Honesty

Hi there. Since you're reading this I guess you'd like to know whats new in my life. About five minutes ago I went downstairs looking for a snack. Track started on monday and I'm in the typical constant-food-mode again.. but ya gotta love it. I decided on a few oreos (I'll admit.. not the healthiest choice, but I haven't had them in months.. so HA). After choosing oreos and eating one I realized I needed milk.. because, as well all know, milk is a necessity with oreos. I open the fridge and someone left a container of milk with barely anything in it there.. I mean, not even a sip. That really bugs me. Just thought I'll let you know =P. So I went upstairs about a minute ago.. sitting in front of the computer eating oreos, drinking milk from the newly opened carton, and listening to Billy Joel <3. The song "honesty" came on and at first I was focused on other things but as I started to listen to the lyrics I realized how true they really are. And now I'm dedicating this entry to it.. because Billy Joel is definitely blog-worthy, as I'm sure you agree (and if not... c'mon.. he's Billy Joel for pete's sake). Here it goes:

"If you search for tenderness
it isn't hard to find.
You can have the love you need to live.
But if you look for truthfulness
You might just as well be blind.
It always seems to be so hard to give.

Honesty is such a lonely word.
Everyone is so untrue.
Honesty is hardly ever heard.
And mostly what I need from you.

I can always find someone
to say they sympathize.
If I wear my heart out on my sleeve.
But I don't want some pretty face
to tell me pretty lies.
All I want is someone to believe. "

> He totally hit the nail on the head with those lyrics.. and they really make you think. Honesty is such a hard quality to find these days. It's rare to actually find a person that is willing to be completely honest and has nothing to hide. Think about it, people lie all the time. It's become a casual thing... part of every day life for some people. Heck, some people even make it their lifestyle. Lets just call this type of lieing: Type A. This isn't true for everyone, but typically if you ask a female how much she weighs she'll either lie about it or shrug off the question. Or think about school, there's always that someone that doesn't do their homework, yet when the teacher asks why they failed to complete the assignment, they decide to fabricate this elaborate excuse as to why they didn't do it. Would it be so bad to just tell the truth? "Mr. Teacher I didn't do my homework because I honestly just didn't have time and I was really tired. Could I possibly hand it in tomorrow? And if not I'm ready to accept the consequences for my actions." Is that really so hard? OR "How much do I weigh? I weigh 115 pounds.. I weigh 130 pounds.. I weigh 267.576 pounds..." It's not difficult. Who cares? Why lie? I just don't really see the point of all the lieing. Maybe its because people have no trust in each other? Want to hide who their true identity? Are ashamed?

The casual almost insignificant lies don't bother me so much, but some people even lie about the important things. I'll call this one Type B: The type I'm referring to are the people that lie to their "best friends," to their families, and to their boyfriends. They lie straight to the faces of the people they say they "care about," when in the reality, the truth would save everyone a lot of pain. What really aggravates me though is that these incessant liars get away with it! They get away with it ALL THE TIME! Maybe they feel like it's okay to perpetually lie to people, but it's not. It is not okay to feign innocence in an attempt to deny your actions. It is not okay to deny talking about your so-called "friend" to the the very person your friend has emotional ties to... especially when confronted directly about it. It is not okay to lie about your relationships with other people, whether that relationship be friendship or something more. It is not okay to betray the very people you say you "love" and then act surprised when they get upset. But above all it is NOT OKAY to play with people's emotions. They are NOT toys. They are real people who can feel happiness and pain just like you do, and hurt just the same, if not worse. Trifling with their emotions is selfish, hurtful, heartless, and WRONG! Painstakingly and resolutely WRONG. By decieving all the time you lose the trust of the people you lie to, and their trust disintegrates like dust in the wind. Being continually untruthful alienates everyone around you and in the end you weave this thick tangled web of lies that will eventually consume and devour you whole.

There is also another type of lieing. This is Type C. This is a more subtle type and I'm sorry to say that although I am not guilty of the ones stated above, I am guily of this one (partially anyway). This type of lieing is more like lieing by omission. You hide how you feel about someone by simply not saying it. Most of the time I'm straightfoward with how I feel about people, especially the people I care about, and that at the moment is still true. However, I'm guilty of hiding my feelings about the people I DON'T care about. With this issue lately, I feel as if I've been hiding behind a mask of silence. Sure I haven't been as smiley and nicey-nice lately, but I haven't actually come out and said it either. It all just seems so fake, and I hate that feeling. To put on this care-free facade on the exterior and feel utterly disgusted on the inside. The reason why I said I'm "partially" guilty is because this subtle type of lieing (which is more with body language than verbally lieing) that I'm afflicted with is a result of an aquaintance with a "Type B" individual. And although I personally want to tell this Type B Liar that they can go to hell, I can't get over the fact that I actually have a conscience. Being too harsh can potentially hurt someone, and although I truly detest this individual, I find myself having enough concern for them as a human being to not want to hurt them. Figure that out... its a bit mind-boggling.

So in conclusion with this blog entry... Billy Joel is a genius and he definitely had it right with those lyrics. Honesty is rare... and admitting to dishonestly is ever rarer. Interesting how one song and the ideas of one person can inspire some creativity of your own, huh?

What happens when I'm bored in english (besides random sketches):

Have you ever walked down the halls if a school and noticed all the different groups of people? They are all seperate, different cliques, yet many of the members tend to dress alike, talk alike... even think alike. We form these cliques in order to feel accepted, develop good friendships, and to make a human connection. I don't think cliques are necessarily bad, yet in high school is seems to be taken a bit too far. Cliques can reject other individuals or even threaten them, groups fight with other groups (sometimes like a full out war), and what is it all for?

As you walk through the high school corridors in the morning they are practically buzzing with chatter. Everyone is so absorbed in their lives, their friends, and their own little worlds. Girls gossip about what others are wearing, evaluating and criticizing. They make fun of others for being different while they are indeed subjecting themselves to the ridiculous conformity of society. While they condescendingly condemn individuality, they lose sight of it on a personal level. Not all cliques (or groups of friends) are like this. Some are solid support systems that get along with mostly everyone, but the ones that aren't this way are the irritating ones.

High schools, or the students in them, have created their own isolated and somewhat naiive world. People complain about how they and their best friend are in their latest spat that ends a day later, or how their sixth period teacher is a total jerk (while some people in the world have to live a lifetime under the rule of a dictator, not having the option of getting an education by spending 42 minutes with an adult they mildly dislike). What really gets me is how people complain about their problems on a constant basis to others, as if its a competition of "who has it worse." I don't mean the typical venting we do naturally to clear our heads, I mean the over-the-top whining. When talking to these people, even if you try to contribute a littel to the conversation or change the subject, they turn the entire conversation around once again to one thing: themselves. Sometimes it's like, "okay look, I understand you have your problems, but the world DOES NOT revolve around you. move on"

I find it amazing how people use their issues as a way to get attention. Honestly, do people really need that kind of attention? I know people who will show blatant disregard to others just so they can focus on themselves and flaunt their problems. Its so selfish. Don't they understand that some people have it SO much worse than they do? That they are trying to get attention while people suffer from depression every day, people die in war, children are starving in third world countries, and innocent people die because of the greed and lust for power of others?

Another thing I don't quite understand are the people that have to be right ALL THE TIME, disregarding how evidently wrong they may be. These people argue just for the sake of argument, yet they never hear the opposing views. They don't even blink an eye or dream of considering that the opposition could maybe, just maybe, be making a relevant point. They see the situation with two sides: right and wrong.. and they of course are always right. They are close-minded and therefore ignorant. I don't have a problem with argumentative people, hell, I can be one myself, but I can at least admit it when I'm wrong and acknowledge both sides of an argument. It drives me crazy when these stubborn and nearsighted people go on their monologues, droning on and on, trying to force their opinions down your throat.. and its even worse when they wrong! What is the point? Why must they feel as if its absolutely necessary to prove themselves correct constantly? Are they really that insecure?

In a way I'm growing more and more tired of high school. Well maybe not high school itself, but most definitely it's games and rules. Sure there are things I'll miss; like certain teachers, sports, and seeing friends on a daily basis, but I wont miss getting up at 6 in the morning for class, pushing through people to get to my locker, vindictive hall monitors (won't mention any names =P), or the catty cliques that exist. I want something better, I want the freedom of going to school for something I actually want, not just what is required, and I'm tired of all the foolish games in between. WHen you graduate from high school you move on to college; but when you graduate from college you move on to life. I'm hoping this is just a prequel to something better.

"If ignorance is bliss, then why aren't more people happy?"

"Love": a universal emotion, yet percieved in so many different ways

Good morning.. well technically its almost noon, however I just woke up, so therefore in my mind it's "morning." This is our last day of vacation and it's sad to think that it's almost over. I hope to get out and do something today. Gene might be coming over later and I haven't seen him in awhile so that should be nice. On another note, although I like this break we're having, I really want track to start again. I'm starting feel lazy and lethargic and I need to be active. Sitting around with nothing to do doesn't exactly cut it for me. Oh well, I'm glad I'm at least avoiding the latest Sorrentino essay, for now anyway. Later on I'll have to write it but I think I have a topic idea. Something about how although the media can be partially blamed for the corruption of values and morals in the youth of our nation, the people who are primarily at fault are the parents. Things have changed significantly in our day and age since twenty years ago. People are so busy and overwhelmed with their jobs, paying the bills, and running around, that they sit their kids in front of the television and neglect to teach them the proper values. Kids are forced to obtain their standard systems through the TV, magazines, and some of the music they listen to (like the trashy drug/crime-influenced rap garbage that is somehow widely popular these days -- though I can't contemplate why). So you see, athough the media is at fault in a way, the main cause of the distortion of the youth of the nation is simply this: bad parenting. I'll end up writing about all that later =P.

On a different note: When I woke up before and was brushing my teeth I thought about a conversation I'd had with my parents about..3 days ago. (And I have no idea why I think about things when I'm brushing my teeth, your guess is as good as mine ^_^). I had come downstairs and my parents had started to watch a movie in the living room, so I settled down on the couch and started to watch with them. The movie was called "Pretty in Pink" (yes I know, not my usual movie genre) and it was made in the 80's <3 with stars like Molly Ringwald and Jon Cryer. I don't know if you've ever seen it but if you haven't I'll give you a quick run through: The story takes place in a town with one high school, yet there are 2 parts of the town; the rich-snobby side and the .. not so rich and kind of "trashy" side of town. A guy from the rich side meets a girl from the "other side" of the tracks and they realize that they really like eachother, yet in the hierarchy of their high school this is socially unacceptable. So I guess this is sort of like an 80's era Romeo and Juliet deal, minus all the violence and add some big hair and bright clothing =D. Well anyway, after their first date (and an intesne kiss =P ) the guy brings the girl home and she goes inside and gleefully sits on the sofa where her father is waiting. Since her mother had left them, her father had taken on the responsibility of talking to her about "relationship things." During the course of their talk he asks her "So, do you love this guy?" Smiling and giddy, she replies "Yeah Dad, I think I do." The scene ends shortly after that and she goes to bed.

So there I am sitting there on the couch with my parents, looking incredulously at the screen and let out a quiet "You've got to be kidding me." My dad looks over inquiringly and asks what I mean. And I say, "She loves him? After one date... she's head over heels? I don't buy it." And he asks me "What, you don't think you can be in love with someone after one date?" When I shake my head he asks why. And I told him no because that was the first time they had even gone out, and although they are attracted to eachother, I don't think its love, it could be lust. I also explained how I believe love grows over time and you can't truly love someone unless you get to know them, and accpet them for who they are, not what you think they are. Then he told me how he disagrees. How he thinks love happens in an instant, like being hit by a lightning bolt, and how you can just know after the first kiss. (yeah weird topic to talk about with daddy-dearest right?) And then my parents started talking about how they knew after their first date.. which was cute, I'll admit that.

Back to brushing my teeth this morning: I was thinking about all that and wondering, if love can be described and percieved in so many different ways, then what really is love? Although I accept that it means something different for everyone, I have my own views on it. I think of it this way: Love is like a seed. However not the seed of a plant, but a seed of warmth and happiness that gets planted in your heart, whether you realize it at first or not. This seed grows and flourishes with time, yet unlike a plant, this is something that never dies. As it grows love warms you; body, heart, mind, and soul. I have heard love described as a fire inside of you, and although blazing fires of passion come and go, the warmth always remains with you, never fading, never dieing, and always there within your heart.

I feel like the phrase "I love you" is so over-used, especially in high school. No.. correction: I think it is used too casually. I don't have a problem with it being used, on the contrary I think it's good thing, but I think you should only say it if you really mean it. I just think people get confused as to when and why you use it.. or even what it truly means. See, when you love someone, you don't love them because they are just "so perfect." You love them because you realize they are imperfect; they have faults just like you, they are human, and they can relate to you. You come to accept these imperfections and even fall in love with them, for you see, they are what make the person unique, one of a kind. You take the good in hand with the bad and you see them for who they are, not who you want them to be. We all have our own imperfections, but without them we wouldn't be our true selves, and without seeing and accepting people for who they really are, how can you ever love?

I need to do this more often...

Hi again. Okay so I officially need to write here more often, I mean, If I'm going to have this blog I might as well be committed to it. Just a warning, this is going to be hard though, between this, school, life, and a separate journal.The last time I wrote here, it was December, and so many things have changed since then. Most of those things for the better. It's amazing how many things can happen in a month or two months time. I can look back at my first posts here and say "wow, look how things turned out" and how certain feelings.. evolved, I suppose. I can't really give an adequate update of my life since then, things have been so busy. *sigh* the busy life of a junior. Winter track is over and spring track starts on the third. We've had this entire week off for February break which has been nice and relaxing, with the exception of today, which involved doing massive ammounts of homework. There are so many thing I'd like to write about here yet I won't bombard you with it all in one entry.. I'm going to try and space it out for you over the span of a few entries. I have a few aspirations for this blog. 1) I'm going to choose a meaningful topic in each entry and reflect on it. 2) I'm going to put a quote in each entry. 3) I'm really going to try and write here at least once a week.

So as I start off this entry I'm sitting in my room with some music playing in the background and my cat Maggie sleeping in my lap. I've been in a contemplative mood for a few hours now and there is so much going through my mind. I guess I'll just pick one topic right now.. and thats topic is... *drumroll*

College:
The other day when my family and I were out to lunch my Dad mentioned college visits and asked where I'd like to visit. Baffled and litte caught off-guard I wasn't really sure. To tell you the truth, I didnt have an answer. My most common overused phrase on this topic is "I don't know." I've looked at a few colleges, but when it comes to the reality of it all, I've barely scraped the surface. I'm not really sure about any of this yet, I mean sure, of course I want to go, but there are just SO MANY colleges. Where do I even begin to look? My father's answer to that question is *bum bum bumm*: locally. Sure thats all fine and dandy, but the truth is.. I dont want to go locally, and I would quite honestly rather go to a college in guam than go to suffolk. I'm almost certain that I want to go away to college, even though a certain parental figure might not be so fond of that idea. I'll keep an open mind and look at all my options, but this isn't about him, or anyone else for that matter; this is about me and my future. Going away to college isnt an experience that I want to miss out on, and in a way I want to get off the island, see other places. All of it is so much to think about and its just around the corner, coming fast. Before we know it we're going to be taking AP tests, finals, and regents. Then comes the summer filled with college visits.. and we all know how summer flies by way too fast as it is. It's difficult when you know you have to sit down and pick your future, decide on a college, and choose (or at least get an idea of) what you're going to do with the rest of your life. I guess this is an insight to whats going on inside the head of your typical high school junior (or senior even). But I just want to make the decisions that are best for me. I want to ammount to something. I want to be able to wake up in the morning ten years from now knowing that I have a career I love, something that I've worked for, and something that gives me a purpose. I want to be able to live a life I enjoy, and have a job that makes me feel meaningful and happy to get up everyday. Its a bit frightening to think that the choices we make now can affect us years from now. I guess I just want to make the right choices, do the right thing, and not make a mistake. I want to choose a college I love, enjoy the time given to me; the time thats supposed to be one of the best in your life.

Quote of the day:
"I see myself as a huge fiery comet, a shooting star. Everyone stops, points up and gasps "Oh look at that!" Then — whoosh, and I'm gone... and they'll never see anything like it ever again... and they won't be able to forget me — ever." -Jim Morrison

Starting Anew

Well hi there.. again. I have finally found some time to write on here, and for once I won't be sounding so gloomy. If you haven't been understanding my last few entries.. it'd probably be best to just disregard those and start here. As of lately I've made a decision: and that decision is to start over, to forget about all the things that have been bugging me in the past, and to move on. I realized that in the situation I was in, there was no way I could win, and that in the end, it wasn't at all worth it.

So yeah, this week has been fantastic and hopefully things will just get better and better. I had an especially great day yesterday. Even though there wasn't that much excitement I still feel really good about it. I woke up nice and early after having a good nights rest and made myself breakfast. There was no track, and later on I went to play hockey. We lost unfortunately but it's not the end of the world. I was just so glad to see some old friends that I don't get to see too often. And one in particular made me smile a lot.. and maybe even think in a different way.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and I'm beyond excited. No drama, just staying home and some of my mom's side of the family is coming over. We'll do the usual; talk, eat, get pleasantly loud, play cards, and eat some more. And did I mention the food is incredible? We do the whole Italian seafood thing, and the food is so so good. Yes I know, I get excited about food, but what can I say.. I like to eat lol. And then before we know it Christmas morning will arrive and I'll get to spend time with my family and everyone will open gifts. Such a nice time of the year =D

>Wishing you all a happy holiday! [and hoping for a freak blizzard so we'll have snow!] <3 Jess

Confused....

What happens when you want something so much, and care about someone, and the only way you can clear your conscience is by telling an inevitable and terrible truth that could hurt someone? There is no guarantee that you can get what you want or that things will turn out alright, but anything would be better than the situation now. And what are you supposed to do when you want to tell them the truth and how things really are and you just can't bring yourself to do it? When you try and the words don't come out right- or at all for that matter. I want to tell, I really do. I think part of me even needs to say it. But then there's another side of me that that just can't stand to hurt people, especially when the cause of the hurt isn't my fault. Why should I have to be the one to say it? Maybe because nobody else has the nerve to.. even the people who should be devoted friends?Actually, why did this have to happen at all? And what would happen if I did say it? Would everything backfire and blow up in my face, hurting other people as well as myself? And I just keep asking myself, who is the person that is in the clear? The person who can't get hurt and has nothing to lose? It's the person who started all this, and I can't see how she can keep it going like this when everything is bound to get worse. How do you fix something like that? And the worst part is there's really nothing I can do but leave the entire situation in the hand of someone I can never trust.

First Entry

>Hi there! Well this is my first entry on blog spot. I figured a change was in order since I barely go on xanga anymore and blogspot is pretty cool. My old site is www.xanga.com/jadam3838 .. if your interested in around 3 years of entries lol. oh well. It feels good to be writing again and hopefully I keep up with this. I will try.
> I had the greatest day today, hanging out with three of my awesome friends and having tons of fun. We went iceskating. My ankles are kind of sore but it's worth it. I can't believe school is tomorrow, which really sucks. I have hw to do that I haven't even started yet and its almost 10 o'clock. Like the compare/contrast essay for Sorrentino's class that I have no idea what to write about for. The class is incredibly boring and if you ask anyone in it, its hard not to fall asleep.
>Something has been bothering me lately, and what better way to get it out of my system then by writing about it. Although I don't think this will be out of my system for awhile. Never hurts to try though I suppose. This is what's been bothering me;
*Jealousy. With a big star next to it. Yes, jealousy, I am familiar with the term, but the feeling is soo much worse. Anyone who has experienced it knows that. Jealousy is one of the most irrational, uncontrollable, and sickening emotions a person can feel. For reason's unknown to us we can feel envy for even people we strongly dislike and would never want to idolize. This emotion is one that takes you over, possessing your mind so that you constantly think about it. It feels as if a scaly green monster has inhabited your body and it slithering beneath your skin, hissing quietly and poisoning your perception. When you see them with someone you care about your heart just sinks. No, Correction: Your heart takes a plummeting dive in your chest. You feel sick, nauseated; like you just swallowed a brick and it's sitting there in a lump at the bottom of your stomach; weighing you down and making you want to throw up. At the same time the scaly green quasi-reptilian monster slithers venomously beneath the surface of your skin (figuratively of course). That's my view on jealousy, and it really has been affecting me a lot lately; I've never felt this so much until now. In fact, I've never been jealous in this way before. Maybe I feel this way because of the insincerity of everything and how I know it's all fake. I hate it and it makes me sick. Or maybe its because of the actions of certain people that makes me disgusted. Normally, I don't feel things like this. Normally, I don't get jealous or feel this irrational. I'm actually pretty logical most of the time. There are a lot of reasons why I feel like this. I can't stand it when people try to hurt the ones I care about.I just want this disater to end and for things to be right again.
>Okay well that was deeper than i wanted to go on my first entry but oh well. Until next time...