. Keep in touch with the people who are important to me
6. Keep Running
7. Not get too homesick
8. Stay focused
... oh duh! 9. write on blogger more (like I always say I should)


-So what does the coming of a New Year mean to you? Does it mean starting over? A clean slate? New opportunities? Setting goals? Moving into the future? I think it's all of those things having to do with looking forward to the new year. But I also think the coming of a new year means remembering the past year... both the good and bad. Remembering all the hard work you put into school or the nights you stayed up ridiculously late getting homework done. Remembering going to prom or an awesome trip to Disney. Remembering a wedding, a birth, or even a death of a family member. The good times you had with your friends or the hours spent on the phone talking about all things imaginable. The best track race of your life or your last hockey game ever. Finding out that you're going to be an aunt or discovering the death of a beloved pet. Spending hours upon end in a dark hole next to the stage playing an instrument until not only the cast, but also the entire pit band, knew the lyrics to all the songs. Starting new relationships or going through a break up. Taking the terrible SAT's and AP tests... then remembering how it felt when they were all over. Dealing with your parents while learning how to drive and spending your time sleeping in drivers ed lecture class. Finally taking your drivers test in the pouring rain...and actually getting your license! Stupid fights that we can look back on and laugh (like over a stick). Spending the entire day after prom in the music office. Watching good friends of your graduate and feeling sad that they are leaving, but also proud, and wishing them the best in college. Growing and maturing as a person. Learning how to love. So for all the laughs, the tears, and the smiles... here's to remembering 2008 and moving into 2009!

Happy New Year <3