A New Year

It is New Year's Eve and I've decided to start 2009 off with a fresh new entry (and a fresh new layout). I can't believe that it's New Years already and the time is finally starting to move so fast. I'm pretty much staying home for the day with my family but to be honest I was hoping to see someone today =]. When I woke up this morning and looked out the window there was a full-blown blizzard going on outside and its still the same way right now. First thing I thought was: Yessss! I don't have track! Second thing was: awww the boys do! I don't really remember ever having snow on New Years Eve before but it looks pretty outside. Pretty and nice.. except for the fact that it kills my already impossibly slim chance of going anywhere tonight. Oh well.

This I suppose is the end of one year writing here on blogger. Before I wrote this I looked back at the first entry I wrote and laughed at my frustration at the time. Things change so much. I remember when I used to use xanga.com as my journal site I used to always make new years resolutions. So I'm going to do that now:
1. Graduate
2. Choose the right college
3. Have as much fun as possible during the summer
4. Enjoy the rest of High School
5. Keep in touch with the people who are important to me
6. Keep Running
7. Not get too homesick
8. Stay focused
... oh duh! 9. write on blogger more (like I always say I should)


-So what does the coming of a New Year mean to you? Does it mean starting over? A clean slate? New opportunities? Setting goals? Moving into the future? I think it's all of those things having to do with looking forward to the new year. But I also think the coming of a new year means remembering the past year... both the good and bad. Remembering all the hard work you put into school or the nights you stayed up ridiculously late getting homework done. Remembering going to prom or an awesome trip to Disney. Remembering a wedding, a birth, or even a death of a family member. The good times you had with your friends or the hours spent on the phone talking about all things imaginable. The best track race of your life or your last hockey game ever. Finding out that you're going to be an aunt or discovering the death of a beloved pet. Spending hours upon end in a dark hole next to the stage playing an instrument until not only the cast, but also the entire pit band, knew the lyrics to all the songs. Starting new relationships or going through a break up. Taking the terrible SAT's and AP tests... then remembering how it felt when they were all over. Dealing with your parents while learning how to drive and spending your time sleeping in drivers ed lecture class. Finally taking your drivers test in the pouring rain...and actually getting your license! Stupid fights that we can look back on and laugh (like over a stick). Spending the entire day after prom in the music office. Watching good friends of your graduate and feeling sad that they are leaving, but also proud, and wishing them the best in college. Growing and maturing as a person. Learning how to love. So for all the laughs, the tears, and the smiles... here's to remembering 2008 and moving into 2009!

Happy New Year <3

Surprises

Well it has been over a month since my last entry. I really haven't been able to find much time to write. Life does that to us I guess, makes us all busy and wrapped up in things to do. When I reread my last entry I realized how much things have changed since then... and also how depressing that entry was. Looking back I see how foolish feeling that way was. Time seems to do that: it makes the past clearer, like looking at all fine the details under a microscope, and you can see the things that you hadn't been able to see in the moment itself. Sometimes you are even enlightened enough to see people the way they really are... instead of the picture you painted of them in your mind.

So many things have happened within the last month. Winter Track started up and I'm now a captain =]. Also Thanksgiving was nice... along with the annual day-after-thanksgiving bronx zoo trip. I have been going out with friends and having a great time. I can honestly say that I am genuinely happy.

It's amazing how situations can change in the blink of an eye. How things can look up for you when you feel somewhat lost and unsure. Sometimes life has you wrapped around it's finger and in the midst of all the routines and busy-ness you can find something great. It always seems that when you are least expecting to find happiness, when you get absorbed in work, it seems to just find you instead. The right people seem to find you... and maybe that is how it should be. It's like getting poked by the needle in the haystack that you were trying to find for months. Well, that was a terrible analogy... but it's an unexpected surprise. And lately I have been very pleasantly surprised =]

Here it goes...

Here I am. Another day... staring at another blank page on the computer screen. It's been a while since my last post and a lot of things have happened since then. It's November now and the time for applying to colleges has finally arrived and my last cross country season finally ended. But I don't want to talk about that in this post. I've noticed that I talk about a lot of things here. I talk about different concepts and events... but I rarely talk about me, who I really am, and what is truly bothering me. So here it goes. I guess you're finally getting a glimpse inside.

I just watched the movie "27 Dresses," which is yet another sappy romantic comedy. Ever since August this genre has made me feel either annoyed or a bit sad... but i can't really stop myself from watching them. I guess it's part of that whole ideal relationship that you wish you could have, where everything has it's happy ending and works out for the main character. What every girl wants, right? It's amazing how a movie or a song can make you feel that way.

People, generally speaking, are overcome with feelings. Feelings for everything we do in life; whether it is being worried about a test, happy for your two best friends getting together, ecstatic about becoming an aunt, or annoyed about how certain people act. Lately I've just had so much on my mind that I don't even know what to think anymore. I'm fed up with the whole college preparation crap. I'm tired of dealing with people in high school. I'm still in love with someone who is over a hundred miles away... and I miss him, but there's nothing I can do about it. And every time I feel this way I mentally chastise myself for it because I shouldn't be feeling that way. Part of me wants to move on and part of me wants something irrational. I have this little voice in the back of my head telling me to get over it already. I go out and have a good time with my friends. I'm starting to feel new things for certain people and I don't know how to act. I try not to be negative, but starting over is hard... especially when you're second guessing yourself and hoping that you won't be disappointed. I wish I was more tolerant with people and had more patience but I'm not and I don't. I feel like everytime something changes in my life or if I start enjoying myself I eventually get pulled right back into the same routine and the same mindset. I'm torn... but I am mending.

Take Me or Leave Me

I think a big part of senior year is just being yourself... regardless of how other people act and what they think. To be yourself, with all your charms and quirks and not give a damn what other people say. I'm a little ticked off right now so I'm just going to vent for awhile.

I'm generally a happy person. I like to smile and make other people smile.
I'm an animal person. I want to be a vet. I talk to my pets as if they are human. They have feelings too after all.
I can be very patient with people, but I have a very low tolerance for extreme stupidity or obnoxiousness.
I also can't stand people giving me an attitude. If you give me an attitude I will call you out on it... or just leave.
I chew my ice after I finish my drink. And I like it that way.
I drink abnormal amounts of orange juice, but I don't get sick often.
Bad food is almost unbearable and makes me feel emotionally cold.
I talk with my hands... my brain can't function without it.
Usually I tell the truth, but I can tell if you're lying to me.
I absolutely HATE it when people touch my face... whether it's a playful poke, or an eyelash fell out. Just tell me and I'll fix it... beware of getting your hand smacked away.
I'm independent. I don't need constant companionship... in fact that bothers me, a lot... neediness that is.
I can walk to class by myself. I can go to the bathroom alone. Sometimes being alone is peaceful.
The first thing I notice about people is their eyes.
I dislike being late. And I doubly dislike when people show up late for plans with me.
I value sleep over homework. I sleep first and then wake up at 4 in the morning to do hw.
I love to run. I run all year. I intend to continue with the process.
I don't like to be rushed. If you rush me I will go slower than I already am.
I can sing, and will sing at the appropriate times. I don't like it when people boast.
I'm not really into partying and I'm not a loud person. I can be loud... but most of the time I'm not.
I hate having petty arguments. I think they're exhausting and pointless.
I like to look nice... but if it's not comfortable I won't wear it.
If I'm really quiet I'm either tired, thinking of something, or annoyed.
If I'm mad at you I won't blow up in your face... I'll probably just ignore the fact that you exist.
Family is very high on my list of priorities.
I admire people who show effort and take their work in stride without complaint.
Breakfast food for dinner is amazing. Breakfast food for breakfast is nauseating.
I'm very calm and mostly relaxed. I do have a temper ... though it rarely surfaces.
I sketch in class. My sketches are detailed and I always save them at the end of the year.
I follow personality astrology and try to relate it to the people I know as frequently as possible.
I don't like to play games as far as my social life is concerned.
If you need something, ask. If you like me, then say so. If you want to talk, call me.
I will not chase after you, but I am here if you need me.

"Take me for what I am
Who I was meant to be
And if you give a damn
Take me baby
Or leave me..."

Reincarnation

Well I'm supposed to be cleaning my bathroom right now but I just remembered that I forgot to write about something that happened yesterday. I'll get to that soon... but first I'm going to start with the titled of this blog.

Reincarnation: Reincarnation is the belief that when one dies, one's body decomposes, but something of oneself is reborn in another body. It is the belief that one has lived before and will live again in another body after death. As a Catholic I'm really not supposed to believe in reincarnation. I'm supposed to believe that our souls go to heaven or hell.. and so on. But just because I'm born into catholicism doesn't mean I have to be ignorant. Anything is possible and no one really knows what is true and what isn't. Our souls could go to heaven. Our souls could go to hell. Our souls could be reborn in a form of another being. We could just die and our souls could die with our bodies and that could be the end of it. Every once in a while I think about the death concept and wonder when we die... if everything just ends. I wonder if there really is an afterlife or if our time existing just simply ceases. That thought really bothers me. I mean, I know everyone is going to die someday... it's just the way things work... but thinking about it disturbs me. It's hard to think that after 80 or so years it's just over. I wonder what goes through the minds of those who are about to pass away and if they are scared or not. And THAT my friends is why it isn't good for Jess to get incredibly bored. But then there is the thought of reincarnation and if it's possible. That our souls cannot be destroyed and that they live in another being once our bodies are gone. And I wonder whether we'd be able to remember a past life or not... but I doubt that it's possible. I have to admit that I wish reincarnation is valid though... and that brings to to the whole event that made me start writing this blog.

Last night after we went out to dinner I remembered that I had to buy some bird seed for the parakeet. My family and I stopped in Petco to get some and while my mom headed toward the bird supplies, I went to see the cats that they had up for adoption. What I saw there was disturbing... in a sentimental way. There were four cages there and the first one I saw was the one on top where a little black and white kitten that looked like Maggie was playing. Then I happened to glance at one of the bottom cages and saw this big orange and white cat that looked almost identical to Cosmo. For those of you who dont know this, Cosmo was my cat who died this past summer from a pitbull attack. This cat looked just like him... from markings, to the eyes, to the big bushy tail. The only difference was that this cat was a bit bigger. Seeing that was weird for me and I really thought my dad was going to end up taking him home. But thats not all! In the cage next to that one there was a half-Russian Blue cat with green eyes who looked just like our other deceased cat, Huey. And... in the fourth cage there was a girl calica that looked just like another deceased cat named Dee. Needless to say I was a little freaked out and thought I was starting to hallucinate a bit. We left the store in disbelief and then we see a Brittany Spaniel puppy that looked just like our old dog Sherlock... It must sound like I'm making this up but I'm really not.

So I don't know why or how that whole experience happened. Maybe it was just "see-your-pets-reincarnated" night at Petco. But it was really weird and I'm still a little puzzled. Was that a sign for something? Is some mystical force trying to tell my family and I something? I guess I'll never know...

Another Day

Hello there! I felt like writing a short little blog today about what's been going on lately. As usual life has been pretty busy here. Yesterday and today have been exceptionally busy. Yesterday we had our useless Friday at school (because we had Thursday off) where we didn't do much... except for me most likely failing a Calc test. Oh well. Then I went to the West Hampton Invitational for XC and got my third T-shirt from there. Getting lots of tshirts makes me happy =]. I actually felt pretty good during the race and during the middle of it for about 5 minutes or so I just completely zoned out thinking about other things and ran really fast while doing it. I wish I could do that ALL the time. After the race we all rushed back to the school for the football game against West Hampton. I multi-tasked with eating and changing into my marching band uniform for my first ever field show. The field show went better than I thought it would, although I can't really say that much for the outcome of the game itself. I ended up having a good time though and a lot of last years alumni showed up to the game. It was nice to see everyone... I really missed them.

Then this morning I got up early for our joint boy-girl practice with the guys coach. It wasn't so bad and afterwards I went to Good Shepherd for a while to watch a few hockey games. It was weird to be sitting there on the sidelines and not playing. I guess after ten years you get into a routine. I'm glad that I can still be involved with reffing there though and it was nice to see all the familiar faces. It's amazing how many people have been affiliated with the league. Whenever we're in Holbrook we see someone we know through hockey. It's great to know how many lives the league has touched.

After the games ended we went out to dinner with Mike and Zarra... yay seafood! Then we went to a few stores and came home to be greeted by Marius and Marcus at our front door. (Those are the two black cats that have adopted us). They're really sweet and I now refer to them as my "M&M's." ... Well I'm done writing for now.. until next time =]

College is...

It seems like all my fellow seniors, including myself, are getting more and more worried about college. Everything is getting so hectic with our ongoing college searches, senior conferences, applications, and due dates. I keep hearing everyone asking everyone else which colleges they are applying to. Some people are applying to Ivy League's, others are applying to SUNY's, and I find myself looking at the types of schools in between the two. Even thinking about the whole before-college process gets me stressed out. Waiting for SAT/ACT scores and planning out the rest of my life.I think that a lot of the other seniors feel this way so this next part of my blog will hopefully make you guys smile and remind you of what's really important... the experience we are waiting for:

WHAT IS COLLEGE?

-College is about learning. It's not as simple as learning whatever it is that's being taught in your required classes though.
-It's about learning how to listen, how to speak, how to think... Learning who you are, who your friends are, and the type of people you want as friends. ... Learning how to trust your innermost feelings and how to find those feelings in the first place.
-It's about learning what's really important to you, and learning what you really don't give a damn about. College is about learning how to tolerate, how to accept, how to like, and most importantly; how to love...
-Learning how to give as well as recieve and how to trust that everything will even itself out on its own (you buy a pizza one night and your roomate will the next night)
-It's about learning that your mom and dad actually do have the right answers sometimes, and that your kid brother isn't such a dumb little kid anymore
-College is about learning how to treat people as people, not as stereotypes... Learning that sometimes a kiss isn't just a kiss, and that sometimes it means more, sometimes it means less...
-Learning how to achieve, how to succeed, how to accomplish. It's about how not to come in first place and still be proud, and about coming in last place and learning to admit that you could've done better.
-College is learning that loud parties don't necessarily mean a good time and that loneliness doesn't go away in a crowd, and that sometimes it's okay to be by yourself on a Friday or Saturday nnight.
-It's about learning that your lunchtime crowd does not constitute your popularity, and that popularity is all a matter of perspective.
-It's about learning that boredom is simply laziness of the mind, and that watching 3 hours of of Thursday Night NBC is not quality relaxation time.
-College is about learning how to pack a car, pack a bag, and how to pack a room full of way too much stuff...
-Learning that people probably like you a whole lot more than they'll ever tell you, and that it's your responsibility to make sure your friends know how much you appreciate them.
-It's about learning that simply doing what you're supposed to do isn't enough... you need to put forth twice that much in order to fully grasp whatever it is that's sitting in front of you.
-It's about learning how to make people smile.
-College is about learning how to miss people enough not to stick them in the past, and how not to miss them so much that it keeps you from moving into the future. It's about realizing that your best friends will be the people you share your room with... the people you cry with, get the flu with, and eat with.
-It's about learning to motivate yourself and motivating others. It's about learning what the phrase "make do" means, and how to make $5.00 last a week... and saving every quarter for the washing machines and dryers.
-It's realizing that every other freshman in your dorm or on your floor is scared their first night in school... it's about looking forward to a brown box with cookies and toothpaste... It's about learning the value of a constant supply of toilet paper... It's about learning to hear in all the different languages of your floor/dorm/roomates...
-College is about learning that as you find out more, there is less that you really know... It's about not being afraid to cry in front of your firends, and that everyone has the same bad habits that you do... It's about learning that you have four more years before you hit the real world...
-College is also about learning that your mom isn't such a bad cook after all... and that you can do a million things with macaroni and cheese... It's also learning that you can get more out of a person by caring for them and being honest with them...
*COLLEGE IS ABOUT LEARNING...
... LEARNING HOW TO LIVE...

[props to Mr. Bolen for that ^]