Growing Up

The dream that we are our fathers:

I walked to the Brod (river), without knowing why, and looked into my reflection in the water. I couldn't look away. What was the image that pulled me in after it? What was it that I loved? And then I recognized it. So simple. In the water I saw my father’s face, and that face saw the face of its father, and so on, and so on, reflecting backward to the beginning of time...

Sometime between the point when we are very young and helpless, when our parents do everything for us, and the point where we start to mature and become more independent, we come to realize that our parents are real people. They aren't just the caregivers whose lives revolve around our very existence and live to grant our every wish. They are real people who were young once too. They are just like us... people who grew up, got married, started a family, and are doing their best to get by in the world. How we act affects them and how their day is going. Every conversation, every smile, every argument. Of course they have changed throughout life and marriage and getting to know their children... but do you ever wonder what your parents were like before all of that?

How often do we really think about our parents lives before we came along? Or even our grandparents for that matter? What kind of household did they grow up in? Did their family have money or were they poor? Were their parents unforgivingly strict? Did they live in a time of abusive households? Did they act silly as kids? What kind of music did they listen to? What kind of things did they like to do? Did they play sports, play an instrument, work because they didn't have a choice? Who did your mom date before she met your dad? What kind of girls did your dad like before he met your mom? What were they like? Did they ever fall in love before meeting their spouse. How did they react to their first breakup? Why do your parents act the way they do sometimes? What in their past made them the way they are?

It's really an interesting thing to think about. And as we grow up even more its odd to think that someday we will be parents and in the same position that our parents are in now. Will we be like our parents? Will we follow their example or will we choose to act differently because of their behavior?

We, or at least I feel like we are, growing up so fast. Half the school year is already over and at the end of this year we'll be going to college. Even our siblings are growing up. My brother was in his first relationship and its scary to think that in a few years he will be in high school. He'll be an older teenager who is taller and more mature and I wonder about the person he will become while I'm away at college. I still wonder about the person I'll become while I'm away at college.

Good Question

A friend of mine asked me this question and asked me to answer at my leisure. When I wrote back I decided that I really liked the topic and really started thinking about it. So he inspired me to write this blog I suppose:

Question: "Should one live their life always looking ahead while they stumble on roots and stones along the way, or should they keep their eyes to the ground so as not to trip, yet never to see the world that passes them by?"

I don't really think it's one or the other really. Of course looking ahead at the future and the world is important and at one point or another you are bound to stumble a little on the way. If you don't look ahead of you, how can you move foward, right? There would be no way to prepare for the future or plan to achieve your dreams. However it is also important to glance at the ground every once in awhile. If you're somewhat cautious you can avoid a lot of terrible mistakes and maybe even some minor bumps and bruises. Would you rather look so far ahead that you miss a crack in the sidewalk and fall flat on your face? Who knows... every once in a while you may find something or someone great right there on the ground (or right in front of you). It's like stopping to smell the flowers during a busy day. I think sometimes the good things in life are right in front of you.. not in the world that you learn about and travel so avidly. So as the answer to this question... One can't be either staring intently on the ground or gazing forever into the stars. I think there should be a happy medium between the two. Look towards the future, enjoy the world around you; but also be careful where you step and take notice of what's right in front of you.

Random Ramblings

Don't you just love when you're eating starbursts and the last one in the pack turns out to be red? Well.. I do. The red ones are the best, and the pinks are pretty good too. This week has been so busy/stressful and I'm so glad that I'm actually getting some time to sit down and relax (although I have a decent amount of hw to do later). At the beginning of the week our anatomy class took a field trip to the bodies exhibit which was really cool. It wasn't really what I was expecting. I guess I had imagined the bodies behind glass cases in some kind of pressurized chamber or something, but in reality they were just right out there in the open where you could literally reach out and touch them. It's really amazing how they can preserve the bodies like that and the most fascinating part for me was the fetus room. I know the concept really bothers some people, but I think its amazing to physically see how a baby develops on such a short amount of time. How another life can grow inside a woman like that in such a short amount of time when you really think about it. Incredible.

Anyway, yesterday our track team spent the majority of the day in the city at the Armory. Like always, I enjoyed going but it's kind of sad that the trip was probably my last time. I guess I'll continue recapping my week since I've started anyway. Friday night was senior night and they had the ceremony where they announced all the senior athletes. Oddly enough I still don't feel like a senior (yesterday some girl at the armory thought I was a sophomore haha). But the ceremony was nice and I got a box of candy to eat, including those starbursts I was talking about before. Also a few of our ESM alumni showed up at the school so it was nice to see them too =]

Okay and for my last random rambling here: Lately I've been so confused about people and how they act or what they want. I don't really want to go into details about it but lately it's been making me feel a bit out of place. I'm not sure if I should approach certain people in school or just back off completely. I don't know if they are acting the way they do because of something I did or if they feel differently all of a sudden. I don't know if they are tired or shy.. or both. I don't even know if I should be getting myself into anything at all really. I don't like feeling ignored or awkward. But what I don't like even more is when other people get involved in my personal life. Whether that person brings me into their arguments or likes to tell me who is "good for me" or that i can "do better." My personal life is my business thank you very much. I can deal with my own problems if I encounter any and I don't need other people constantly bringing it up. I don't want to hear what other people "think I should do." I choose who I want and how I act because it's my life and my business, not anyone else's.

A New Year

It is New Year's Eve and I've decided to start 2009 off with a fresh new entry (and a fresh new layout). I can't believe that it's New Years already and the time is finally starting to move so fast. I'm pretty much staying home for the day with my family but to be honest I was hoping to see someone today =]. When I woke up this morning and looked out the window there was a full-blown blizzard going on outside and its still the same way right now. First thing I thought was: Yessss! I don't have track! Second thing was: awww the boys do! I don't really remember ever having snow on New Years Eve before but it looks pretty outside. Pretty and nice.. except for the fact that it kills my already impossibly slim chance of going anywhere tonight. Oh well.

This I suppose is the end of one year writing here on blogger. Before I wrote this I looked back at the first entry I wrote and laughed at my frustration at the time. Things change so much. I remember when I used to use xanga.com as my journal site I used to always make new years resolutions. So I'm going to do that now:
1. Graduate
2. Choose the right college
3. Have as much fun as possible during the summer
4. Enjoy the rest of High School
5. Keep in touch with the people who are important to me
6. Keep Running
7. Not get too homesick
8. Stay focused
... oh duh! 9. write on blogger more (like I always say I should)


-So what does the coming of a New Year mean to you? Does it mean starting over? A clean slate? New opportunities? Setting goals? Moving into the future? I think it's all of those things having to do with looking forward to the new year. But I also think the coming of a new year means remembering the past year... both the good and bad. Remembering all the hard work you put into school or the nights you stayed up ridiculously late getting homework done. Remembering going to prom or an awesome trip to Disney. Remembering a wedding, a birth, or even a death of a family member. The good times you had with your friends or the hours spent on the phone talking about all things imaginable. The best track race of your life or your last hockey game ever. Finding out that you're going to be an aunt or discovering the death of a beloved pet. Spending hours upon end in a dark hole next to the stage playing an instrument until not only the cast, but also the entire pit band, knew the lyrics to all the songs. Starting new relationships or going through a break up. Taking the terrible SAT's and AP tests... then remembering how it felt when they were all over. Dealing with your parents while learning how to drive and spending your time sleeping in drivers ed lecture class. Finally taking your drivers test in the pouring rain...and actually getting your license! Stupid fights that we can look back on and laugh (like over a stick). Spending the entire day after prom in the music office. Watching good friends of your graduate and feeling sad that they are leaving, but also proud, and wishing them the best in college. Growing and maturing as a person. Learning how to love. So for all the laughs, the tears, and the smiles... here's to remembering 2008 and moving into 2009!

Happy New Year <3

Surprises

Well it has been over a month since my last entry. I really haven't been able to find much time to write. Life does that to us I guess, makes us all busy and wrapped up in things to do. When I reread my last entry I realized how much things have changed since then... and also how depressing that entry was. Looking back I see how foolish feeling that way was. Time seems to do that: it makes the past clearer, like looking at all fine the details under a microscope, and you can see the things that you hadn't been able to see in the moment itself. Sometimes you are even enlightened enough to see people the way they really are... instead of the picture you painted of them in your mind.

So many things have happened within the last month. Winter Track started up and I'm now a captain =]. Also Thanksgiving was nice... along with the annual day-after-thanksgiving bronx zoo trip. I have been going out with friends and having a great time. I can honestly say that I am genuinely happy.

It's amazing how situations can change in the blink of an eye. How things can look up for you when you feel somewhat lost and unsure. Sometimes life has you wrapped around it's finger and in the midst of all the routines and busy-ness you can find something great. It always seems that when you are least expecting to find happiness, when you get absorbed in work, it seems to just find you instead. The right people seem to find you... and maybe that is how it should be. It's like getting poked by the needle in the haystack that you were trying to find for months. Well, that was a terrible analogy... but it's an unexpected surprise. And lately I have been very pleasantly surprised =]

Here it goes...

Here I am. Another day... staring at another blank page on the computer screen. It's been a while since my last post and a lot of things have happened since then. It's November now and the time for applying to colleges has finally arrived and my last cross country season finally ended. But I don't want to talk about that in this post. I've noticed that I talk about a lot of things here. I talk about different concepts and events... but I rarely talk about me, who I really am, and what is truly bothering me. So here it goes. I guess you're finally getting a glimpse inside.

I just watched the movie "27 Dresses," which is yet another sappy romantic comedy. Ever since August this genre has made me feel either annoyed or a bit sad... but i can't really stop myself from watching them. I guess it's part of that whole ideal relationship that you wish you could have, where everything has it's happy ending and works out for the main character. What every girl wants, right? It's amazing how a movie or a song can make you feel that way.

People, generally speaking, are overcome with feelings. Feelings for everything we do in life; whether it is being worried about a test, happy for your two best friends getting together, ecstatic about becoming an aunt, or annoyed about how certain people act. Lately I've just had so much on my mind that I don't even know what to think anymore. I'm fed up with the whole college preparation crap. I'm tired of dealing with people in high school. I'm still in love with someone who is over a hundred miles away... and I miss him, but there's nothing I can do about it. And every time I feel this way I mentally chastise myself for it because I shouldn't be feeling that way. Part of me wants to move on and part of me wants something irrational. I have this little voice in the back of my head telling me to get over it already. I go out and have a good time with my friends. I'm starting to feel new things for certain people and I don't know how to act. I try not to be negative, but starting over is hard... especially when you're second guessing yourself and hoping that you won't be disappointed. I wish I was more tolerant with people and had more patience but I'm not and I don't. I feel like everytime something changes in my life or if I start enjoying myself I eventually get pulled right back into the same routine and the same mindset. I'm torn... but I am mending.

Take Me or Leave Me

I think a big part of senior year is just being yourself... regardless of how other people act and what they think. To be yourself, with all your charms and quirks and not give a damn what other people say. I'm a little ticked off right now so I'm just going to vent for awhile.

I'm generally a happy person. I like to smile and make other people smile.
I'm an animal person. I want to be a vet. I talk to my pets as if they are human. They have feelings too after all.
I can be very patient with people, but I have a very low tolerance for extreme stupidity or obnoxiousness.
I also can't stand people giving me an attitude. If you give me an attitude I will call you out on it... or just leave.
I chew my ice after I finish my drink. And I like it that way.
I drink abnormal amounts of orange juice, but I don't get sick often.
Bad food is almost unbearable and makes me feel emotionally cold.
I talk with my hands... my brain can't function without it.
Usually I tell the truth, but I can tell if you're lying to me.
I absolutely HATE it when people touch my face... whether it's a playful poke, or an eyelash fell out. Just tell me and I'll fix it... beware of getting your hand smacked away.
I'm independent. I don't need constant companionship... in fact that bothers me, a lot... neediness that is.
I can walk to class by myself. I can go to the bathroom alone. Sometimes being alone is peaceful.
The first thing I notice about people is their eyes.
I dislike being late. And I doubly dislike when people show up late for plans with me.
I value sleep over homework. I sleep first and then wake up at 4 in the morning to do hw.
I love to run. I run all year. I intend to continue with the process.
I don't like to be rushed. If you rush me I will go slower than I already am.
I can sing, and will sing at the appropriate times. I don't like it when people boast.
I'm not really into partying and I'm not a loud person. I can be loud... but most of the time I'm not.
I hate having petty arguments. I think they're exhausting and pointless.
I like to look nice... but if it's not comfortable I won't wear it.
If I'm really quiet I'm either tired, thinking of something, or annoyed.
If I'm mad at you I won't blow up in your face... I'll probably just ignore the fact that you exist.
Family is very high on my list of priorities.
I admire people who show effort and take their work in stride without complaint.
Breakfast food for dinner is amazing. Breakfast food for breakfast is nauseating.
I'm very calm and mostly relaxed. I do have a temper ... though it rarely surfaces.
I sketch in class. My sketches are detailed and I always save them at the end of the year.
I follow personality astrology and try to relate it to the people I know as frequently as possible.
I don't like to play games as far as my social life is concerned.
If you need something, ask. If you like me, then say so. If you want to talk, call me.
I will not chase after you, but I am here if you need me.

"Take me for what I am
Who I was meant to be
And if you give a damn
Take me baby
Or leave me..."