Starting Anew

Well hi there.. again. I have finally found some time to write on here, and for once I won't be sounding so gloomy. If you haven't been understanding my last few entries.. it'd probably be best to just disregard those and start here. As of lately I've made a decision: and that decision is to start over, to forget about all the things that have been bugging me in the past, and to move on. I realized that in the situation I was in, there was no way I could win, and that in the end, it wasn't at all worth it.

So yeah, this week has been fantastic and hopefully things will just get better and better. I had an especially great day yesterday. Even though there wasn't that much excitement I still feel really good about it. I woke up nice and early after having a good nights rest and made myself breakfast. There was no track, and later on I went to play hockey. We lost unfortunately but it's not the end of the world. I was just so glad to see some old friends that I don't get to see too often. And one in particular made me smile a lot.. and maybe even think in a different way.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and I'm beyond excited. No drama, just staying home and some of my mom's side of the family is coming over. We'll do the usual; talk, eat, get pleasantly loud, play cards, and eat some more. And did I mention the food is incredible? We do the whole Italian seafood thing, and the food is so so good. Yes I know, I get excited about food, but what can I say.. I like to eat lol. And then before we know it Christmas morning will arrive and I'll get to spend time with my family and everyone will open gifts. Such a nice time of the year =D

>Wishing you all a happy holiday! [and hoping for a freak blizzard so we'll have snow!] <3 Jess

Confused....

What happens when you want something so much, and care about someone, and the only way you can clear your conscience is by telling an inevitable and terrible truth that could hurt someone? There is no guarantee that you can get what you want or that things will turn out alright, but anything would be better than the situation now. And what are you supposed to do when you want to tell them the truth and how things really are and you just can't bring yourself to do it? When you try and the words don't come out right- or at all for that matter. I want to tell, I really do. I think part of me even needs to say it. But then there's another side of me that that just can't stand to hurt people, especially when the cause of the hurt isn't my fault. Why should I have to be the one to say it? Maybe because nobody else has the nerve to.. even the people who should be devoted friends?Actually, why did this have to happen at all? And what would happen if I did say it? Would everything backfire and blow up in my face, hurting other people as well as myself? And I just keep asking myself, who is the person that is in the clear? The person who can't get hurt and has nothing to lose? It's the person who started all this, and I can't see how she can keep it going like this when everything is bound to get worse. How do you fix something like that? And the worst part is there's really nothing I can do but leave the entire situation in the hand of someone I can never trust.

First Entry

>Hi there! Well this is my first entry on blog spot. I figured a change was in order since I barely go on xanga anymore and blogspot is pretty cool. My old site is www.xanga.com/jadam3838 .. if your interested in around 3 years of entries lol. oh well. It feels good to be writing again and hopefully I keep up with this. I will try.
> I had the greatest day today, hanging out with three of my awesome friends and having tons of fun. We went iceskating. My ankles are kind of sore but it's worth it. I can't believe school is tomorrow, which really sucks. I have hw to do that I haven't even started yet and its almost 10 o'clock. Like the compare/contrast essay for Sorrentino's class that I have no idea what to write about for. The class is incredibly boring and if you ask anyone in it, its hard not to fall asleep.
>Something has been bothering me lately, and what better way to get it out of my system then by writing about it. Although I don't think this will be out of my system for awhile. Never hurts to try though I suppose. This is what's been bothering me;
*Jealousy. With a big star next to it. Yes, jealousy, I am familiar with the term, but the feeling is soo much worse. Anyone who has experienced it knows that. Jealousy is one of the most irrational, uncontrollable, and sickening emotions a person can feel. For reason's unknown to us we can feel envy for even people we strongly dislike and would never want to idolize. This emotion is one that takes you over, possessing your mind so that you constantly think about it. It feels as if a scaly green monster has inhabited your body and it slithering beneath your skin, hissing quietly and poisoning your perception. When you see them with someone you care about your heart just sinks. No, Correction: Your heart takes a plummeting dive in your chest. You feel sick, nauseated; like you just swallowed a brick and it's sitting there in a lump at the bottom of your stomach; weighing you down and making you want to throw up. At the same time the scaly green quasi-reptilian monster slithers venomously beneath the surface of your skin (figuratively of course). That's my view on jealousy, and it really has been affecting me a lot lately; I've never felt this so much until now. In fact, I've never been jealous in this way before. Maybe I feel this way because of the insincerity of everything and how I know it's all fake. I hate it and it makes me sick. Or maybe its because of the actions of certain people that makes me disgusted. Normally, I don't feel things like this. Normally, I don't get jealous or feel this irrational. I'm actually pretty logical most of the time. There are a lot of reasons why I feel like this. I can't stand it when people try to hurt the ones I care about.I just want this disater to end and for things to be right again.
>Okay well that was deeper than i wanted to go on my first entry but oh well. Until next time...