writing just to write

Hello there. Well I'm assuming you have noticed the new color scheme.. its unusually pink and I'm not really sure if I like it yet. You how pink isn't really me and all. You might see it green soon... or maybe different entirely. Thats probably the thing I like least about blogspot.. its layout variety is very limited unfortunately. Well lets see here.. what can I fill you in on in the life of Jess? AP tests are finally over thank goodness, so is the concert, and NYSSMA, oh and my shins feel great. So slowly but surely my life has been de-stressing a bit (I think I just made up a word).

So Friday night was junior prom and I had fun. I was just so tired and in dire need of a nap. Also I am a firm believer that they need to get a better variety of music at proms. You know I'm not a fan of rap... but rap isn't the only thing you can dance to. I've been to parties and weddings where they virtually play no rap and still everyone dances and has fun. So I'm not saying get rid of it ALL.. just a bit more variety puh-leez. Everyone looked great at prom and I have to thank Alex for helping shoo away some pesky, hot pink, chattering.. people from me. Thank you Alex =). I just think that some people can't take a hint. Or maybe its that they are too ignorant and self-centered to accept it. Its like even if you blatantly shove the truth down someones throat they refuse to swallow it. That didn't sound very nice.. sorry if I gave you a bad image. But please... I'm trying to be civil, just take the hint and stay away from me.

Yesterday I got my long awaited sleep, a whole day of it in fact (thank goodness). Just a side note: The song "Lullabye" by Billy Joel is amazing and has been in my head for a week now. I got up early and watched a hockey game.. and saw some old friends which was nice. I'm really going to miss playing with them.. and seeing them too. Seems as if everyone is off to college these days =(. So after I came home and slept. Also I hope the trip to Dorney Park was nice for anyone who went =).

Today I spent most of the day writing. It was beautiful out so I decided to take the laptop outside and type away. I wrote for a good two hours and got around five chapters done. I guess I'll announce that: I have decided to and currently am writing a novel. I'll probably be done with it by the end of summer so what I'm going to do is post it here on blogspot if you're interested in reading it then. It's kind of my way of venting and relaxing and trying to figure out things in my life right now by telling a story. I'm just having trouble making a title... I'm so bad at titles. Oh and I can't disclose what the novel is about until I'm done writing it. [My Dad keeps asking when I hijack his laptop hehe ].

This entry just keeps getting more random by the minute. So I think I'm going to stop. I think I've reached my writing quota for the day.

Birthday

Yesterday was my birthday.. and I had a pretty good day. I'm not a big party kind of girl that wants a whole lot of attention on her birthday but my parents threw a small party for family. I had NYSSMA in the morning and then helped out at the school for awhile I was assigned one of the all-state string rooms so I was able to listen to some very talented string players. I'm so jealous =P. I wish I could play like that. I've decided that sometime in my life I am going to learn to play the cello. I don't know when exactly but I'm going to. I can officially say that being 17 feels no different than 16 except for the fact thats its strange to say I'm 17. Seems as if time has just flown by.. like just yesterday I was a little kid. This week has been so stressful between school, track meet, an ap test, all-state/nyssma, my birthday, and mothers day. I kind of just want to crawl into a warm dark place and sleep for the next millenium. It's mothers day today and we went out for lunch. I was practically falling asleep at the table. I need to sleep but I just have so many things on my mind right now that I can't really relax. I guess I just get certain ideas and thoughts trapped in my head and they get stuck there irking me whenever they get the chance. Sometimes I wish I could just relax and give my brain a rest. Thats what I should've used my birthday wish for. You know, I didn't make a birthday wish. I can never thing of a real meaningful one. And if I could pick one wish.. it's one that probably won't come true. Seems as if there are two paths I can take. The first one is a little clearer and I can see where it leads for a little while.. but then it gets cloudy and I don't know where it leads. The second path.. I don't even know if it is a path.. more like a newly uncovered path, but I don't know where it leads or where it ends. There has been a long road that I have been on for a awhile that leads to the second path... one that I've had my heart set on. I would only have to hear a few words to know if it was right. God, this must not be making any sense to you whatsoever. Sorry if your confused.. I am too. I'm looking asking myself questions that I probably wont get answers to anytime soon. Oh well, we're all going out to dinner a bit later at some place I've never heard of. But before I go I wanted to put the poem that was in the birthday card from my parents on here:

"If you can value truth above approval,
and friendship over beauty, wealth, or fame,
If you can share your gifts and talents wisely,
leaving someone better off than when you came...
If you find happiness in simple pleasures,
and see the rainbow, not the falling rain,
If you have faith to keep right on believing
in miracles that no one can explain,
If you look until you see the good in others
and keep your spirit honest, true, and free,
Then you'll be, not just happy and successful,
but the woman only you were meant to be.
If you could see all the flowers in the world,
If you could hear all the laughter in the universe,
If you could make all the dreams that were ever wished come true,
Then you would know a little part of the joy
of having and loving a daughter like you."

My litte Maggie

Good afternoon =P. Today has been so slow moving since I got home before. This morning I went to go see ironman in the movies with my family and I feel obligated to say... It was freaking AWESOME. I wasn't expecting it to be so good but it had a decent story line, great special effects, and yeah.. it was overall just a good movie. I'm really glad to finally have the day off from track. After three days in a row of track meets I'm kind of physically drained. As much as I hate to admit it; my shins need a rest. I really hate having injuries, they make me feel handicapped and extremely annoyed. St. Anthony's was pretty nice though, the school itself I mean, as far as weather goes... that sucked.

After the movies and lunch I came back home and have been here for awhile. I've been looking after Maggie. For those of you who don't know this already, Maggie is my almost-a-year-old black and white tuxedo cat. She's very affectionate, energetic, abnormally clumsy, and enjoys being mischevious. She's also "my little tag-along" who follows me wherever I go. Usually she's very lively, trilling when you pet her, and usually purring very loudly. Right now she's sick... and she has been since yesterday. She wasn't acting like herself and then she disappeared for awhile and we couldn't find her. I guess she was sleeping somewhere in the house because she doesn't go outside, but she didn't come when I called her which is unlike her. I found her before and she had a really high fever and was wheezing. Also she injured her foot somehow. I've been upstairs with her for awhile now. I gave her some medicine and her fever has went down a little. I want her to feel better and I want to help. One of the reasons I'd really like to become a vet someday. Sometimes I can't picture myself as anything else.

Her being sick is making me really nervous and I don't really want to leave the room. I know nothing drastic will happen... but I guess I'm just a little protective. She's just... she's more than a cat to me. She's part of the family, she's a friend.. Mag is almost like a child. Whenever I'm sick or upset she's always right there by my side to cheer me up (usually by purring obnoxiously in my face =P). I want to look after her and make sure she gets better. You know when you just seem to bond with someone? Whether it be another person, or a dog, or an animal? Well Maggie bonded with me.. I'm the one person in our house she kind of claimed for herself. I'm hers, she's mine; thats just how it works. She found us at a time where everyone was really frantic and freaked out. My older brother had gone on a trip and while he was on his trip he had an emergency and had to go to the hospital. There was a problem with his heart and he had gotten some kind of infection. It was scary because they didn't really know what caused it. My parents had to leave and go to him while my little brother and I stayed home. That's when Maggie came to us, and helped to make the situation a bit easier. She's been an angel ever since.. with her occasional fits of clumsiness. She's a sweetheart and doesn't have a mean bone in her body. I want her to get better... and soon.

What AP English 11 Has Done to Our Students

Starting Note: Through months of observation within the ninth period AP English class, the students have been studied and categoried merely for recreational purposes. I have made the discovery that the students have formed different groups and attitudes in response to how the curriculum is administered ... "Sorrentino Style." Anyone who has ever been in AP english 11 with him knows exactly what this teaching method includes. He we shall start the student analysis:

Type A: These are your typical suck-ups who try to get our very loud teacher's attention as much as they possibly can. They are under the false impression that he is an all-knowing god that will teach them all they need to know about the course. As much as he offhandly ignores them and even at times insults them, they still strive to be the teacher's pet... a rank which they shall never ascend to (as the rest of us know).

Type B: These students are the most common within the class. They are more commonly known as the "space cadets." They are normally very bright students, however for the agonizing 45 minutes where they are detained in this class, they can do nothing but zone out. For periods of time, in response to the monotone droning of a certain someone's voice, they are incapable of doing anything but stare into space. Their eyes glaze over and if you're lucky enough, you might see one drool (jk).

Type C: A large majority of the class consists of type C. This type is alert, on edge, and will bolt out of their seats and lurch for the door at 2:10 whether the bell has rang or not. They watch the clock incessantly, looking up every 2 minutes wondering why on earth they are here. They become angry, saying under their breath to other students how this is a complete waste of our time. They used to enjoy English and now they hate it. If you look at their faces you can almost read their minds... they're saying "please, get me the hell out of here!"

Type D: Now with this type we can observe our "artists." No, I don't mean your typical art majors who can make masterpieces with pencil and paper, although there are some. I'm talking about your average doodlers. By this point in the year they have drawn everything in the classroom at least once, including our much-loved teacher. In fact, he is the primary sketching target. A wide variety of work can been seen from this group, ranging from stick-figure cartoons to meticulously detailed sketches complete with proportional shading. The artists seek to amuse themselves by their own means because they're certainly not getting entertainment elsewhere in 9th period.

Type E: These people are known as the class slackers. They don't really do anything, including the miniscule amount of homework we recieve (well, actually very few do that). Some will actually participate in class, however they interject with irrelevant information. If you see one of these in class, consider it as an encounter that occurs once in a blue moon because it's that rare. Most of the time they don't feel the need to come to class so they don't show. I can't really blame them.

Type F: This group is one of my personal favorites. They are known as "the distracters." These students have the ability to distract our darling professor in any given circumstance. They can get the class discussion off-track for the entire period with just one sentence. These individuals have turned side-tracking into an art form; one which they have mastered. By continuously talking and adding in completely irrelevant topics little by little, they draw in the teacher like a moth to a flame, and occasionally he gets so immersed that he's blinded by the light. They plan the days' "delaying topics" periods in advance so that they'll be able to do something in class that doesn't involve English. In other words; they have taken bullshitting to a whole new level.

Type G: This is the group of "sleepers." Pretty self explanatory I think. They are similar to type B, except they take it a step further than. Instead of just dayrdreaming, they go the whole nine yards and full-out sleep. Ninth period is their designated nap-time and you can frequently witness them dozing off, zonking out, crashing, getting some shut-eye, catching some Zzz's... you get my point =P. So for 45 minutes they reside in a self-induced coma, which they immediately snap out of when the bell rings.

Type H: This is the final group I have observed so far. I call this group "the analyzers." These students frequently become so bored in class that in order to keep their sanity, they always find new ways to amuse themselves. Whether it be writing blogs in class, discussing the deep meanings of certain topics through notes with other students, or observing their fellow classmates, they always find entertainment somehow. They try to put their creativity to good use until they can leave the class. This is the type of person who will sit in class quietly, pretending to pay attention to the nonsense going on at the front of the room. You will see her scribbling away in her notebook, and it looks like she's actually doing work. Odds are she's probably not. She's just getting her thoughts out on paper. Yep, you guess it... the analyzer is Yours Truly ^_-.

-This analysis was created out of pure boredom.. I hope it amused you at least a little bit.. it was certainly interesting to write. If you think of any more types let me know =).

A Bit Restless

This morning I woke up at 7 o'clock on my own, realizing that I had paused the Phantom of the Opera (movie) last night and hadn't finished it. I guess I had tired myself out reciting the movie line for line =P. That pisses a lot of people off, including myself when other people do it, but when I'm alone I enjoy saying the lines aloud as I hear them... makes me feel special I guess; knowing it all by heart. So I ended up watching the last half of that brilliant movie, which usually leaves me in a fantastic mood... yet I didn't feel fantastic at all. In fact, I've been restless all morning. I even cleaned my room.. and my bathroom without anyone telling me to. And I HATE cleaning. Maybe it was just a way to get rid of some excess energy today. We had the day off from track and I was going to go for a run, but since my knee gave out yesterday that would be a bit painful.

So I spent most of the morning cleaning. Thinking about things... maybe too many things (not necessarily bad things). And the fact that I was actually cleaning sank in and I got a little annoyed. I finished anyway and then took a shower. I got out of the shower not too long ago and I feel a little better... I braided my hair so it's out of my face and I think the reduction of clutter in my room has eased my nerves a little. Have you ever been a little restless and not really known the reason for it? Well thats pretty much where I am now... hoping that writing here will bring a bit of sense to it all.

As of late I finished reading "Suzanne's Diary for Nicholas" by James Patterson for the second time. Reading it twice only helps to validate that it is one of the best books I've ever read. It just draws you into the story so much that you get emotionally attatched ( I cried both times I read it... and yes I AM a sap =P). But not only is the book good.. it also has meaning. By reading Suzanne's diary you see life through the eyes of a woman who faces many obstacles in life and you experience them with her. The diary is written for her son Nicholas, who is just as infant at the time, so he get to know his mother for the person she really is. What an idea huh? To write a journal of letters to the people you love... showing them the person you truly are and how much you care about them ^_-. A bit ironic.. You know, when I was a little girl I used to write letters; letters that I never sent or gave to anyone. I would write letters to friends, or boys I had a crush on =P, or people that I admired, and I'd keep them in a journal. I still have it somewhere. I remember once I gave one of them to my mom for mother's day. I was probably around 11 years old. The letter was pretty deep; it told her how much I appreciated her and that I loved having her as a mom... and I remember, to my surprise, she cried. Then she gave me a big hug. Amazing how the smallest things, like letting someone know how much they really mean to you, can make a difference.

The most important thing I took from that book was the concept of how lucky we all are. To be living the lives we do and to have the people we care about... and the ones that care about us. One of the most vital lessons was "live for today" not tomorrow, or the next day, or even a month or a year from now. You will never be the same way you are right now and the most important thing to do is be happy. Life is so precious.. why waste it by worrying too much about the future? Sieze the day! And when I finished reading that book I realized that it relates to my life... to everyone's life. Maybe it was even why I was so restless this morning. There's no sense in worrying about events that may occur in the future... and ignoring what is happening in the moment. People will do what makes them happy and what is important for them, and you find a way to accept that and do what makes you happy and what is best for you... whichever way things may turn out. Remember today and the happy moments you have. And what's a better way to remember than writing it all down.. so that you can look back on them.. and so can the people you love.

"It's not always where you end up, is it, that's the most important thing? It's the journey itself, and what you find, what you do along the way. Where we're going matters, but so does where we are."

TRACK <333

Hello there again. So I haven't been as faithful to this blog as I'd originally planned. Oh well. I've gotten distracted with other "projects" you could say.. so anyway, this last month has been fantastic. I won't recap the entire month because you would probably get bored and to be perfectly honest.. I don't want to type for that long. I'll just say that so far april has been great.. and the band trip was awesome... no, beyond awesome =).

The catalyst for my writing on here again is track. Today we had a home meet against harbor fields, and although we lost, I had quite an amazing day. It was beautiful outside today; nice and warm with just a little bit of a breeze. Instead of running 2 events like usual, I ran 3: 400m, 400m hurdles, and 400m relay (yes I kindof run 400 meters a lot =P). The newest addition to the events I participate in is the 400m hurdles. I had been wanting to try the hurdles since literally last spring (when I was stuck doing lacrosse). Today I was thrilled to actually have the opportunity to try them. And the result = awesomeness. I ended up not only doing well, but also winning the race, with 78 seconds.. great for a first try (oh and also the accomplishment of NOT falling on my face =D). A lot of people have told me they hate the 400 hurdles, but I actually had a lot of fun with them today. It makes the race a lot more interesting. Instead of just *sprint, sprint, sprint, sprint* .. its *sprint, sprint, HURDLE, sprint, sprint sprint, HURDLE* Oh! Also today I won the regular 400m race, which was really close, and I ran last leg in our 400m relay.... which we also won!! In addition, that race was extremely close and I didn't think I'd be able to pass the girl... but I did.. and everyone kinda went crazy. So overall it was an amazing day for track and I had a lot of fun. I feel... elated right now. And yes, I am a nerd; I got so excited that I came home and couldn't wait to write about track in my blog =P

Track is just so... it feels so amazing to run in track, especially the 400m. Its not as short as the 100, yet not as impossibly long as the 1500. In my opinion it's the perfect distance.. well for my body anyway. Running in track is different for me than it was in cross-country. Cross-country had the relaxing, long fluid motions, where you could feel the muscles working in your body and pay attention to your surroundings. In cross country I'd pay attention to the nature sounds, listen to my breathing, hear how my footsteps hit the earth, and reflect on all the things that happened during the day (or work through things that were bothering me). Running track, or the events I do, is a totally different caliber of running. It's this thrilling, high-speed, adrenalin pumping race. It's something that you just throw your whole body, mind, and soul into... concentrating and almost losing yourself in it.

When I'm racing in track, I don't hear the nature sounds; I don't hear any of the surroundings. It's just me and the track and the girl I'm racing against. Out on the track, its either you have what it takes, or you don't, as simple as that. I don't think about the homework that I have to do, or the things that are bothering me. For those 66 seconds the only things I think about are energy, speed, and the drive to win. And for those 66 seconds, it's as if you escape; you escape to somewhere only other runners would understand. And then there's the finish line; that moment where you see the it just beyond that last 100m stretch. It's at that point where you just give it everything you've got, and put it all out there on the track. That last stetch is my favorite part of the race, all high-speed and blood pumping, using that last explosive burst of energy you have. At that point something in my head just snaps and I just have to takeoff as fast as I possibly can, no matter how tired I am. It's like a reflex, like I'm on autopilot and I've lost all physical control. And maybe that's what I love about it, to let loose for once, to lose all control and go crazy for just a moment. And lastly, there's that feeling when you cross the finish line. The finish line is the place where all your hard work and sweat has paid off. It's where you know you've tried your hardest and your a winner, no matter if you've won the race or not. It's the moment where your breath finds its way back to you, where you find relief, and where you discover that your body is so incredibly tired that you actually feel amazing... exhilarated.

I love that feeling. I could live for that feeling and every time I race I love track more and more. The sport where I can be myself. The sport where I can work hard and it will actually pay off, and where my efforts will take me somewhere. The sport where politics aren't involved, where you can come out of woodwork and still have as much of an opportunity as someone whose father has been involved with the league for years. It's the sport where you push yourself, where you exhert the effort and succeed if and only if you want to. In track, you can be part of a team and have their support, yet still remain independent and feel the achievement of your goals on a personal level. But most important to me; this is the sport where you're not really racing against anyone else, or even a stopwatch. As Bill Persons once said, "A runner runs against himself, against the best that's in him. Not against a dead thing of wheels and pulleys.That's the way to be great, running against yourself. Against all the rotten mess in the world. Against God, if you’re good enough." So running is a way to be yourself, explore your own limits, discover who you are, and even who you want to be.

"When people ask me why I run, I tell them, there's not really a reason, it's just the adrenalin when you start, and the feeling when you cross that finish line, and know that you are a winner no matter what place you got. -Courtney Parsons"

Honesty

Hi there. Since you're reading this I guess you'd like to know whats new in my life. About five minutes ago I went downstairs looking for a snack. Track started on monday and I'm in the typical constant-food-mode again.. but ya gotta love it. I decided on a few oreos (I'll admit.. not the healthiest choice, but I haven't had them in months.. so HA). After choosing oreos and eating one I realized I needed milk.. because, as well all know, milk is a necessity with oreos. I open the fridge and someone left a container of milk with barely anything in it there.. I mean, not even a sip. That really bugs me. Just thought I'll let you know =P. So I went upstairs about a minute ago.. sitting in front of the computer eating oreos, drinking milk from the newly opened carton, and listening to Billy Joel <3. The song "honesty" came on and at first I was focused on other things but as I started to listen to the lyrics I realized how true they really are. And now I'm dedicating this entry to it.. because Billy Joel is definitely blog-worthy, as I'm sure you agree (and if not... c'mon.. he's Billy Joel for pete's sake). Here it goes:

"If you search for tenderness
it isn't hard to find.
You can have the love you need to live.
But if you look for truthfulness
You might just as well be blind.
It always seems to be so hard to give.

Honesty is such a lonely word.
Everyone is so untrue.
Honesty is hardly ever heard.
And mostly what I need from you.

I can always find someone
to say they sympathize.
If I wear my heart out on my sleeve.
But I don't want some pretty face
to tell me pretty lies.
All I want is someone to believe. "

> He totally hit the nail on the head with those lyrics.. and they really make you think. Honesty is such a hard quality to find these days. It's rare to actually find a person that is willing to be completely honest and has nothing to hide. Think about it, people lie all the time. It's become a casual thing... part of every day life for some people. Heck, some people even make it their lifestyle. Lets just call this type of lieing: Type A. This isn't true for everyone, but typically if you ask a female how much she weighs she'll either lie about it or shrug off the question. Or think about school, there's always that someone that doesn't do their homework, yet when the teacher asks why they failed to complete the assignment, they decide to fabricate this elaborate excuse as to why they didn't do it. Would it be so bad to just tell the truth? "Mr. Teacher I didn't do my homework because I honestly just didn't have time and I was really tired. Could I possibly hand it in tomorrow? And if not I'm ready to accept the consequences for my actions." Is that really so hard? OR "How much do I weigh? I weigh 115 pounds.. I weigh 130 pounds.. I weigh 267.576 pounds..." It's not difficult. Who cares? Why lie? I just don't really see the point of all the lieing. Maybe its because people have no trust in each other? Want to hide who their true identity? Are ashamed?

The casual almost insignificant lies don't bother me so much, but some people even lie about the important things. I'll call this one Type B: The type I'm referring to are the people that lie to their "best friends," to their families, and to their boyfriends. They lie straight to the faces of the people they say they "care about," when in the reality, the truth would save everyone a lot of pain. What really aggravates me though is that these incessant liars get away with it! They get away with it ALL THE TIME! Maybe they feel like it's okay to perpetually lie to people, but it's not. It is not okay to feign innocence in an attempt to deny your actions. It is not okay to deny talking about your so-called "friend" to the the very person your friend has emotional ties to... especially when confronted directly about it. It is not okay to lie about your relationships with other people, whether that relationship be friendship or something more. It is not okay to betray the very people you say you "love" and then act surprised when they get upset. But above all it is NOT OKAY to play with people's emotions. They are NOT toys. They are real people who can feel happiness and pain just like you do, and hurt just the same, if not worse. Trifling with their emotions is selfish, hurtful, heartless, and WRONG! Painstakingly and resolutely WRONG. By decieving all the time you lose the trust of the people you lie to, and their trust disintegrates like dust in the wind. Being continually untruthful alienates everyone around you and in the end you weave this thick tangled web of lies that will eventually consume and devour you whole.

There is also another type of lieing. This is Type C. This is a more subtle type and I'm sorry to say that although I am not guilty of the ones stated above, I am guily of this one (partially anyway). This type of lieing is more like lieing by omission. You hide how you feel about someone by simply not saying it. Most of the time I'm straightfoward with how I feel about people, especially the people I care about, and that at the moment is still true. However, I'm guilty of hiding my feelings about the people I DON'T care about. With this issue lately, I feel as if I've been hiding behind a mask of silence. Sure I haven't been as smiley and nicey-nice lately, but I haven't actually come out and said it either. It all just seems so fake, and I hate that feeling. To put on this care-free facade on the exterior and feel utterly disgusted on the inside. The reason why I said I'm "partially" guilty is because this subtle type of lieing (which is more with body language than verbally lieing) that I'm afflicted with is a result of an aquaintance with a "Type B" individual. And although I personally want to tell this Type B Liar that they can go to hell, I can't get over the fact that I actually have a conscience. Being too harsh can potentially hurt someone, and although I truly detest this individual, I find myself having enough concern for them as a human being to not want to hurt them. Figure that out... its a bit mind-boggling.

So in conclusion with this blog entry... Billy Joel is a genius and he definitely had it right with those lyrics. Honesty is rare... and admitting to dishonestly is ever rarer. Interesting how one song and the ideas of one person can inspire some creativity of your own, huh?