Midnight Musings

It's late and I should really be sleeping right now. I have to get up early for cross country in the morning... but at least my soreness has passed for now. This one stubborn curl keeps falling in my face. I guess I'll stop my nonsensical rambling and get to the reason why I'm here right now. I need to get this off my chest:

Why do we fall in love? What determines who we fall in love with? I mean, you can find this really nice person with all the attributes you seek, yet you may not love them at all. What makes us "click" with only certain people? And do we have a choice in the matter? Somewhere in our brains, our minds subconsciously decide whether we love someone or not. I'm not much of a believer in destiny... but what is another explanation? I always hear people say "if it was meant to be, then it will work out." I always wonder if that's valid. I also want to know why I always seem to fall in love with the people I can't be with. Whether I've loved the person for eleven years... or six months...it seems like it's always impossible to be with the people I love. Maybe it's not meant to be, or things will work out later? Or maybe I'm missing something I should be doing now. All I know is that my heart races whenever an IM pops up... or I look up into their eyes and wonder why they look like they're holding back from saying something. And I feel like I've lost something when I know that they are leaving.. or have already gone. Whatever it is that determines who we love doesn't fold under the pressure of being appart, or not talking as often, or only seeing each other once a week. It makes me wonder if we are just puppets under some kind of love spell... loving consistently and unconditionally... or if we have a choice over our own feelings. Maybe with those people you can't be with but have always loved, it's worth the wait. Or maybe its just a waste of hope and time. I guess I'll never know.

Judgement Day

So I'm alive... and breathing and writing this blog. I feel alright but I couldn't say the same for myself a few hours ago. Well today was the first day of "hell week" for cross country and also many other sports. The first day is the judgement day... where it becomes clear who has been running all summer and who has not. Personally, I was a bit lazy this summer. That was due to the fact that it was pretty damn hot out and also that I pretty much hate long distance. Anyway, I won't make more excuses but I feel like writing about what goes on inside my head during hell week (and also races during the season).

Unlike track, where I can use bursts of speed for up to 400m or even 600m and there really isn't any prolonged pain, long distance for me is agony. I'm not built for that.. I'm built for mid-distance sprinting. During track my mind goes fast thinking things like... Faster. Pump Arms. On toes. Accelerate. Finish line. But cross country.. oh no. It's not a fast thought process with rushed ideas. You are given all the time in the world to think.. and that's where my negativity shines through. My mind is pretty much: Okay I'm getting kind of tired now. Oh! Theres a cramp in my side. Take deeper breaths. Keep on going. Keep those feet moving. Ten to fifteen minutes later... *gasps for air* I can't breathe. My shins are killing me. Every step is making my leg throb. How much longer do we have to do this for?! Another 20 minutes?!... do me a favor and kill me now! Why am I even doing this? You can just stop running you know... no one will like you any less. God I hate this sport. I CAN'T do this dammit! Why should I keep on going? Because I love running.... yep, that's it, I love running... I love to run.. and running... love to...

And tomorrow I will go back again. Maybe if I drill "I love running" into my head enough I might actually start to believe it. This sport tests your body as well as your will power... did I meantion your sanity? I cannot wait until hell week is over. On a brighter note: I got a new haircut! It's a lot shorter than it was, thank goodness, and my curls are back =]. I also decided to get sidebangs and it turns out I love them. I never thought I'd have bangs again after the third grade. It's a cute/fun haircut... good for rocking out to music with (especially when playing guitar hero --> which my parents got a laugh out of). Oh and my day after XC has been pretty nice so far. I ate lunch, took a shower while listening to some fun music, and napped. Yay for napping!

On that note I'll close. Until next time <3

Carry On

Right now it's 9:48 but it feels like it's after midnight to me. I took the laptop on my bed and Todd is sleeping about 7 inches from my leg. I had to bathe him yet again today and Maggie too. Those damn fleas are relentless... they should be banished off the face of the planet. I can't believe summer is almost over and we're going back to school soon. I really need to finish up the AP work but I dread having to read "A confederacy of Dunces." I actually sat down and made a strenuous effort to read it before, that is before I became completely disgusted and had to stop. While I read I realized that Ignatius (the main character) has a strong resemblance to someone I encountered recently. This was someone I had known of before a two weekends ago but hadn't really talked to him much... and then to my misfortune I was obligated to entertain/converse with him. Needless to say I would much rather keep my distance from both this person and Ignatius Reilley.

Last night I decided to clean out my horribly cluttered and disastrously messy closet. As some of you might know, for the past year or so I haven't permitted any of my guests to look in there. Yes, it really was that bad. My motivation for this task was to find my long lost keys, but I also wanted something to do because I had a lot on my mind. The challenge took a good 3 hours and also 3 filled garbage bags but now it looks spotlessly clean. I also cleaned my room while I was at it. It's strange to look around and see everything meticulously in place. In that respect I feel somewhat accomplished.

Sorry to keep jumping around here, but I wanted to mention a movie I saw. The night before last I sat down to watch "Becoming Jane" about the life of Jane Austen (author of Pride and Prejudice). I should also mention that the stereotypical 'chick-flicks' have been making me feel sick to my stomach lately. This movie however was different. Unlike all Jane Austen's novels, where the heroine ends up happily in love with a wealthy suitor, the life of the author was different. Unlike her heroines, Jane did not end up with the love of her life. She never married, she lived by her pen, and she became a famous author. To be completely honest, the unexpected ending was refreshing. It wasn't the romantic fantasy ending we see all the time. Instead it was real and undiluted. That's why I liked it so much.

I'm starting to wonder how many people actually read this blog. I mean, I would still write if nobody read it, but sometimes I wonder. Lately I feel a bit... left out in some ways. It's hard when you expect a situation to turn out a certain way and then it isn't all how you imagined it. I feel out of the loop and out of communication from some people. Like things are so much different now, which I guess they are. I feel almost disregarded, and forgotten, and abandoned. I know those words sound harsh but I can't find another way to describe it. I know there's probably reasons for it... what was I expecting really? Things aren't ever going to be the same. Maybe I should just get over it. Maybe I need to carry on with my own life.

Isn't It Ironic?

Right now I'm sitting at the kitchen table on the laptop. My mom is cooking Chicken Cacciatore on the stove about 4 feet away from me. The aroma has pretty much permeated throughout the whole house. When I breathe it in I can almost taste it. If you've never had this recipe before... its chicken cooked in a red sauce with onions, mushrooms, and a few peppers, all served over right. The smell is mouth-watering and indescribable. If heaven could taste like anything... this is what it would taste like.

So anyway, I should really stop gushing about my upcoming dinner lol. I'm hungry *stomach grumbles* This week/weekend has been very eventful. Mon-Fri I had bad camp every morning. During some points of it I felt annoyed... but as a whole I can honestly say: I had fun. Then on Sunday we went up to Boston to visit Northeastern university. I was expecting this beautiful campus in a great neighborhood and I thought that I'd really love it. Turns out this wasn't the case at all. I actually hated it and I wasn't crazy about Boston either. The college was in "the hood" of Boston (yes, i said 'the hood' =P) and the neighborhood was really shabby. i didn't feel safe there at all and i could never live there.

We ended up driving home the same day and I was really disappointed about the college. My dad suggested that we go visit Hofstra the next day so when I got home I scheduled a tour. I figured that it couldn't be much worse than the other one. Well, it definitely wasn't as bad as the other one... in fact, it wasn't bad at all... it was actually quite amazing. Hofstra offers so much academically, musically, and the campus is beautiful. I was extremely impressed and the more I saw, the more I fell in love with it. They say that you can tell if you belong there as soon at you step onto a campus. Now I know that its correct. Hofstra was perfect in every way.

Ironic, isn't it? How things turn out. I ended up hating the college I thought I'd love, and loving the college I thought I'd hate. I guess i should underestimate a good thing right around the corner. I feel a bit enlightened. My eyes are open to all the possibilities now. I finally know what I want from a college. I was starting to think that maybe what I was looking for in a college didn't exist. And I also feel a bit relieved that I finally found a college that I love.

Until next time <3

Without you

"Without you, the breeze warms
the girl smiles
the cloud moves

Without you, the tides change
the boys run
the oceans crash

The crowds roar
the days soar
the babies cry
without you

The moon glows
the river flows...

The world revives
colors renew
but I know blue
only blue
Lonely blue
Willingly blue
Without you

Without you, the hand gropes
the ear hears
the pulse beats

Without you, the eyes gaze
the legs walk
the lungs breathe

The mind churns
the heart yearns
the tears dry without you

Life goes on...

Out Here Counting Airplanes

I meant to write this blog a few days ago... but as I keep repeating on here... my life has gotten so busy. I just woke up an hour early, forgetting that marching band is an hour later today so I decided to write. However I should probably take advantage of the extra sleeping time... oh well.

On Saturday night I went to the Mets game at Shea. At first I really wasn't looking foward to going and would have rather been somewhere else. I had plans for that night that I had to give up for that game. When we first got there I was in a terrible mood. We pretty much parked in Guam and crowds of people tend to get in the way and be really annoying. Our seats were in the third tier but they were actually decent seats right behind home plate where you can see everything. Well... you can see everything if you aren't near-sighted =P. Anyway, I ended up having a nice time. Going to a Mets game, or any MLB game, is so much better than seeing the Long Island Ducks. When I saw the Ducks last week I was so bored, but being in Shea Stadium is so much different. It is exhilarating to be part of that massive multitude of people packing the stadium. When everyone cheers its like one big voice made up of thousands. You can feel the excitement, or the anticipation, or the shock, or the disappointment ripple through the crowd.

A few interesting... umm... events took place. First of course there was the green-eyed guy leering at me while he sat to my right. It was harmless but I just wasn't in the mood and found it a bit annoying instead of flattering. Under the circumstances you can't really expect anything else. Then there was the green-eyed guys obnoxious Marlin-fan buddy who would not shut up. To our left were the group of loud white guys who announced that our section "just got a hell of a lot better" when they arrived. Oh! and my personal favorite: the group of spanish guys who arrived already drunk. One of the spanish guys sat next to me dad and kept putting his arm around his shoulders, offering him fries, and talking to him.... oblivious to the fact that he was wasted. At least he was a happy drunk though. The funniest part of the night: The guys who announced that our section got better spilled beer all over himself becoming completely soaked. Shirt, pants, and all. He stands up yelling that he's completely soaked and that it was so embarrasing... and then *BAM* He drops his pants down to his ankles, revealing the eye-burning sight of him in tighty-whities. We'll just say that for a moment... our entire section went into shock and then roared with laughter. You can always see something interesting at a Mets game.

Ever since I was little I would count airplanes when I went to a baseball game at Shea Stadium. This time I counted 21. Then I remembered the lyrics to a song by Train so I thought I'd put them here:

"And there seems to be a price for everything
You get what you pay for then you pay for
What you already thought you bought before

When you're up between the new sky line
The city lights and the warm sunshine
It's a long way down
When you can count on one hand what you love
And can count on who you love to help you
On your long way down

You end up counting airplanes
Trying to keep up with these changes
I don't wanna be with anybody else"

Time after Time

What exactly is time? I was thinking about this the other day and then I remembered that someone made an argument that time does not exist a few months ago. There are so many expressions that go hand in hand with the word "time": Once upon a time... I haven't got the time... the time of your life...time flies...time's-up ... time is running out... the Land before time =P. See... I think time exists, but not in the sense that it's most commonly associated with. I'm not referring to the cyclic time mankind has made according to the stars and the earth's orbit, where everything is divided into intervals. I'm not talking about the increments of years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, and seconds. Those are just measurements to help human kind form schedules and become more organized. Sometimes I feel like this sort of "time," where everyone wears a watch or is constantly watching their cellphones, has put life in such a rush. Everyone is speeding through their busy schedules, worrying about where they have to go or if they will miss an appointment. When was the last time they just stopped and noticed the beauty of life around them. You know... stopped and smelled a flower, looked at the moon, wished on a star? This is the type of time I believe in. I'm referring to time in the sense of "life" ... life lived and life unlived. Memories, and the memories to start.

"Life time" is an interesting thing isn't it? Sometimes you wish it would pass by quickly because you are anxious for something to come, or sometimes you wish it would slow down because you don't want something to end. You might even feel both ways at the same time. At moments you might wish you had more of it. You might want to go back to certain moment in your life and fix a mistake. Sometimes we can even wish to stop time... and delay life, just so we can stay in one moment forever and prolong the inevitable. But we can't stop time, we can't stop life. It is fleeting with opportunies and chances that we must choose to take or ignore. We can't fast-foward or rewind our lives like a favorite movie or an audio cassette. Life doesn't slow down or speed up for anyone and we have to deal with the situations we are faced with. We are only given a certain amount of time, a certain amount of life, and it is up to us to choose what we do with it.


"How do you measure the life
Of a woman or a man?

In truths that she learned,
Or in times that he cried.
In bridges he burned,
Or the way that she died.

It's time now to sing out,
Tho' the story never ends
Let's celebrate
Remember a year in the life of friends
Remember the love!"

Awake

So it's 2:15 and I have the feeling this is going to be another long night (into morning). I just can't seem to be able to sleep lately. For the past three nights I've been up until four in the morning. Maybe I've developed insomnia. I can't even give a good explanation why I can't sleep or why my sleeping schedule is so erratic these days. Oh well. I just wanted to put these lyrics here: --> Awake

"If I could make these moments endless
If I could stop the winds of change
If we just keep our eyes wide open
Then everything would stay the same

And I know that only time will tell me how
We'll carry on without each other

So keep me awake for every moment
Give us more time to be this way
We can't stay like this forever
But I can have you next to me today

We'll let tomorrow wait, you're here, right now, with me
All my fears just fall away, when you are all I see

We can't stay like this forever
But I have you here today

And I will remember
Oh I will remember
Remember all the love we shared today"

..............Good night <3

August Rush

Yay... time for a 2 o'clock in the morning blog session. About half an hour ago I was laying in bed, unable to sleep, and thinking about writing for a bit. It took me awhile to actually get motivated enough to go to the computer but that gave me some time to think. I was under the covers nice and warm, in contrast to my air-conditioned room, while Mag stared mesmerized at my lighting lamp like it was the coolest thing she's even seen. Have I mentioned that I completely adore that cat?

I listened to Josh Groban on my ipod for a while and I think I have a new favorite music artist. Holy crap he is... INCREDIBLE. His baritone voice is so strong and powerful, but also so gentle and controlled. His voice is so expressive and he has the most amazing vocal range. Listening to him can make you smile or even want to cry depending on the song. I can honestly say his is the most beautiful male voice I have heard in my entire life. I really enjoy listening to talented male vocalists because it's just more appealing and soothing to me. He has the voice of an angel. An angel of music? Well, now all he has to is sing phantom of the opera and I'd die and go to heaven.

Speaking of music... I saw the movie "August Rush" the other day. It was about an orphaned kid who tries to find his parents through music. Both of his parents are musically talented and the kid turns out to be a musical prodigy. The movie was really great and also heart-warming. The title intrigued me and when I was trying to sleep before I thought of how things are about to get so busy in my life. August is finally here and it has arrived in a whirlwind. Everything is just flying by so fast. Cross-country is starting, Kevin is leaving in a week, the wedding, marching band, summer work, and college visits. It always seemed like August was far away... like it was so far off in the distance and would never arrive. But August is here and sometimes, although we might want to, we can't stop time. Time has to run its course. Things are about to change and I guess we just have to stand up and face it. We have to face the August Rush.

Immaturity

Okay look. I am normally a very calm person. My temperament is solid, steady, and tranquil. For those of you who know me... you know that I don't get truly mad at most of the everyday things that bother other people. I can endure a lot of annoyance and exhibit self control most of the time. The only time I truly lose my temper is when things build up and I just can't take it anymore. Then the volcano explodes and you can be prepared for a raging, stormy temper. However, like a volcano... eruptions are somewhat rare.

One thing I just can't stand is immaturity. I cannot deal with immaturity on any level. It makes me lose my patience and just become so angry. Whether it be that little kind whining and throwing a temper tantrum in the supermarket to his mother, or a parent making a close-minded argument to their teenage son/daughter, it irks me to no end. It makes me so angry!! I think what bothers me the most though is when people who know better act this way. A little kid I can understand... because facing the facts: they are not mature. But a 12-13 year old throwing a temper tantrum over not getting to watch tv when he wants? They know better and there is no good reason as to why they should act like a bratty 6 year old who didn't get the toy he wanted. In my opinion, when you get to a certain age... just GROW UP already because acting like that is complete bullshit. I mean, it's not like your tv privileges are being taken away for life... or that you are having a constant argument where you have to defend yourself and your opinions on college daily... just wait 20 more minutes until my show is over and then you can do whatever you want. Or watch the puppy for 10 minutes while I take a shower. It's not really too much to ask, is it? Because if it is I honestly think I've lost my mind then. But no... certain people have to whine and bitch and complain just because they didn't get their way in this very instant. Oh and get the rest of us grounded... which better not last more than today because if it does I might have my own little temper eruption. I'm kind of on a time limit here and although I'm over that fact generally... I'm a bit stressed out.

God I just HATE immaturity. So lets just put it this way... if you are going to act extremely childish and immature in my presence.. please don't even bother because at this rate I just can't handle it. Sorry for the angry rant.. I'm done now.