Free Bird

When I was outside in my back yard watching the puppy for a bit and being incredibly bored because I was grounded, I found a beautiful blue jay feather. Half of it darkens from charcoal grey to black, while the other half is a mix of light blue and dark blue with black stripes. The very tip of the feather is white. So while Simon (the puppy) romped around the yard for awhile, I sat down on the patio, twirled the feather between my fingers and thought about everything...

Human parenting is a lot similar to avian parenting. The adults nurture and care for their young; building a home/shelter and providing for them. Birds and humans alike show love for their offspring and show them good habits... like brushing their teeth of preening their feathers. They help their offspring grow, protecting them from predators and threats along the way. Every now and then you can look outside and see a large bird colony protecting its young in a shrieking, angry flurry of beaks and feathers. It's the same with humans... just minus the beaks/feathers and add some loud yelling and a few crude hand gestures. Did you know that some species of birds, like Penguins and Flamingos, even have their own "day-care" system in order to look after their young while they gather food? Sounds a bit familiar.

However unlike birds, some humans have a problem with letting their offspring go off on their own. Once young birds reach a certain maturity level, their parents shoo them out of the nest in order for the young ones to fly. The parents still look after them and still show affection, but at a distance. For instance, Blue Jays... they will attack anything they see as a threat (like my cats), yet still leave the offspring independent.

Some human parents refuse, or have trouble doing this. This is especially common with their teenagers who plan on heading off to college. Then it comes down to the will of the kid; who decides that it's time to leave the nest (figuratively) and focus on their future. This bird cannot be caged... she needs to spread her wings and fly.....

Semi-charmed Life

I honestly don't know why I'm up writing this late and not sleeping like I should be, but my body is going to hate me in the morning. Not only because of the getting up part... but because of the running part. I finally decided to get up off my lazy butt and be health conscious again. I'll admit the laziness was nice... but it's time to get into running mode again, and I'm already sore (eww). Another thing I've decided is that I'm going to quit starting to read books that don't really catch my interest in the first place. It's getting to be a bad habit. I pick up a book just for the hell of it and then I never finish it. So today I took a little trip to the library and to my disappointment they didn't have many book by Terry Goodkind. Looking for other options I head towards the back wall of the library and turn to go to the next row of shelves... when something caught my eye. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the author "Mercedes Lackey" on a shelf lining the entire back wall. I had been looking for that author previously and couldnt find her but there were close to thirty book written by her. Then I realized that the ENTIRE back wall was all of the fantasy/sci-fi genre. I have been going to that library for YEARS and I have never realized what those shelves had on them. It was like I discovered a hidden treasure trove. It made my day =] ... and yes, I am a nerd =P.

Lately I've been listening to a lot of the old female fronted bands and artists. A lot of Pat Benatar, Heart, the Pretenders... you know. They are just so awesome and their work has made such a breakthrough for women. Their work has helped form a new image for women... one of independence and power. What I love about them is they show that they are talented, that they are powerful, that they can be independent, and they can be feminine all at the same time. Their music is liberating... they rock (especially P.B.). From listening to them, and also a musically talented group of friends that are in a band, I have been inspired. I want to start a band when I'm in college and I want to do the vocals. And in college you have the freedom to do that sort of thing, not to mention talented people to do it with. So that's a new inspiration of mine... I can see it now. The microphones, and the drumset, and a Fender Stratocaster (<3) *sigh* ... one day.

Yesterday I dedicated most of my day to the ongoing college search. Figured it wasn't going to get a move-on by itself. So I sat at the computer and looked at the different aspects of a bunch of colleges. The academics, the location, the music ensembles, the athletics, the tuition, scholarships..... It takes awhile and it's very tedious but I actually found a few colleges that I really like. Now I just have to plan some college visits and keep looking around. So much weight is put on choosing a college and finding the right one. It just takes a bit of time to find one where we will be happy and to find one that meets our expectations. People (whether they are relatives or friends) keep asking me "Where are you going? What do you want to do with your life?" And although those questions can seem somewhat oppressive at some times, they can be enlightening at others. I don't know where I want to go yet, but I have an idea. I don't know what I want to do.. but that's the beauty of it! The possibilities are endless... the freedom to choose whatever inspires you when the time comes. When I was looking at academic stuff and the majors offered I started thinking about different careers. And I saw that what we want changes as we ourselves change. I used to want to be a vet... but I discovered some things about myself since then that make me rethink that option. I'm thinking about careers in music, or songwriting, or broadcasting, or journalism, psychology. I think its about finding something that you love. Something that encompasses your talents and projects a part of yourself into your work. Just finding it can be the difficult part.

"Sometimes, when we lose ourselves in fear and despair, in routine and constancy, in hopelessness and tragedy, we can thank God for Bavarian sugar cookies. And, fortunately, when there aren't any cookies, we can still find reassurance in a familiar hand on our skin, or a kind and loving gesture, or subtle encouragement, or a loving embrace, or an offer of comfort, not to mention hospital gurneys and nose plugs, an uneaten Danish, soft-spoken secrets, and Fender Stratocasters, and maybe the occasional piece of fiction. And we must remember that all these things, the nuances, the anomalies, the subtleties, which we assume only accessorize our days, are effective for a much larger and nobler cause. They are here to save our lives. I know the idea seems strange, but I also know that it just so happens to be true."-Stranger than Fiction

Hanging by a Moment

I kept telling myself this past week that I was going to sit down and write a blog. I had all my ideas planned out on paper and everything. I guess I was just busy having a life.. so I could write about some of it here =P. I need a job because the "Jess-fund" is ever-so-rapidly declining.. so my search for one is ongoing. Hopefully I'll be going for an interview in a couple of days and then tomorrow I have to call Kohls. I can't believe that it's July already. Its seems as if summer has just started.. and yet, in some ways it's almost over. Although I have a plethora of things to write about now that I haven't written in awhile.. I'll only mention two of them:

1) Graduation. Graduation was on the 28th of June this year. I played flute for wind ensemble like every year. The ceremony was nice and I was pretty impressed with a speech or two. Unlike the previous graduations our school has had, this year graduation was outside on the football field instead of in the airconditioned auditorium. It was nice to not have limited seating.. but it was god awfully hot outside... not to mention I got scorched from sitting out there for band. I can only imagine how hot the poor graduates were under those gowns. Nevertheless is was nice to be able to see all of the seniors go up and get their diplomas. Graduation was the point where they all officially moved on... and it was also the day that it started to sink in for me. Junior year is finally over. I'm a SENIOR. How and when did that happen? When I walked into the band room before we went out to play, I saw so many new faces, and not the familiar ones that I have become so accustomed to. It came as a shock .. to not see those seniors talking and laughing with eachother.. putting together their instruments.. playing notes obnoxiously =P. And then I realized how different this upcoming year is going to be. Those seniors aren't coming back next year.. they are moving on to something bigger and better. And now we are the seniors. We're at the top of the school hierarchy. And in a year.. which will fly by faster than we can imagine... we will be standing right there in the seats of the seniors before us (though hopefully in the air-conditioned auditorium instead). In merely a year we will be heading off for college and leaving this all behind. A little overwhelming all in one day.

2) "No matter how long we exist, we have our memories. Points in time which time itself cannot erase. Suffering may distort my backward glances, but even to suffering, some memories will yield nothing of their beauty or their splendor. Rather they remain as hard as gems." -Anne Rice

Another thing I've been thinking about lately is memories... the memories I have, the memories I am making this summer, and all the memories to come in the future. And we will always have these memories to look back on... like a collection of colorful treasures, or a scrap-book, or a tattered old leatherbound book that you can come back to read every once in awhile. This precious collection of memories can almost be seen as the proof of our very existence...the reason we are here... for without our memories, who are we? Our experience and our memories make up the very fibers of the lives we live, and they are part of who we are... the people we become. In those memories, life as it once was is captured. You can see exactly how a person was in one specific point in time... how he winked at you or how her hair seemed to dance in the breeze. You can remember how you felt when you laughed so hard tears were streaming from your eyes or how you were smiling so much your cheeks started to hurt. You can remember how tired you were in that track workout or in those drawn-out pit band rehearsals. I'll always remember playing hockey down at the church... or listening to a trumpet player attempt to play Ironman in the beginning of wind ensemble... or just simply laying down on my bed and watching the Mets. I'll remember running in the rain for cross-country, getting soaked to the skin and covered in mud. I'll remember sitting in the back of my best friends gigantic pickup truck on the fourth of July, while listening to the Beatles and watching fireworks. I'll remember watching my boyfriends band play at some of the graduation parties and thinking how proud I was of him. I'll remember watching some of those graduated seniors gleefully burn the books and assignments they hated in hichschool in the glowing bonfire, and getting a hug from someone special while "Sweet Child O' Mine" played in the background and fireworks went off in the distance.

You've Got Another Thing Coming...

Ready for an anti-authoritarian rant? Because here we go... *drumroll*:

This has been the last "official" week of school where everyone has had to come in and take finals for certain classes. Now during the rest of the year, excluding this "finals week," security has been at a minimum (for the most part). Sure they will tell you to put away the occasional ipod in the morning because it gives them something to do, but there's nothing extreme and usually they wont confiscate it. Throughout the year you are free to bring in bags, food, and even cell phones just as long as you don't display them in the open. The different and completely ridiculous thing about finals week is that administration decides to "crack down" and treat the students like they are prisoners rather than actual students. If you bring a bag it will be taken away from you, whether you let them check its' contents or not. They will also confiscate ipods and other electronics, but the major "no-no" to bring to school is *bum bum bum*... the highly dangerous and lethal cellphone (which apparently compromises the overall safety of the school and its precious finals).

There has been a thorough and ongoing search for cellphones as students have walked through the main entrance and past security to their finals this week. They will tell you to hand in your cell phone and most students are not very fond of that idea. If administration thinks you might have a cell-phone on your person they will pat you down or "frisk" you to find out. Ladies and gentlemen have even been made to turn out their pockets. A guy that I've talked to this week said that one of the security guards questioned him saying "You have a bulge in your pocket.What's in it?" Of course when I heard that I had to laugh a bit.. once in awhile our minds tend to slip into the gutter (mine does anyway). The response to that statement from another person was "You should've told him you had a boner and walked away." So ANYWAY.. this cellphone thing has gotten a bit ridiculous, and to be perfectly honest: it's not doing very much to improve "security." Plenty of people have gotten past with their cellphone without security knowing. I have watched some girls go to the extremes of stuffing their phones into their bras in order to get by. Like we're smuggling in drugs or something! It's not cocaine, it's not a bomb... its a cellphone for chrissake!

I was annoyed about this process beforehand, but what brought about this angry rant is that fact that my cellphone did in fact get confiscated. I got past security and got caught with it, eventually having to hand it in. I wasn't even using the cellphone. Hell, it wasn't even on! So the prick security guard that I got caught by (and I'm not just calling him that because he's the one who caught me.. he really is a prick *cough* excuse my French)made me follow him down to the security tables they had set up to sign in belongings. There were two tables set up about 2 feet away from each other and they both serve the same purpose. There were around 4 people at one table and 2 at the other so, naturally, I went to the table that was less crowded. Then the security guard has a little shit-fit which consisted of "I TOLD YOU TO GO TO THAT TABLE!!" And I'm like okay "relax" its not like I'm trying to make a damn prison-break here, I was going to the table with less people. I had a freaking pen in my hand to sign my phone in! Chill out psycho and step down from that power-trip before you hurt yourself. It's not a matter of national security so stop having a conniption. Please, spare us. (No I didn't say all of that >> I just said relax)

So I hand in my phone and I go take all my finals... whatever. Afterwards, before going to catch the bus, I go to the table to get my cellphone back. Turns out that since I got caught with it after I passed the tables they had handed my phone over to the main office. So then I had to go to the main office and talk to the head of administration or whatever he is (he will remain unnamed for blog purposes.. I'll just refer to him as Mr. M). When I got to the main office I had to go into Mr. M's office and have a "meeting" to explain why I hadn't given up my cellphone in the first place. I told him that "I do not trust administration with my personal belongings. I have gotten my cellphone stolen once and would like to keep it that way." At the end of our little meeting he told me that I had to have a parent come to the school in order for me to get my phone back. I called my mom from the office but I couldn't get in touch and by that point I had missed my bus home. Luckily a friend was still there when I got out and her mother was nice enough to drive me home.. otherwise I would have been stranded there for awhile.

Eventually I got home and explained what had happened. My mom and I had to drive back to school and get my cellphone from the main office after all of that. And get this- when I got my cellphone back... the power was still OFF. Needless to say, I'm pissed, but not so much that my cellphone got taken away. I'm angry at the way my school does things and the whole process. Even when you go to take exceedingly important tests like SAT's or ACT's they don't go to the extremes that my school did this week. They just tell you to shut everything off and put it beneath your desk. There is no confiscation and no searching of the students. When students have to worry about getting searched or getting "frisked" by a security guard when they go to school, there is definitely a problem. Taking away purses from female students bothers me too. What if by some chance one of those girls had their period? (Sorry guys who are reading this) Can you imagine having your bag searched by that same prick security guard that confiscated my cellphone? Explaining why you need your bag? Or if they still take it away.. carrying around a tampon or a pad all day?! That's horrible and completely ridiculous.

It is all just so unnecessary. It is a school, not a prison!! We are students, not criminals!!! Most of us are good kids and are being punished because of the mistakes of a few others. Stuff like this makes me really look forward to getting out of high school. Security, administration, and all those high-up people need to get off their power-trips, step off of those high pedestals they put themselves on, and see things for how they really are. These measures are completely unnecessary... but unfortunately nothing will change. One more year...

You, Shook me All Night Long...

I wrote this blog on Friday so here it goes:

Right now I'm sitting in the chorus practice room of the music wing. It's quiet here and i found a stool to lean on and a stand to rest my notebook on. I've pretty much been down in the music wing all day, with the singular exception of Argueta's class. It's completely pointless to be here considering we're doing nothing in all my classes and half the people aren't even here. Matt and I practiced some pops concert stuff before so that was cool.. sounded good too ;). At least I'm not being forced to do anything strenuous today because yesterday was a long day and I'm incredibly tired.
Yesterday ,morning I woke up at 4 am to do some homework I had forgotten about. The school day on Thursday went by pretty smoothly and before I knew it, the end of ninth period had arrived (after playing Cranium with Schiavoni's class =P). Right after school I had my hair appointment for senior prom. The wait at the salon was ridiculous and they started on my hair 40 minutes after the appointed time. I went with a simple, but pretty hairstyle, and got it blown out straight/wavy from it natural curliness. It still feels so smooth and soft; makes me want to run my fingers through it (well, I am actually).
At 5:30 Kevin came over to pick me up and our families had fun taking pictures of us on my front lawn. I also stabbed myself with the boutonniere pin (clumsy me). Then we headed over to a friends house for more pictures with the limo group. Everyone looked great; the guys in their tuxes, the girls in their colorful gowns. I absolutely looovved my dress: a shimmery ivory with gold and iridescent beading... just a dress I felt so great wearing, the way it moved... everything. Soon we got into the limo and headed to prom. The limo ride was awesome. We listened to Dio, Judas Priest,and Manowar on the way there. The music was blasting out of the speakers, most were singing , and everyone seemed really excited.
Eventually we got to the actual prom. I had an awesome time and was glad to be there. It was nice to see all the seniors dressed up and smiling. I got to spend time with Kev, dance with my best friends, and it was overall twenty times better than jr. prom. The music selection was a bit better and the food was good too. I even got a slow dance out of Kevin, which I enjoyed a lot =). Oh! and did I mention... Alex and I matched! We had fun randomly sneaking up on Mr. Lever and standing on each side of him with our arms crossed... like two body-guards in white cinderella dresses =P. Another highlight was when the group "party-boyed" Mr Ferrell (sp?).. and to the shock of others, he participated!
This might sound kind of cheesy , but for me, the most memorable moment of the night was in the limo ride home. It was dark and they decided to put the strobe lights on with music. We listened to ACDC over the speakers and "You shook me all night long" and "Highway to hell" are still in my head this very minute. There was a lot going on. Some of us were rocking along to the beat, some were head-banging, and most were singing along. Everyone seemed so happy. Everyone was smiling. I was a bit tired, but being in the limo was nothing short of exhilarating. It was like the strobe-lights created little photos; freeze frames caught in time. And that is the most memorable thing for me. When I look back on senior prom 2008 I will always remember those snapshots frozen in time. Seeing everybody laughing and smiling; dressed up and looking amazing. Watching the guys head-banging and singing along, getting lost in the music. I'll remember thinking to myself that it all didn't feel quite real, like it was all part of a dream and I would wake up at any given moment. I'll remember smiling quietly to myself as "She's Some Kind of Wonderful" played over the speakers and gazing across the limo under the flashing lights.

You've Got a Friend

I would like to dedicate this entry here to the awesome friends and family I have. I truly don't know what I would do without you guys. Life just wouldn't be the same. The amazing thing about friendship is that the friends that matter will always be there for you whether you see them a lot or even haven't spoken in awhile. When something is wrong they always seem to know when something is bothering you... like they have this feeling or can just read you like a book. They stand by you and give advice, but they let you make your own choices. They'll try to cheer you up in any way they can whether that method be making silly faces, singing out obnoxiously in public, or simply telling you that you are such a special person and that they are there for you. They stand by you at your best of times, beaming at you proudly, and also at the worst of times when it feels like everything is going wrong and all you want to do is go hide quietly by yourself in some dark place. They try to keep you from falling, and if you do, then they are right there to help you get back on your feet again.

Family shares a lot of the same attributes of friendship and sometimes the two even mix. If you're lucky enough you might have family that you regard as friends and friends that you love like family. Family is unique in the sense that if something is bothering you they will know about it immediately, and they will get you to talk about it whether you want to or not. Family is this tight-knit unit that always sticks together. There's always this innate sense of protectiveness within a family and you know that they will always be there for you, not matter what the situation is. They try to do what is best for you and guide you along the way. You might fight sometimes but you can always count on them. They will always be biased in your favor and think that you deserve the best of the best in life. They will try and make light of the situation by making stupid jokes, nudging with their elbow into your side until you laugh, or playfully messing up your hair. They will try to be funny (sometimes in the cheesiest way) when you are in the most terrible and cranky of moods, yet they make you laugh in spite of yourself. They make you roll your eyes at them... but you love them anyway.

Family and true friends will see you for who you are... at your best and your worst.. whether you are dolled up and gowned for your wedding day...or even when you're in sweatpants and a tee shirt, with your hair up in a messy bun and bloodshot eyes because you've been crying. You can always give them a call and know that they will be there for you if you need to talk (Z). They will randomly try to cheer you up by telling you that you are the most amazing person, you are the prettiest girl in the world, and that they are so glad to have you as a friend (A). They will stay up and talk with you until 3:45 in the morning so that you can vent about whatever you want and get it off your chest (B). They will leave you an inspirational and supportive comment on your blog to cheer you up when you need it the most (M). They will try to give you advice in your kitchen... even if that advice is as bizarre as shoving a broom in your face that symbolizes only something that you would understand (GLD). They will put up with your temper tantrums and even get mad for you when you are the one who really should be angry. But above all, these people are more like guardian angels... they are always looking out for you, they love you, and they will always be there for you when you need them. Always. I am so blessed to have the amazing family and friends that I do. You guys are my support system. So this one is for you... thank you so much.

"Life is all about family;
the family you are born into,
the friends that become family,
and the family you make for your own."

In the Blink of an Eye You Finally See the Light

I can always seem to relate to Carole King songs. These lyrics are so true.. and lately they remind me of my life.

"Ain't that the way
Whenever you think you've got it made
Everything changes on you
Ain't that the way
Nothing is stranger than the truth
And how it comes to you
Ain't that the way

In this life we are living
Moment to moment, day by day
And through all our tribulations
We reach out for each other
And if we're lucky, someone cares enough to say

Ain't that the way
Whenever you think you're in control
Everything turns around
Ain't that the way
One day you're flying
Next day you're on the ground
Ain't that the way

So it goes
You never know what's gonna happen
You never know, but something always does
And sometimes in quiet desperation
You realize it's never gonna be the way it was

Ain't that the way
Whenever you think you've got it all
There's a wall in front of you
Ain't that the way
You gotta go through it, it's life..."

Life always has its way of working things out.. sometimes doors open for you and other times they are slammed in your face. But quoting my cousin Melissa: "When one door is slammed in your face, a window has to open for air right?" Well I hope she's right. Sometimes we think that everything is going great and then a second later we discover that what we thought was our reality isn't real at all. What we believed to be true turns out to be resoundingly and horribly wrong. Sometimes we just wrap our own feelings around us as a security blanket and fail to see the truth as a result of it. We deny the truth.. we are blinded by our own feelings. But when that security blanket is stripped away... in the blink of an eye you finally see the light. Sometimes it comes as a shock. Things that you thought had changed or gotten better had actually just stayed the same and there is no way you can change them. You can't change the way other people feel. Sometimes we open ourselves up to other people, accepting a sense of vulnerability, and putting ourselves on the line. By doing this we take the risk of getting hurt and also take the chance of finding something wonderful... or maybe even both. However, sometimes you are the only one who risks it. The other stays somewhat detached while you are more emotionally involved than they are. Sometimes it can be one-sided and we ask ourselves the question "can we learn to accept that?" or even "should we?" I don't know what to do... some things were expected, but I don't know what to think about others. I don't know if I am making a mistake. Am I missing an opportunity.. or am I just wasting my time? I just need to think... I need to find a quiet place to be alone and just figure out everything. Sometimes we just have to forget the feelings we might have, forget our emotional attachments, and figure out what's best for us. Its a difficult thing to do, and I wish things were easier.. but they aren't. Ain't that the way?