Surprises

Well it has been over a month since my last entry. I really haven't been able to find much time to write. Life does that to us I guess, makes us all busy and wrapped up in things to do. When I reread my last entry I realized how much things have changed since then... and also how depressing that entry was. Looking back I see how foolish feeling that way was. Time seems to do that: it makes the past clearer, like looking at all fine the details under a microscope, and you can see the things that you hadn't been able to see in the moment itself. Sometimes you are even enlightened enough to see people the way they really are... instead of the picture you painted of them in your mind.

So many things have happened within the last month. Winter Track started up and I'm now a captain =]. Also Thanksgiving was nice... along with the annual day-after-thanksgiving bronx zoo trip. I have been going out with friends and having a great time. I can honestly say that I am genuinely happy.

It's amazing how situations can change in the blink of an eye. How things can look up for you when you feel somewhat lost and unsure. Sometimes life has you wrapped around it's finger and in the midst of all the routines and busy-ness you can find something great. It always seems that when you are least expecting to find happiness, when you get absorbed in work, it seems to just find you instead. The right people seem to find you... and maybe that is how it should be. It's like getting poked by the needle in the haystack that you were trying to find for months. Well, that was a terrible analogy... but it's an unexpected surprise. And lately I have been very pleasantly surprised =]

Here it goes...

Here I am. Another day... staring at another blank page on the computer screen. It's been a while since my last post and a lot of things have happened since then. It's November now and the time for applying to colleges has finally arrived and my last cross country season finally ended. But I don't want to talk about that in this post. I've noticed that I talk about a lot of things here. I talk about different concepts and events... but I rarely talk about me, who I really am, and what is truly bothering me. So here it goes. I guess you're finally getting a glimpse inside.

I just watched the movie "27 Dresses," which is yet another sappy romantic comedy. Ever since August this genre has made me feel either annoyed or a bit sad... but i can't really stop myself from watching them. I guess it's part of that whole ideal relationship that you wish you could have, where everything has it's happy ending and works out for the main character. What every girl wants, right? It's amazing how a movie or a song can make you feel that way.

People, generally speaking, are overcome with feelings. Feelings for everything we do in life; whether it is being worried about a test, happy for your two best friends getting together, ecstatic about becoming an aunt, or annoyed about how certain people act. Lately I've just had so much on my mind that I don't even know what to think anymore. I'm fed up with the whole college preparation crap. I'm tired of dealing with people in high school. I'm still in love with someone who is over a hundred miles away... and I miss him, but there's nothing I can do about it. And every time I feel this way I mentally chastise myself for it because I shouldn't be feeling that way. Part of me wants to move on and part of me wants something irrational. I have this little voice in the back of my head telling me to get over it already. I go out and have a good time with my friends. I'm starting to feel new things for certain people and I don't know how to act. I try not to be negative, but starting over is hard... especially when you're second guessing yourself and hoping that you won't be disappointed. I wish I was more tolerant with people and had more patience but I'm not and I don't. I feel like everytime something changes in my life or if I start enjoying myself I eventually get pulled right back into the same routine and the same mindset. I'm torn... but I am mending.

Take Me or Leave Me

I think a big part of senior year is just being yourself... regardless of how other people act and what they think. To be yourself, with all your charms and quirks and not give a damn what other people say. I'm a little ticked off right now so I'm just going to vent for awhile.

I'm generally a happy person. I like to smile and make other people smile.
I'm an animal person. I want to be a vet. I talk to my pets as if they are human. They have feelings too after all.
I can be very patient with people, but I have a very low tolerance for extreme stupidity or obnoxiousness.
I also can't stand people giving me an attitude. If you give me an attitude I will call you out on it... or just leave.
I chew my ice after I finish my drink. And I like it that way.
I drink abnormal amounts of orange juice, but I don't get sick often.
Bad food is almost unbearable and makes me feel emotionally cold.
I talk with my hands... my brain can't function without it.
Usually I tell the truth, but I can tell if you're lying to me.
I absolutely HATE it when people touch my face... whether it's a playful poke, or an eyelash fell out. Just tell me and I'll fix it... beware of getting your hand smacked away.
I'm independent. I don't need constant companionship... in fact that bothers me, a lot... neediness that is.
I can walk to class by myself. I can go to the bathroom alone. Sometimes being alone is peaceful.
The first thing I notice about people is their eyes.
I dislike being late. And I doubly dislike when people show up late for plans with me.
I value sleep over homework. I sleep first and then wake up at 4 in the morning to do hw.
I love to run. I run all year. I intend to continue with the process.
I don't like to be rushed. If you rush me I will go slower than I already am.
I can sing, and will sing at the appropriate times. I don't like it when people boast.
I'm not really into partying and I'm not a loud person. I can be loud... but most of the time I'm not.
I hate having petty arguments. I think they're exhausting and pointless.
I like to look nice... but if it's not comfortable I won't wear it.
If I'm really quiet I'm either tired, thinking of something, or annoyed.
If I'm mad at you I won't blow up in your face... I'll probably just ignore the fact that you exist.
Family is very high on my list of priorities.
I admire people who show effort and take their work in stride without complaint.
Breakfast food for dinner is amazing. Breakfast food for breakfast is nauseating.
I'm very calm and mostly relaxed. I do have a temper ... though it rarely surfaces.
I sketch in class. My sketches are detailed and I always save them at the end of the year.
I follow personality astrology and try to relate it to the people I know as frequently as possible.
I don't like to play games as far as my social life is concerned.
If you need something, ask. If you like me, then say so. If you want to talk, call me.
I will not chase after you, but I am here if you need me.

"Take me for what I am
Who I was meant to be
And if you give a damn
Take me baby
Or leave me..."

Reincarnation

Well I'm supposed to be cleaning my bathroom right now but I just remembered that I forgot to write about something that happened yesterday. I'll get to that soon... but first I'm going to start with the titled of this blog.

Reincarnation: Reincarnation is the belief that when one dies, one's body decomposes, but something of oneself is reborn in another body. It is the belief that one has lived before and will live again in another body after death. As a Catholic I'm really not supposed to believe in reincarnation. I'm supposed to believe that our souls go to heaven or hell.. and so on. But just because I'm born into catholicism doesn't mean I have to be ignorant. Anything is possible and no one really knows what is true and what isn't. Our souls could go to heaven. Our souls could go to hell. Our souls could be reborn in a form of another being. We could just die and our souls could die with our bodies and that could be the end of it. Every once in a while I think about the death concept and wonder when we die... if everything just ends. I wonder if there really is an afterlife or if our time existing just simply ceases. That thought really bothers me. I mean, I know everyone is going to die someday... it's just the way things work... but thinking about it disturbs me. It's hard to think that after 80 or so years it's just over. I wonder what goes through the minds of those who are about to pass away and if they are scared or not. And THAT my friends is why it isn't good for Jess to get incredibly bored. But then there is the thought of reincarnation and if it's possible. That our souls cannot be destroyed and that they live in another being once our bodies are gone. And I wonder whether we'd be able to remember a past life or not... but I doubt that it's possible. I have to admit that I wish reincarnation is valid though... and that brings to to the whole event that made me start writing this blog.

Last night after we went out to dinner I remembered that I had to buy some bird seed for the parakeet. My family and I stopped in Petco to get some and while my mom headed toward the bird supplies, I went to see the cats that they had up for adoption. What I saw there was disturbing... in a sentimental way. There were four cages there and the first one I saw was the one on top where a little black and white kitten that looked like Maggie was playing. Then I happened to glance at one of the bottom cages and saw this big orange and white cat that looked almost identical to Cosmo. For those of you who dont know this, Cosmo was my cat who died this past summer from a pitbull attack. This cat looked just like him... from markings, to the eyes, to the big bushy tail. The only difference was that this cat was a bit bigger. Seeing that was weird for me and I really thought my dad was going to end up taking him home. But thats not all! In the cage next to that one there was a half-Russian Blue cat with green eyes who looked just like our other deceased cat, Huey. And... in the fourth cage there was a girl calica that looked just like another deceased cat named Dee. Needless to say I was a little freaked out and thought I was starting to hallucinate a bit. We left the store in disbelief and then we see a Brittany Spaniel puppy that looked just like our old dog Sherlock... It must sound like I'm making this up but I'm really not.

So I don't know why or how that whole experience happened. Maybe it was just "see-your-pets-reincarnated" night at Petco. But it was really weird and I'm still a little puzzled. Was that a sign for something? Is some mystical force trying to tell my family and I something? I guess I'll never know...

Another Day

Hello there! I felt like writing a short little blog today about what's been going on lately. As usual life has been pretty busy here. Yesterday and today have been exceptionally busy. Yesterday we had our useless Friday at school (because we had Thursday off) where we didn't do much... except for me most likely failing a Calc test. Oh well. Then I went to the West Hampton Invitational for XC and got my third T-shirt from there. Getting lots of tshirts makes me happy =]. I actually felt pretty good during the race and during the middle of it for about 5 minutes or so I just completely zoned out thinking about other things and ran really fast while doing it. I wish I could do that ALL the time. After the race we all rushed back to the school for the football game against West Hampton. I multi-tasked with eating and changing into my marching band uniform for my first ever field show. The field show went better than I thought it would, although I can't really say that much for the outcome of the game itself. I ended up having a good time though and a lot of last years alumni showed up to the game. It was nice to see everyone... I really missed them.

Then this morning I got up early for our joint boy-girl practice with the guys coach. It wasn't so bad and afterwards I went to Good Shepherd for a while to watch a few hockey games. It was weird to be sitting there on the sidelines and not playing. I guess after ten years you get into a routine. I'm glad that I can still be involved with reffing there though and it was nice to see all the familiar faces. It's amazing how many people have been affiliated with the league. Whenever we're in Holbrook we see someone we know through hockey. It's great to know how many lives the league has touched.

After the games ended we went out to dinner with Mike and Zarra... yay seafood! Then we went to a few stores and came home to be greeted by Marius and Marcus at our front door. (Those are the two black cats that have adopted us). They're really sweet and I now refer to them as my "M&M's." ... Well I'm done writing for now.. until next time =]

College is...

It seems like all my fellow seniors, including myself, are getting more and more worried about college. Everything is getting so hectic with our ongoing college searches, senior conferences, applications, and due dates. I keep hearing everyone asking everyone else which colleges they are applying to. Some people are applying to Ivy League's, others are applying to SUNY's, and I find myself looking at the types of schools in between the two. Even thinking about the whole before-college process gets me stressed out. Waiting for SAT/ACT scores and planning out the rest of my life.I think that a lot of the other seniors feel this way so this next part of my blog will hopefully make you guys smile and remind you of what's really important... the experience we are waiting for:

WHAT IS COLLEGE?

-College is about learning. It's not as simple as learning whatever it is that's being taught in your required classes though.
-It's about learning how to listen, how to speak, how to think... Learning who you are, who your friends are, and the type of people you want as friends. ... Learning how to trust your innermost feelings and how to find those feelings in the first place.
-It's about learning what's really important to you, and learning what you really don't give a damn about. College is about learning how to tolerate, how to accept, how to like, and most importantly; how to love...
-Learning how to give as well as recieve and how to trust that everything will even itself out on its own (you buy a pizza one night and your roomate will the next night)
-It's about learning that your mom and dad actually do have the right answers sometimes, and that your kid brother isn't such a dumb little kid anymore
-College is about learning how to treat people as people, not as stereotypes... Learning that sometimes a kiss isn't just a kiss, and that sometimes it means more, sometimes it means less...
-Learning how to achieve, how to succeed, how to accomplish. It's about how not to come in first place and still be proud, and about coming in last place and learning to admit that you could've done better.
-College is learning that loud parties don't necessarily mean a good time and that loneliness doesn't go away in a crowd, and that sometimes it's okay to be by yourself on a Friday or Saturday nnight.
-It's about learning that your lunchtime crowd does not constitute your popularity, and that popularity is all a matter of perspective.
-It's about learning that boredom is simply laziness of the mind, and that watching 3 hours of of Thursday Night NBC is not quality relaxation time.
-College is about learning how to pack a car, pack a bag, and how to pack a room full of way too much stuff...
-Learning that people probably like you a whole lot more than they'll ever tell you, and that it's your responsibility to make sure your friends know how much you appreciate them.
-It's about learning that simply doing what you're supposed to do isn't enough... you need to put forth twice that much in order to fully grasp whatever it is that's sitting in front of you.
-It's about learning how to make people smile.
-College is about learning how to miss people enough not to stick them in the past, and how not to miss them so much that it keeps you from moving into the future. It's about realizing that your best friends will be the people you share your room with... the people you cry with, get the flu with, and eat with.
-It's about learning to motivate yourself and motivating others. It's about learning what the phrase "make do" means, and how to make $5.00 last a week... and saving every quarter for the washing machines and dryers.
-It's realizing that every other freshman in your dorm or on your floor is scared their first night in school... it's about looking forward to a brown box with cookies and toothpaste... It's about learning the value of a constant supply of toilet paper... It's about learning to hear in all the different languages of your floor/dorm/roomates...
-College is about learning that as you find out more, there is less that you really know... It's about not being afraid to cry in front of your firends, and that everyone has the same bad habits that you do... It's about learning that you have four more years before you hit the real world...
-College is also about learning that your mom isn't such a bad cook after all... and that you can do a million things with macaroni and cheese... It's also learning that you can get more out of a person by caring for them and being honest with them...
*COLLEGE IS ABOUT LEARNING...
... LEARNING HOW TO LIVE...

[props to Mr. Bolen for that ^]

Thank Goodness for Weekends

One word to describe my life lately is "busy." I always feel like writing on here but I can never find the time and I can't even describe in words how relieved I am that the weekend is finally here. I wish it would last longer *sighs.* This week has been overwhelming between the normal going to school, test every day, trying to get hw done, lack of sleep, getting sick, cross country, and the newly introduced college application process. I had my senior conference this year where I got my transcript, class rank, and then was told how important it is to start picking the colleges I want to apply to, fill out some applications, write my college essay, make an activities resume, and get teacher recommendation letters. It's like everything was going fine and was manageable.. and then BAM, I find myself completely overwhelmed by everything.

Needless to say, this weekend is a nice treat and I got to go out with my extended family for my cousin's birthday last night. Mouthwatering prime rib, familiar faces, and great conversation... what more could you want? It was nice to just sit back and relax, talking to me cousins and joking around with my brothers.

A few weeks ago I sat down in front of the computer and watched the entire Jekyll & Hyde broadway musical on youtube. As funny as it sounds, David Hasselhoff (yes, baywatch =P) was playing Jekyll/Hyde, but the show was fantastic and I've been listening to the soundtrack ever since. One song in particular has really touched me. It's called "In his eyes" and it's sang by two women who are in love with Jekyll/Hyde ... but the lyrics are so relatable. Normally I don't spill my heart out on here... {I had to stop this blog and never finished and now i lost my train of thought}

How Everything Happens

What I'm Looking For

Has anybody ever told you "Don't worry, you'll find what you're looking for. It will happen when you least expect it to" ? I know I've been told that. Hell, I've even given that as advice to other people and tried to cheer them up. For the most part I've believed that statement to be true because some of my best experiences have happened in unexpected places, during unexpected times. Like meeting a future boyfriend during a trip to Toronto, or wondering what on earth a "Tahoe" looked like at homecoming with the girl who would eventually become my best-friend.

When I told a friend the other day that she would find what she was looking for and that for all she knew it could be right about the corner... I started to wonder. If something is "meant to be" will it really happen on its own? And then I started to wonder if maybe I should take my own advice.

But here's the thing... what if you don't know what you want? How can you find something if you don't know what to look for? It's strange... I see people everyday talking with each other; laughing, fighting, flirting. But I almost feel like I'm distant from it... like I'm separated in a way. It's not that I'm unhappy, because on the grand scale of things I feel pretty happy... it's just that I don't really know my place in all of this. "And I still haven't found what I'm looking for..."

The "N" Word

Today I've finally found the time to sit down and write here. I've been meaning to write about so many things, which I will catch up on eventually, but I really wanted to write about this topic in this entry. I've had the entire afternoon off from xc so I decided to spend it relaxing from a long day. Having the whole house to myself... I changed out of my skirt, put on a pair of sweats and a t-shirt, flopped onto the couch in the living room, and clicked on the TV.

Dr. Phil happened to be just starting and I decided to watch for a bit to see what the episode was about. Which brings me to the topic of today's blog: The "N" Word. The visiting guests for this debate were Al Sharpton (through a satellite), the comedian Sheryl Underwood, Hill Harper from CSI New York, and Paul Mooney (who I think is a writer for the music industry). Anyway, the discussion started off pretty calmly and civilized while the guests spoke about how the "N" word is such an emotionally charged word and has so much pain behind it. Al Sharpton (who I gave the finger repeatedly to from in front of my big screen TV... because I can't stand his ignorance) spoke about how the word has brought so much pain on African Americans and is a poisonous word with a tragic history. In this respect I agree, because I do not use the "N" word and I think it is derogatory in all senses. Al Sharpton stood for banning the word completely and the famous guests agreed.

The opposition to this point was showed by some normal American citizens in the audience as well as two of the guests. Although they agreed that the N-word is derogatory in some cases to use, they defended the standpoint that it's okay to use it in intimate conversation and in slang. They also believed that it should be used in music by rappers and such and that a "positive" spin could be placed on the word. HOWEVER [here's the kicker] only black people are allowed to use the word. Ever notice that whenever a black person goes over and greets his friends and says "hey my N's!" there's no problem ... but the second a white person utters the word all hell breaks lose? Not that I think anyone should use it, but if one group of people can be able to say it without being threatened by hostility.. shouldn't everybody else?

What I found intriguing, yet also outraging, was the behavior of Paul Mooney on the show. One white woman stood up and said that she uses the N-word in a non-derogatory manner and that she is married to a black man. Her argument was that if we can say the word freely without any racist or malicious intent, then our society has come a long way. Another woman who was African American said that it's okay to use the word as long as long at it isn't said in a derogatory tone. She argued that the word was a synonym for "buddy" or "pal." In response to these two women, Paul Mooney went on a rampaging rant about how no one knows what it's like to be an African American male.. how HE was brought over as a slave... how being called the N-word is only meant for his fellow black men. He was very hostile and when one of the woman in the audience, a Mexican-American, told him to let it go he screamed at her to go back to Mexico. She replied that she was born her but that her blood is Mexican and that she loves being an American and everyone deserves the same quality of life in this beautiful country. Then he further showed how obnoxious, narrow-minded, ignorant, and ultimately racist is. He was the most racist person in that room.

So here's my opinion: I do not approve of the N-word. I think it is disrespectful and derogatory in any sense AND I don't think it should be used by ANYBODY. It is extremely hypocritical to condescend other groups of people for using the word when African- Americans use it themselves and call themselves it. I also do not believe you should "ban" the word because it goes against the constitution of our government: free speech. Al Sharpton was lecturing about how if homosexuals and other groups can ban derogatory words that everyone should have that right. Sorry Reverend Sharpton, but there is no written law saying you can't use the words "fag" or "dyke," although I don't agree with the use of those either. Al Sharpton has done a great deal of good for African Americans, however that is the only group he stands up for and in any case, no matter what the situation, he takes the same side. It doesn't matter to him whether it is wrong or right and to people like him it's an "us against them" situation. In that sense he is racist and so is Paul Mooney.

But you know what? Racism is a two way street... it goes both ways and it is hypocritical to think otherwise. These people want to get rid of the N-word in order to abolish racism forever... but in reality it is because of people like them that we have racism! And although racism has gotten better throughout the years I don't think it's possible to completely abolish it. There will always be someone who is racist.. and lets face it; EVERYONE is the slightest tiniest bit racist, even if it's not in a malicious way. It's part of human nature to feel that way until you know someone and gain their trust, even within the same ethnic groups. I'm just so tired and irritated with hearing the one-sided racism lectures when it is so blatantly false. We are all PEOPLE dammit! Learn to live with each other and cut the BS pleeeassse.

Like A Rainbow in the Dark

It's amazing how someone can cheer you up just by having a conversation with you. When I got home from riding around in the car with the family before, I started thinking about the things I wrote about in my last blog. I was feeling a little down so I decided to busy myself with a new project. While I was being creative I heard my phone ring and didn't really feel like answering, but I looked to see who it was anyway. The unexpected call was from one of my really old friends that I hadn't spoken to in a while. Talking to him really made my night and now I just can't stop smiling. He's such a happy person who is fun to talk to and joke around with. I really missed him a lot. Funny how one person can change your mood so easily. They can be like your ray of sunshine on a cloudy day, or an impossible rainbow in the dark of night. Makes you wonder how we ourselves effect the people in our lives.

One more note: I'd like to take this time to say that I am finally finished with "A Confederacy of Dunces." Although I hated.. despised.. loathed that book, I feel very accomplished for finishing it. I wish it would have had a different ending though. One where Ignatius possibly gets fatally impaled on his plastic pirates cutlass and punctures his oh-so-irritating "valve"? (Sorry for the graphic-ness of that... I couldn't help plotting while I was reading). I also finished the rest of my AP work so I can relax for the rest of summer... all three days of it =P

Until next time <3

Midnight Musings

It's late and I should really be sleeping right now. I have to get up early for cross country in the morning... but at least my soreness has passed for now. This one stubborn curl keeps falling in my face. I guess I'll stop my nonsensical rambling and get to the reason why I'm here right now. I need to get this off my chest:

Why do we fall in love? What determines who we fall in love with? I mean, you can find this really nice person with all the attributes you seek, yet you may not love them at all. What makes us "click" with only certain people? And do we have a choice in the matter? Somewhere in our brains, our minds subconsciously decide whether we love someone or not. I'm not much of a believer in destiny... but what is another explanation? I always hear people say "if it was meant to be, then it will work out." I always wonder if that's valid. I also want to know why I always seem to fall in love with the people I can't be with. Whether I've loved the person for eleven years... or six months...it seems like it's always impossible to be with the people I love. Maybe it's not meant to be, or things will work out later? Or maybe I'm missing something I should be doing now. All I know is that my heart races whenever an IM pops up... or I look up into their eyes and wonder why they look like they're holding back from saying something. And I feel like I've lost something when I know that they are leaving.. or have already gone. Whatever it is that determines who we love doesn't fold under the pressure of being appart, or not talking as often, or only seeing each other once a week. It makes me wonder if we are just puppets under some kind of love spell... loving consistently and unconditionally... or if we have a choice over our own feelings. Maybe with those people you can't be with but have always loved, it's worth the wait. Or maybe its just a waste of hope and time. I guess I'll never know.

Judgement Day

So I'm alive... and breathing and writing this blog. I feel alright but I couldn't say the same for myself a few hours ago. Well today was the first day of "hell week" for cross country and also many other sports. The first day is the judgement day... where it becomes clear who has been running all summer and who has not. Personally, I was a bit lazy this summer. That was due to the fact that it was pretty damn hot out and also that I pretty much hate long distance. Anyway, I won't make more excuses but I feel like writing about what goes on inside my head during hell week (and also races during the season).

Unlike track, where I can use bursts of speed for up to 400m or even 600m and there really isn't any prolonged pain, long distance for me is agony. I'm not built for that.. I'm built for mid-distance sprinting. During track my mind goes fast thinking things like... Faster. Pump Arms. On toes. Accelerate. Finish line. But cross country.. oh no. It's not a fast thought process with rushed ideas. You are given all the time in the world to think.. and that's where my negativity shines through. My mind is pretty much: Okay I'm getting kind of tired now. Oh! Theres a cramp in my side. Take deeper breaths. Keep on going. Keep those feet moving. Ten to fifteen minutes later... *gasps for air* I can't breathe. My shins are killing me. Every step is making my leg throb. How much longer do we have to do this for?! Another 20 minutes?!... do me a favor and kill me now! Why am I even doing this? You can just stop running you know... no one will like you any less. God I hate this sport. I CAN'T do this dammit! Why should I keep on going? Because I love running.... yep, that's it, I love running... I love to run.. and running... love to...

And tomorrow I will go back again. Maybe if I drill "I love running" into my head enough I might actually start to believe it. This sport tests your body as well as your will power... did I meantion your sanity? I cannot wait until hell week is over. On a brighter note: I got a new haircut! It's a lot shorter than it was, thank goodness, and my curls are back =]. I also decided to get sidebangs and it turns out I love them. I never thought I'd have bangs again after the third grade. It's a cute/fun haircut... good for rocking out to music with (especially when playing guitar hero --> which my parents got a laugh out of). Oh and my day after XC has been pretty nice so far. I ate lunch, took a shower while listening to some fun music, and napped. Yay for napping!

On that note I'll close. Until next time <3

Carry On

Right now it's 9:48 but it feels like it's after midnight to me. I took the laptop on my bed and Todd is sleeping about 7 inches from my leg. I had to bathe him yet again today and Maggie too. Those damn fleas are relentless... they should be banished off the face of the planet. I can't believe summer is almost over and we're going back to school soon. I really need to finish up the AP work but I dread having to read "A confederacy of Dunces." I actually sat down and made a strenuous effort to read it before, that is before I became completely disgusted and had to stop. While I read I realized that Ignatius (the main character) has a strong resemblance to someone I encountered recently. This was someone I had known of before a two weekends ago but hadn't really talked to him much... and then to my misfortune I was obligated to entertain/converse with him. Needless to say I would much rather keep my distance from both this person and Ignatius Reilley.

Last night I decided to clean out my horribly cluttered and disastrously messy closet. As some of you might know, for the past year or so I haven't permitted any of my guests to look in there. Yes, it really was that bad. My motivation for this task was to find my long lost keys, but I also wanted something to do because I had a lot on my mind. The challenge took a good 3 hours and also 3 filled garbage bags but now it looks spotlessly clean. I also cleaned my room while I was at it. It's strange to look around and see everything meticulously in place. In that respect I feel somewhat accomplished.

Sorry to keep jumping around here, but I wanted to mention a movie I saw. The night before last I sat down to watch "Becoming Jane" about the life of Jane Austen (author of Pride and Prejudice). I should also mention that the stereotypical 'chick-flicks' have been making me feel sick to my stomach lately. This movie however was different. Unlike all Jane Austen's novels, where the heroine ends up happily in love with a wealthy suitor, the life of the author was different. Unlike her heroines, Jane did not end up with the love of her life. She never married, she lived by her pen, and she became a famous author. To be completely honest, the unexpected ending was refreshing. It wasn't the romantic fantasy ending we see all the time. Instead it was real and undiluted. That's why I liked it so much.

I'm starting to wonder how many people actually read this blog. I mean, I would still write if nobody read it, but sometimes I wonder. Lately I feel a bit... left out in some ways. It's hard when you expect a situation to turn out a certain way and then it isn't all how you imagined it. I feel out of the loop and out of communication from some people. Like things are so much different now, which I guess they are. I feel almost disregarded, and forgotten, and abandoned. I know those words sound harsh but I can't find another way to describe it. I know there's probably reasons for it... what was I expecting really? Things aren't ever going to be the same. Maybe I should just get over it. Maybe I need to carry on with my own life.

Isn't It Ironic?

Right now I'm sitting at the kitchen table on the laptop. My mom is cooking Chicken Cacciatore on the stove about 4 feet away from me. The aroma has pretty much permeated throughout the whole house. When I breathe it in I can almost taste it. If you've never had this recipe before... its chicken cooked in a red sauce with onions, mushrooms, and a few peppers, all served over right. The smell is mouth-watering and indescribable. If heaven could taste like anything... this is what it would taste like.

So anyway, I should really stop gushing about my upcoming dinner lol. I'm hungry *stomach grumbles* This week/weekend has been very eventful. Mon-Fri I had bad camp every morning. During some points of it I felt annoyed... but as a whole I can honestly say: I had fun. Then on Sunday we went up to Boston to visit Northeastern university. I was expecting this beautiful campus in a great neighborhood and I thought that I'd really love it. Turns out this wasn't the case at all. I actually hated it and I wasn't crazy about Boston either. The college was in "the hood" of Boston (yes, i said 'the hood' =P) and the neighborhood was really shabby. i didn't feel safe there at all and i could never live there.

We ended up driving home the same day and I was really disappointed about the college. My dad suggested that we go visit Hofstra the next day so when I got home I scheduled a tour. I figured that it couldn't be much worse than the other one. Well, it definitely wasn't as bad as the other one... in fact, it wasn't bad at all... it was actually quite amazing. Hofstra offers so much academically, musically, and the campus is beautiful. I was extremely impressed and the more I saw, the more I fell in love with it. They say that you can tell if you belong there as soon at you step onto a campus. Now I know that its correct. Hofstra was perfect in every way.

Ironic, isn't it? How things turn out. I ended up hating the college I thought I'd love, and loving the college I thought I'd hate. I guess i should underestimate a good thing right around the corner. I feel a bit enlightened. My eyes are open to all the possibilities now. I finally know what I want from a college. I was starting to think that maybe what I was looking for in a college didn't exist. And I also feel a bit relieved that I finally found a college that I love.

Until next time <3

Without you

"Without you, the breeze warms
the girl smiles
the cloud moves

Without you, the tides change
the boys run
the oceans crash

The crowds roar
the days soar
the babies cry
without you

The moon glows
the river flows...

The world revives
colors renew
but I know blue
only blue
Lonely blue
Willingly blue
Without you

Without you, the hand gropes
the ear hears
the pulse beats

Without you, the eyes gaze
the legs walk
the lungs breathe

The mind churns
the heart yearns
the tears dry without you

Life goes on...

Out Here Counting Airplanes

I meant to write this blog a few days ago... but as I keep repeating on here... my life has gotten so busy. I just woke up an hour early, forgetting that marching band is an hour later today so I decided to write. However I should probably take advantage of the extra sleeping time... oh well.

On Saturday night I went to the Mets game at Shea. At first I really wasn't looking foward to going and would have rather been somewhere else. I had plans for that night that I had to give up for that game. When we first got there I was in a terrible mood. We pretty much parked in Guam and crowds of people tend to get in the way and be really annoying. Our seats were in the third tier but they were actually decent seats right behind home plate where you can see everything. Well... you can see everything if you aren't near-sighted =P. Anyway, I ended up having a nice time. Going to a Mets game, or any MLB game, is so much better than seeing the Long Island Ducks. When I saw the Ducks last week I was so bored, but being in Shea Stadium is so much different. It is exhilarating to be part of that massive multitude of people packing the stadium. When everyone cheers its like one big voice made up of thousands. You can feel the excitement, or the anticipation, or the shock, or the disappointment ripple through the crowd.

A few interesting... umm... events took place. First of course there was the green-eyed guy leering at me while he sat to my right. It was harmless but I just wasn't in the mood and found it a bit annoying instead of flattering. Under the circumstances you can't really expect anything else. Then there was the green-eyed guys obnoxious Marlin-fan buddy who would not shut up. To our left were the group of loud white guys who announced that our section "just got a hell of a lot better" when they arrived. Oh! and my personal favorite: the group of spanish guys who arrived already drunk. One of the spanish guys sat next to me dad and kept putting his arm around his shoulders, offering him fries, and talking to him.... oblivious to the fact that he was wasted. At least he was a happy drunk though. The funniest part of the night: The guys who announced that our section got better spilled beer all over himself becoming completely soaked. Shirt, pants, and all. He stands up yelling that he's completely soaked and that it was so embarrasing... and then *BAM* He drops his pants down to his ankles, revealing the eye-burning sight of him in tighty-whities. We'll just say that for a moment... our entire section went into shock and then roared with laughter. You can always see something interesting at a Mets game.

Ever since I was little I would count airplanes when I went to a baseball game at Shea Stadium. This time I counted 21. Then I remembered the lyrics to a song by Train so I thought I'd put them here:

"And there seems to be a price for everything
You get what you pay for then you pay for
What you already thought you bought before

When you're up between the new sky line
The city lights and the warm sunshine
It's a long way down
When you can count on one hand what you love
And can count on who you love to help you
On your long way down

You end up counting airplanes
Trying to keep up with these changes
I don't wanna be with anybody else"

Time after Time

What exactly is time? I was thinking about this the other day and then I remembered that someone made an argument that time does not exist a few months ago. There are so many expressions that go hand in hand with the word "time": Once upon a time... I haven't got the time... the time of your life...time flies...time's-up ... time is running out... the Land before time =P. See... I think time exists, but not in the sense that it's most commonly associated with. I'm not referring to the cyclic time mankind has made according to the stars and the earth's orbit, where everything is divided into intervals. I'm not talking about the increments of years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, and seconds. Those are just measurements to help human kind form schedules and become more organized. Sometimes I feel like this sort of "time," where everyone wears a watch or is constantly watching their cellphones, has put life in such a rush. Everyone is speeding through their busy schedules, worrying about where they have to go or if they will miss an appointment. When was the last time they just stopped and noticed the beauty of life around them. You know... stopped and smelled a flower, looked at the moon, wished on a star? This is the type of time I believe in. I'm referring to time in the sense of "life" ... life lived and life unlived. Memories, and the memories to start.

"Life time" is an interesting thing isn't it? Sometimes you wish it would pass by quickly because you are anxious for something to come, or sometimes you wish it would slow down because you don't want something to end. You might even feel both ways at the same time. At moments you might wish you had more of it. You might want to go back to certain moment in your life and fix a mistake. Sometimes we can even wish to stop time... and delay life, just so we can stay in one moment forever and prolong the inevitable. But we can't stop time, we can't stop life. It is fleeting with opportunies and chances that we must choose to take or ignore. We can't fast-foward or rewind our lives like a favorite movie or an audio cassette. Life doesn't slow down or speed up for anyone and we have to deal with the situations we are faced with. We are only given a certain amount of time, a certain amount of life, and it is up to us to choose what we do with it.


"How do you measure the life
Of a woman or a man?

In truths that she learned,
Or in times that he cried.
In bridges he burned,
Or the way that she died.

It's time now to sing out,
Tho' the story never ends
Let's celebrate
Remember a year in the life of friends
Remember the love!"

Awake

So it's 2:15 and I have the feeling this is going to be another long night (into morning). I just can't seem to be able to sleep lately. For the past three nights I've been up until four in the morning. Maybe I've developed insomnia. I can't even give a good explanation why I can't sleep or why my sleeping schedule is so erratic these days. Oh well. I just wanted to put these lyrics here: --> Awake

"If I could make these moments endless
If I could stop the winds of change
If we just keep our eyes wide open
Then everything would stay the same

And I know that only time will tell me how
We'll carry on without each other

So keep me awake for every moment
Give us more time to be this way
We can't stay like this forever
But I can have you next to me today

We'll let tomorrow wait, you're here, right now, with me
All my fears just fall away, when you are all I see

We can't stay like this forever
But I have you here today

And I will remember
Oh I will remember
Remember all the love we shared today"

..............Good night <3

August Rush

Yay... time for a 2 o'clock in the morning blog session. About half an hour ago I was laying in bed, unable to sleep, and thinking about writing for a bit. It took me awhile to actually get motivated enough to go to the computer but that gave me some time to think. I was under the covers nice and warm, in contrast to my air-conditioned room, while Mag stared mesmerized at my lighting lamp like it was the coolest thing she's even seen. Have I mentioned that I completely adore that cat?

I listened to Josh Groban on my ipod for a while and I think I have a new favorite music artist. Holy crap he is... INCREDIBLE. His baritone voice is so strong and powerful, but also so gentle and controlled. His voice is so expressive and he has the most amazing vocal range. Listening to him can make you smile or even want to cry depending on the song. I can honestly say his is the most beautiful male voice I have heard in my entire life. I really enjoy listening to talented male vocalists because it's just more appealing and soothing to me. He has the voice of an angel. An angel of music? Well, now all he has to is sing phantom of the opera and I'd die and go to heaven.

Speaking of music... I saw the movie "August Rush" the other day. It was about an orphaned kid who tries to find his parents through music. Both of his parents are musically talented and the kid turns out to be a musical prodigy. The movie was really great and also heart-warming. The title intrigued me and when I was trying to sleep before I thought of how things are about to get so busy in my life. August is finally here and it has arrived in a whirlwind. Everything is just flying by so fast. Cross-country is starting, Kevin is leaving in a week, the wedding, marching band, summer work, and college visits. It always seemed like August was far away... like it was so far off in the distance and would never arrive. But August is here and sometimes, although we might want to, we can't stop time. Time has to run its course. Things are about to change and I guess we just have to stand up and face it. We have to face the August Rush.

Immaturity

Okay look. I am normally a very calm person. My temperament is solid, steady, and tranquil. For those of you who know me... you know that I don't get truly mad at most of the everyday things that bother other people. I can endure a lot of annoyance and exhibit self control most of the time. The only time I truly lose my temper is when things build up and I just can't take it anymore. Then the volcano explodes and you can be prepared for a raging, stormy temper. However, like a volcano... eruptions are somewhat rare.

One thing I just can't stand is immaturity. I cannot deal with immaturity on any level. It makes me lose my patience and just become so angry. Whether it be that little kind whining and throwing a temper tantrum in the supermarket to his mother, or a parent making a close-minded argument to their teenage son/daughter, it irks me to no end. It makes me so angry!! I think what bothers me the most though is when people who know better act this way. A little kid I can understand... because facing the facts: they are not mature. But a 12-13 year old throwing a temper tantrum over not getting to watch tv when he wants? They know better and there is no good reason as to why they should act like a bratty 6 year old who didn't get the toy he wanted. In my opinion, when you get to a certain age... just GROW UP already because acting like that is complete bullshit. I mean, it's not like your tv privileges are being taken away for life... or that you are having a constant argument where you have to defend yourself and your opinions on college daily... just wait 20 more minutes until my show is over and then you can do whatever you want. Or watch the puppy for 10 minutes while I take a shower. It's not really too much to ask, is it? Because if it is I honestly think I've lost my mind then. But no... certain people have to whine and bitch and complain just because they didn't get their way in this very instant. Oh and get the rest of us grounded... which better not last more than today because if it does I might have my own little temper eruption. I'm kind of on a time limit here and although I'm over that fact generally... I'm a bit stressed out.

God I just HATE immaturity. So lets just put it this way... if you are going to act extremely childish and immature in my presence.. please don't even bother because at this rate I just can't handle it. Sorry for the angry rant.. I'm done now.

Are You With me Dr. Wu? *shrugs*

Well today has been interesting. I randomly woke up at 6 in the morning with horrible cramps and could fall back asleep for awhile... so I finished the book I had started reading yesterday. It was about this band geek or "BeeGee" who plays the flute and turns into a Siren (yes, the mythical kind) on her sixteenth birthday. The book was one of a genre called the Simon Pulse Romantic comedies. They are light, fun summer reads that always make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside when you finish them. They are kind of like... reading a chick flick versus watching one... except way better. My favorite one is about this girl drummer... but anywho. The book was good and it delayed my inevitable fate of having to read "A Confederacy of Dunces."

Besides dosing myself up with advil every few hours (the cost for being a girl *sigh*) I also clicked around on facebook for awhile, cleaned, and wrote a bit. When I was writing I realized how nice my cursive has gotten. My cursive really looked terrible when I started using it again... but now after a whole lot of practice it has been fine-tuned to this pretty, curly, elegant style. While I was on facebook before someone pointed out some new pictures.. and they were a bit disturbing. I just don't understand how people can just simply ignore a problem, averting their eyes and pretending that everything is fine. The problem is blatantly obvious... its visible, yet everyone keeps their mouth shut while things keep getting worse and worse. It makes me angry and it makes me want to take a step out of my "proper" place and say what everyone else should have said months ago. But then again... what do I know? That's how the people in question would see the situation.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what I want to do, career-wise, with my life. With looking at colleges I've started to narrow down what I want my major to be. First I went from radio broadcasting, to journalism, and then then those faded. I started thinking that I've always been really interested in psychology for a while and that there are a lot of careers in that field. And then I remembered how I wanted to be a lawyer for a few years. I wanted to be a District Attorney and put the criminals away. And then suddenly it hit me... the perfect career that interests me. A career in Criminal Psychology. It's the best of both worlds. Maybe I'll major in Psych and minor in criminal Justice... or double minor with c.j. and music. Have you seen law and order SVU? You know who B.D. Wong plays? Well that's what I want to do. Although obviously not exactly like tv... that would just be silly because we all know nothing is truly like it is on television.

Well that about concludes my blog for today. I guess I'll end it with this nice little random quote:
>>"Knowledge is a great gift, and the thirst to seek it even greater. Use what you know and your enemy will never defeat you. Head and heart. You are not made to give greater weight to one than the other. Your sword will flame, I promise you, and your crown will shine. But what you hold inside your head and your heart is true power." -Norah Roberts

Just Another Manic Monday...

I've wanted to sit down pretty much all last week and now this week to write a blog but everything had been SOOO busy. It's like my life goes from a lulling rhythm of quiet and relaxed routine to a deafening roar of running around with tons of things to do. Luckily though it wasn't a list of unejoyable things on my agenda. I worked at Alex's grandma's house helping paint, cleaning out the gutters, and cleaning out the basement. I finally made some money and in addition I had a lot of fun in the process. I keep laughing when I think of the ancient radio that we got to work and hearing it play ACDC... but I think it was a bit too much for the radio because we heard this "pop" sound and then it started smoking. Well.. either ACDC .. or the outlet was too strong. Also this week band camp rehearsals started and I've been seeing a lot of new faces in our ensemble... which serves as a constant reminder of how different this upcoming year is going to be.

Not all of my week was filled with chores like cleaning out the gutters or vacuuming though. I ended up going to a block party for a little while, unexpectedly, and then yesterday I went to the city. Zarra took me to go see the show RENT for my birthday and then we went out to dinner. The show was fantastic and I enjoyed it a lot. You know it's good when it makes you tear up a bit... why yes, I am a sap =P. I always enjoy going to the city. NYC is just so amazing. And just a little random tidbit: the song "Everyone's a little bit Racist" from the show Avenue Q is pretty funny. We listened to it on the radio on the way home... and the song itself is a little racist.. but some of it is also true.

Then TODAY I visited the Rose Hill Campus of Fordham University in the Bronx. It's in the "nice" part of the Bronx, near the Bronx Zoo and directly across the street for the Botanical Gardens. First we went to the information session and then afterwards we went on a tour of the campus. During the information session an admissions officer told us about the school.. and I swear when the "sticker price" was announced there was an audible gasp of shock reverberating through the room. Colleges are ridiculously expenssive these days. I can honestly say that Fordham wasn't exactly what I was expecting... but that it was also nice in that respect. I was expecting something a little more modern... but the lush green campus adorned with beautiful Gothic architecture and cobblestone paths was a pleasant surprise. It's hard to believe that a campus like that with all the trees, park-like atmosphere, and it's quietness can be right next door to the bustling city. And the city being close by is a definite asset to the college. The campus seems like an escape from the loud city... but with the option to go whenever you want if you choose to do so. The only thing I didn't like was the dorm room we saw. Our guide was saying that you can get into better dorms by applying for them and writing an essay.. but she brought us into one of the crappier dorms that don't require the essay and it was far from impressive. 1) It had no AC and it was hot as hell.. not to mention very stuffy. 2) The inside looked extremely dingy and even a bit dirty. and 3) The room itself was a triple and beyond tiny. The windows don't open and the entire dorm had a whole prison type feel to it. I wish we could have seen some of the other dorms. I also wish I could have taken a look at their athletic center.

Overall I thought the college was nice. Given, I wasn't in complete awe of it but I would consider going there. What I'm really looking foward to is going to Boston though and visiting Northeastern University (which I hope is as nice as it sounds on paper). I can't wait to visit more colleges so that I have something to compare to. Wow, I can't believe I wrote a normal blog with no deeper meaning =D .. I feel proud. Oh well, I guess I'll end this one by saying this: Operation First College Visit= Successful.

Cat's Leave Pawprints on Your Heart

"Over this past weekend two vicious pit-bull dogs, licensed and taged by Brookhaven Town, were roaming the neighborhood unleashed. On Saturday, they attacked and killed a Manor Park residents pet cat. ' Cosmo' was on his own property and was viciously attacked by the two roaming dogs. The Suffolk County Police and Brookhaven Code Enforcement arrived quickly to take the dogs into custody and secured them at the Town Shelter. Sadly, for the D'Amico family their actions came too late to prevent tradegy.

This episode has brought to light an apparent loophole in the Town Animal Control Laws that we feel needs immediate attention. Because the Pit Bulls were legally licensed, the town could not hold them for merely 'killing' a beloved pet. Instead the owners of "Cosmo" must now file a legal action against the owners of the Pit Bulls. On Tuesday, the Town Shelter released the two Pit Bulls to their legal owners, and they are now back in Manor Park!

BEWARE

The D'amico family was assisted by Shelter staff, but has been severely traumized by this horror. 'Cosmo' was torn to pieces by these animals, yet the law requires the D'Amico family to now file a District court 121 action against the owners of the dogs. Although, the Town has a 'one bite' rule for dogs that bite humans, no such rule exists for the licensed, unleashed, roaming aminals that attack other animals.

This is the second roaming Pit Bull problem we have experienced in Manor Park in just the last few weeks. We intend to ask the town to modify its rules to keep animals charged with fatally attacking other animals or pets in shelter custody until the conclusion of a 121 action. We feel that present rules that actually permit these animals to be returned to our community, puts our community at serious risk of yet another incident. We think the more prudent course is to hold the animals and let the owners prove the animal poses no further risk to the area. Let us know what you think, and meanwhile keep your pets safe and sound."
--> Manor Park Civic Association

Free Bird

When I was outside in my back yard watching the puppy for a bit and being incredibly bored because I was grounded, I found a beautiful blue jay feather. Half of it darkens from charcoal grey to black, while the other half is a mix of light blue and dark blue with black stripes. The very tip of the feather is white. So while Simon (the puppy) romped around the yard for awhile, I sat down on the patio, twirled the feather between my fingers and thought about everything...

Human parenting is a lot similar to avian parenting. The adults nurture and care for their young; building a home/shelter and providing for them. Birds and humans alike show love for their offspring and show them good habits... like brushing their teeth of preening their feathers. They help their offspring grow, protecting them from predators and threats along the way. Every now and then you can look outside and see a large bird colony protecting its young in a shrieking, angry flurry of beaks and feathers. It's the same with humans... just minus the beaks/feathers and add some loud yelling and a few crude hand gestures. Did you know that some species of birds, like Penguins and Flamingos, even have their own "day-care" system in order to look after their young while they gather food? Sounds a bit familiar.

However unlike birds, some humans have a problem with letting their offspring go off on their own. Once young birds reach a certain maturity level, their parents shoo them out of the nest in order for the young ones to fly. The parents still look after them and still show affection, but at a distance. For instance, Blue Jays... they will attack anything they see as a threat (like my cats), yet still leave the offspring independent.

Some human parents refuse, or have trouble doing this. This is especially common with their teenagers who plan on heading off to college. Then it comes down to the will of the kid; who decides that it's time to leave the nest (figuratively) and focus on their future. This bird cannot be caged... she needs to spread her wings and fly.....

Semi-charmed Life

I honestly don't know why I'm up writing this late and not sleeping like I should be, but my body is going to hate me in the morning. Not only because of the getting up part... but because of the running part. I finally decided to get up off my lazy butt and be health conscious again. I'll admit the laziness was nice... but it's time to get into running mode again, and I'm already sore (eww). Another thing I've decided is that I'm going to quit starting to read books that don't really catch my interest in the first place. It's getting to be a bad habit. I pick up a book just for the hell of it and then I never finish it. So today I took a little trip to the library and to my disappointment they didn't have many book by Terry Goodkind. Looking for other options I head towards the back wall of the library and turn to go to the next row of shelves... when something caught my eye. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the author "Mercedes Lackey" on a shelf lining the entire back wall. I had been looking for that author previously and couldnt find her but there were close to thirty book written by her. Then I realized that the ENTIRE back wall was all of the fantasy/sci-fi genre. I have been going to that library for YEARS and I have never realized what those shelves had on them. It was like I discovered a hidden treasure trove. It made my day =] ... and yes, I am a nerd =P.

Lately I've been listening to a lot of the old female fronted bands and artists. A lot of Pat Benatar, Heart, the Pretenders... you know. They are just so awesome and their work has made such a breakthrough for women. Their work has helped form a new image for women... one of independence and power. What I love about them is they show that they are talented, that they are powerful, that they can be independent, and they can be feminine all at the same time. Their music is liberating... they rock (especially P.B.). From listening to them, and also a musically talented group of friends that are in a band, I have been inspired. I want to start a band when I'm in college and I want to do the vocals. And in college you have the freedom to do that sort of thing, not to mention talented people to do it with. So that's a new inspiration of mine... I can see it now. The microphones, and the drumset, and a Fender Stratocaster (<3) *sigh* ... one day.

Yesterday I dedicated most of my day to the ongoing college search. Figured it wasn't going to get a move-on by itself. So I sat at the computer and looked at the different aspects of a bunch of colleges. The academics, the location, the music ensembles, the athletics, the tuition, scholarships..... It takes awhile and it's very tedious but I actually found a few colleges that I really like. Now I just have to plan some college visits and keep looking around. So much weight is put on choosing a college and finding the right one. It just takes a bit of time to find one where we will be happy and to find one that meets our expectations. People (whether they are relatives or friends) keep asking me "Where are you going? What do you want to do with your life?" And although those questions can seem somewhat oppressive at some times, they can be enlightening at others. I don't know where I want to go yet, but I have an idea. I don't know what I want to do.. but that's the beauty of it! The possibilities are endless... the freedom to choose whatever inspires you when the time comes. When I was looking at academic stuff and the majors offered I started thinking about different careers. And I saw that what we want changes as we ourselves change. I used to want to be a vet... but I discovered some things about myself since then that make me rethink that option. I'm thinking about careers in music, or songwriting, or broadcasting, or journalism, psychology. I think its about finding something that you love. Something that encompasses your talents and projects a part of yourself into your work. Just finding it can be the difficult part.

"Sometimes, when we lose ourselves in fear and despair, in routine and constancy, in hopelessness and tragedy, we can thank God for Bavarian sugar cookies. And, fortunately, when there aren't any cookies, we can still find reassurance in a familiar hand on our skin, or a kind and loving gesture, or subtle encouragement, or a loving embrace, or an offer of comfort, not to mention hospital gurneys and nose plugs, an uneaten Danish, soft-spoken secrets, and Fender Stratocasters, and maybe the occasional piece of fiction. And we must remember that all these things, the nuances, the anomalies, the subtleties, which we assume only accessorize our days, are effective for a much larger and nobler cause. They are here to save our lives. I know the idea seems strange, but I also know that it just so happens to be true."-Stranger than Fiction

Hanging by a Moment

I kept telling myself this past week that I was going to sit down and write a blog. I had all my ideas planned out on paper and everything. I guess I was just busy having a life.. so I could write about some of it here =P. I need a job because the "Jess-fund" is ever-so-rapidly declining.. so my search for one is ongoing. Hopefully I'll be going for an interview in a couple of days and then tomorrow I have to call Kohls. I can't believe that it's July already. Its seems as if summer has just started.. and yet, in some ways it's almost over. Although I have a plethora of things to write about now that I haven't written in awhile.. I'll only mention two of them:

1) Graduation. Graduation was on the 28th of June this year. I played flute for wind ensemble like every year. The ceremony was nice and I was pretty impressed with a speech or two. Unlike the previous graduations our school has had, this year graduation was outside on the football field instead of in the airconditioned auditorium. It was nice to not have limited seating.. but it was god awfully hot outside... not to mention I got scorched from sitting out there for band. I can only imagine how hot the poor graduates were under those gowns. Nevertheless is was nice to be able to see all of the seniors go up and get their diplomas. Graduation was the point where they all officially moved on... and it was also the day that it started to sink in for me. Junior year is finally over. I'm a SENIOR. How and when did that happen? When I walked into the band room before we went out to play, I saw so many new faces, and not the familiar ones that I have become so accustomed to. It came as a shock .. to not see those seniors talking and laughing with eachother.. putting together their instruments.. playing notes obnoxiously =P. And then I realized how different this upcoming year is going to be. Those seniors aren't coming back next year.. they are moving on to something bigger and better. And now we are the seniors. We're at the top of the school hierarchy. And in a year.. which will fly by faster than we can imagine... we will be standing right there in the seats of the seniors before us (though hopefully in the air-conditioned auditorium instead). In merely a year we will be heading off for college and leaving this all behind. A little overwhelming all in one day.

2) "No matter how long we exist, we have our memories. Points in time which time itself cannot erase. Suffering may distort my backward glances, but even to suffering, some memories will yield nothing of their beauty or their splendor. Rather they remain as hard as gems." -Anne Rice

Another thing I've been thinking about lately is memories... the memories I have, the memories I am making this summer, and all the memories to come in the future. And we will always have these memories to look back on... like a collection of colorful treasures, or a scrap-book, or a tattered old leatherbound book that you can come back to read every once in awhile. This precious collection of memories can almost be seen as the proof of our very existence...the reason we are here... for without our memories, who are we? Our experience and our memories make up the very fibers of the lives we live, and they are part of who we are... the people we become. In those memories, life as it once was is captured. You can see exactly how a person was in one specific point in time... how he winked at you or how her hair seemed to dance in the breeze. You can remember how you felt when you laughed so hard tears were streaming from your eyes or how you were smiling so much your cheeks started to hurt. You can remember how tired you were in that track workout or in those drawn-out pit band rehearsals. I'll always remember playing hockey down at the church... or listening to a trumpet player attempt to play Ironman in the beginning of wind ensemble... or just simply laying down on my bed and watching the Mets. I'll remember running in the rain for cross-country, getting soaked to the skin and covered in mud. I'll remember sitting in the back of my best friends gigantic pickup truck on the fourth of July, while listening to the Beatles and watching fireworks. I'll remember watching my boyfriends band play at some of the graduation parties and thinking how proud I was of him. I'll remember watching some of those graduated seniors gleefully burn the books and assignments they hated in hichschool in the glowing bonfire, and getting a hug from someone special while "Sweet Child O' Mine" played in the background and fireworks went off in the distance.

You've Got Another Thing Coming...

Ready for an anti-authoritarian rant? Because here we go... *drumroll*:

This has been the last "official" week of school where everyone has had to come in and take finals for certain classes. Now during the rest of the year, excluding this "finals week," security has been at a minimum (for the most part). Sure they will tell you to put away the occasional ipod in the morning because it gives them something to do, but there's nothing extreme and usually they wont confiscate it. Throughout the year you are free to bring in bags, food, and even cell phones just as long as you don't display them in the open. The different and completely ridiculous thing about finals week is that administration decides to "crack down" and treat the students like they are prisoners rather than actual students. If you bring a bag it will be taken away from you, whether you let them check its' contents or not. They will also confiscate ipods and other electronics, but the major "no-no" to bring to school is *bum bum bum*... the highly dangerous and lethal cellphone (which apparently compromises the overall safety of the school and its precious finals).

There has been a thorough and ongoing search for cellphones as students have walked through the main entrance and past security to their finals this week. They will tell you to hand in your cell phone and most students are not very fond of that idea. If administration thinks you might have a cell-phone on your person they will pat you down or "frisk" you to find out. Ladies and gentlemen have even been made to turn out their pockets. A guy that I've talked to this week said that one of the security guards questioned him saying "You have a bulge in your pocket.What's in it?" Of course when I heard that I had to laugh a bit.. once in awhile our minds tend to slip into the gutter (mine does anyway). The response to that statement from another person was "You should've told him you had a boner and walked away." So ANYWAY.. this cellphone thing has gotten a bit ridiculous, and to be perfectly honest: it's not doing very much to improve "security." Plenty of people have gotten past with their cellphone without security knowing. I have watched some girls go to the extremes of stuffing their phones into their bras in order to get by. Like we're smuggling in drugs or something! It's not cocaine, it's not a bomb... its a cellphone for chrissake!

I was annoyed about this process beforehand, but what brought about this angry rant is that fact that my cellphone did in fact get confiscated. I got past security and got caught with it, eventually having to hand it in. I wasn't even using the cellphone. Hell, it wasn't even on! So the prick security guard that I got caught by (and I'm not just calling him that because he's the one who caught me.. he really is a prick *cough* excuse my French)made me follow him down to the security tables they had set up to sign in belongings. There were two tables set up about 2 feet away from each other and they both serve the same purpose. There were around 4 people at one table and 2 at the other so, naturally, I went to the table that was less crowded. Then the security guard has a little shit-fit which consisted of "I TOLD YOU TO GO TO THAT TABLE!!" And I'm like okay "relax" its not like I'm trying to make a damn prison-break here, I was going to the table with less people. I had a freaking pen in my hand to sign my phone in! Chill out psycho and step down from that power-trip before you hurt yourself. It's not a matter of national security so stop having a conniption. Please, spare us. (No I didn't say all of that >> I just said relax)

So I hand in my phone and I go take all my finals... whatever. Afterwards, before going to catch the bus, I go to the table to get my cellphone back. Turns out that since I got caught with it after I passed the tables they had handed my phone over to the main office. So then I had to go to the main office and talk to the head of administration or whatever he is (he will remain unnamed for blog purposes.. I'll just refer to him as Mr. M). When I got to the main office I had to go into Mr. M's office and have a "meeting" to explain why I hadn't given up my cellphone in the first place. I told him that "I do not trust administration with my personal belongings. I have gotten my cellphone stolen once and would like to keep it that way." At the end of our little meeting he told me that I had to have a parent come to the school in order for me to get my phone back. I called my mom from the office but I couldn't get in touch and by that point I had missed my bus home. Luckily a friend was still there when I got out and her mother was nice enough to drive me home.. otherwise I would have been stranded there for awhile.

Eventually I got home and explained what had happened. My mom and I had to drive back to school and get my cellphone from the main office after all of that. And get this- when I got my cellphone back... the power was still OFF. Needless to say, I'm pissed, but not so much that my cellphone got taken away. I'm angry at the way my school does things and the whole process. Even when you go to take exceedingly important tests like SAT's or ACT's they don't go to the extremes that my school did this week. They just tell you to shut everything off and put it beneath your desk. There is no confiscation and no searching of the students. When students have to worry about getting searched or getting "frisked" by a security guard when they go to school, there is definitely a problem. Taking away purses from female students bothers me too. What if by some chance one of those girls had their period? (Sorry guys who are reading this) Can you imagine having your bag searched by that same prick security guard that confiscated my cellphone? Explaining why you need your bag? Or if they still take it away.. carrying around a tampon or a pad all day?! That's horrible and completely ridiculous.

It is all just so unnecessary. It is a school, not a prison!! We are students, not criminals!!! Most of us are good kids and are being punished because of the mistakes of a few others. Stuff like this makes me really look forward to getting out of high school. Security, administration, and all those high-up people need to get off their power-trips, step off of those high pedestals they put themselves on, and see things for how they really are. These measures are completely unnecessary... but unfortunately nothing will change. One more year...

You, Shook me All Night Long...

I wrote this blog on Friday so here it goes:

Right now I'm sitting in the chorus practice room of the music wing. It's quiet here and i found a stool to lean on and a stand to rest my notebook on. I've pretty much been down in the music wing all day, with the singular exception of Argueta's class. It's completely pointless to be here considering we're doing nothing in all my classes and half the people aren't even here. Matt and I practiced some pops concert stuff before so that was cool.. sounded good too ;). At least I'm not being forced to do anything strenuous today because yesterday was a long day and I'm incredibly tired.
Yesterday ,morning I woke up at 4 am to do some homework I had forgotten about. The school day on Thursday went by pretty smoothly and before I knew it, the end of ninth period had arrived (after playing Cranium with Schiavoni's class =P). Right after school I had my hair appointment for senior prom. The wait at the salon was ridiculous and they started on my hair 40 minutes after the appointed time. I went with a simple, but pretty hairstyle, and got it blown out straight/wavy from it natural curliness. It still feels so smooth and soft; makes me want to run my fingers through it (well, I am actually).
At 5:30 Kevin came over to pick me up and our families had fun taking pictures of us on my front lawn. I also stabbed myself with the boutonniere pin (clumsy me). Then we headed over to a friends house for more pictures with the limo group. Everyone looked great; the guys in their tuxes, the girls in their colorful gowns. I absolutely looovved my dress: a shimmery ivory with gold and iridescent beading... just a dress I felt so great wearing, the way it moved... everything. Soon we got into the limo and headed to prom. The limo ride was awesome. We listened to Dio, Judas Priest,and Manowar on the way there. The music was blasting out of the speakers, most were singing , and everyone seemed really excited.
Eventually we got to the actual prom. I had an awesome time and was glad to be there. It was nice to see all the seniors dressed up and smiling. I got to spend time with Kev, dance with my best friends, and it was overall twenty times better than jr. prom. The music selection was a bit better and the food was good too. I even got a slow dance out of Kevin, which I enjoyed a lot =). Oh! and did I mention... Alex and I matched! We had fun randomly sneaking up on Mr. Lever and standing on each side of him with our arms crossed... like two body-guards in white cinderella dresses =P. Another highlight was when the group "party-boyed" Mr Ferrell (sp?).. and to the shock of others, he participated!
This might sound kind of cheesy , but for me, the most memorable moment of the night was in the limo ride home. It was dark and they decided to put the strobe lights on with music. We listened to ACDC over the speakers and "You shook me all night long" and "Highway to hell" are still in my head this very minute. There was a lot going on. Some of us were rocking along to the beat, some were head-banging, and most were singing along. Everyone seemed so happy. Everyone was smiling. I was a bit tired, but being in the limo was nothing short of exhilarating. It was like the strobe-lights created little photos; freeze frames caught in time. And that is the most memorable thing for me. When I look back on senior prom 2008 I will always remember those snapshots frozen in time. Seeing everybody laughing and smiling; dressed up and looking amazing. Watching the guys head-banging and singing along, getting lost in the music. I'll remember thinking to myself that it all didn't feel quite real, like it was all part of a dream and I would wake up at any given moment. I'll remember smiling quietly to myself as "She's Some Kind of Wonderful" played over the speakers and gazing across the limo under the flashing lights.

You've Got a Friend

I would like to dedicate this entry here to the awesome friends and family I have. I truly don't know what I would do without you guys. Life just wouldn't be the same. The amazing thing about friendship is that the friends that matter will always be there for you whether you see them a lot or even haven't spoken in awhile. When something is wrong they always seem to know when something is bothering you... like they have this feeling or can just read you like a book. They stand by you and give advice, but they let you make your own choices. They'll try to cheer you up in any way they can whether that method be making silly faces, singing out obnoxiously in public, or simply telling you that you are such a special person and that they are there for you. They stand by you at your best of times, beaming at you proudly, and also at the worst of times when it feels like everything is going wrong and all you want to do is go hide quietly by yourself in some dark place. They try to keep you from falling, and if you do, then they are right there to help you get back on your feet again.

Family shares a lot of the same attributes of friendship and sometimes the two even mix. If you're lucky enough you might have family that you regard as friends and friends that you love like family. Family is unique in the sense that if something is bothering you they will know about it immediately, and they will get you to talk about it whether you want to or not. Family is this tight-knit unit that always sticks together. There's always this innate sense of protectiveness within a family and you know that they will always be there for you, not matter what the situation is. They try to do what is best for you and guide you along the way. You might fight sometimes but you can always count on them. They will always be biased in your favor and think that you deserve the best of the best in life. They will try and make light of the situation by making stupid jokes, nudging with their elbow into your side until you laugh, or playfully messing up your hair. They will try to be funny (sometimes in the cheesiest way) when you are in the most terrible and cranky of moods, yet they make you laugh in spite of yourself. They make you roll your eyes at them... but you love them anyway.

Family and true friends will see you for who you are... at your best and your worst.. whether you are dolled up and gowned for your wedding day...or even when you're in sweatpants and a tee shirt, with your hair up in a messy bun and bloodshot eyes because you've been crying. You can always give them a call and know that they will be there for you if you need to talk (Z). They will randomly try to cheer you up by telling you that you are the most amazing person, you are the prettiest girl in the world, and that they are so glad to have you as a friend (A). They will stay up and talk with you until 3:45 in the morning so that you can vent about whatever you want and get it off your chest (B). They will leave you an inspirational and supportive comment on your blog to cheer you up when you need it the most (M). They will try to give you advice in your kitchen... even if that advice is as bizarre as shoving a broom in your face that symbolizes only something that you would understand (GLD). They will put up with your temper tantrums and even get mad for you when you are the one who really should be angry. But above all, these people are more like guardian angels... they are always looking out for you, they love you, and they will always be there for you when you need them. Always. I am so blessed to have the amazing family and friends that I do. You guys are my support system. So this one is for you... thank you so much.

"Life is all about family;
the family you are born into,
the friends that become family,
and the family you make for your own."

In the Blink of an Eye You Finally See the Light

I can always seem to relate to Carole King songs. These lyrics are so true.. and lately they remind me of my life.

"Ain't that the way
Whenever you think you've got it made
Everything changes on you
Ain't that the way
Nothing is stranger than the truth
And how it comes to you
Ain't that the way

In this life we are living
Moment to moment, day by day
And through all our tribulations
We reach out for each other
And if we're lucky, someone cares enough to say

Ain't that the way
Whenever you think you're in control
Everything turns around
Ain't that the way
One day you're flying
Next day you're on the ground
Ain't that the way

So it goes
You never know what's gonna happen
You never know, but something always does
And sometimes in quiet desperation
You realize it's never gonna be the way it was

Ain't that the way
Whenever you think you've got it all
There's a wall in front of you
Ain't that the way
You gotta go through it, it's life..."

Life always has its way of working things out.. sometimes doors open for you and other times they are slammed in your face. But quoting my cousin Melissa: "When one door is slammed in your face, a window has to open for air right?" Well I hope she's right. Sometimes we think that everything is going great and then a second later we discover that what we thought was our reality isn't real at all. What we believed to be true turns out to be resoundingly and horribly wrong. Sometimes we just wrap our own feelings around us as a security blanket and fail to see the truth as a result of it. We deny the truth.. we are blinded by our own feelings. But when that security blanket is stripped away... in the blink of an eye you finally see the light. Sometimes it comes as a shock. Things that you thought had changed or gotten better had actually just stayed the same and there is no way you can change them. You can't change the way other people feel. Sometimes we open ourselves up to other people, accepting a sense of vulnerability, and putting ourselves on the line. By doing this we take the risk of getting hurt and also take the chance of finding something wonderful... or maybe even both. However, sometimes you are the only one who risks it. The other stays somewhat detached while you are more emotionally involved than they are. Sometimes it can be one-sided and we ask ourselves the question "can we learn to accept that?" or even "should we?" I don't know what to do... some things were expected, but I don't know what to think about others. I don't know if I am making a mistake. Am I missing an opportunity.. or am I just wasting my time? I just need to think... I need to find a quiet place to be alone and just figure out everything. Sometimes we just have to forget the feelings we might have, forget our emotional attachments, and figure out what's best for us. Its a difficult thing to do, and I wish things were easier.. but they aren't. Ain't that the way?

Fairy Godmothers and Happy Endings

When I was at Borders the other day I decided to pick up a new book to read. I started in the sci-fi section and then gradually made my way to the fantasy section... as I am inclined to do by habit. I noticed that on the shelf there were about 30 books written by the author, Mercedes Lackey. I had never read anything by her so I started to browse through them, finding various tales about wizards, jousting dragons, gryphons, royalty, and mages. My Dad wanted to leave because I was taking so long, so I just grabbed a book, purchased it, and we headed out. I could spend hours upon hours in that store =). The book I ended up getting is called "The Fairy Godmother." Yes, it sounds a bit cliched and cheesy, but it has a twist. It's about this girl named Elena who is supposed to be the "Cinderella" of her kingdom. She is 21, has an evil stepmother/stepsisters, yet she never gets her happy-ending. Her step-family flees, leaving her to fend for herself, yet no-one will hire her because of the debt her family has accumulated. Then her fairy godmother shows up and offers her the most unexpected job; the job of her apprentice. So far the book is interesting and I'm enjoying it... but it made me think.

When you are young it's so easy to believe in magic and happily-ever-afters. That the world is this perfect place where dreams come true and you meet Prince Charming, or your Knight in shining armor riding a gleaming white stallion. Strong heros and heroines follow a code of valor and chivalry to defend those who cannot defend themselves. There are charitable Kings and Queens who justly rule the lands. You can find a genie in a lamp to grant your greatest desires. If you need a helping hand or get into trouble, your Fairy Godmother is always there to bail you out. It's not so impossible to imagine fantastical creatures such as faeries, dragons, elves, gryphons, or unicorns roaming through magical forests, dwelling in ancient caves, and soaring through the skies. That's why I love the fantasy genre. The books take you away to a magical place, to a far off realm, and a whole new world in itself. They take you back to when you were a child.. when it wasn't so hard to believe in magic.

As we grow older we come to realize that the world isn't such a perfect place and that sometimes there are no happy-endings. There are terrible people who hurt the innocent ones and tyrannically rule governments. There are no genies in magic lamps to grant our every wish and Fairy Godmothers do not exist to lead us to our happy-endings. We are all required to make decisions in our lives that have consequences, whether those consequences be good or bad. Not all things in life are like a fairy-tale. For instance, when I was younger, I never thought we would have to move from our old house. It was a beautiful blue two-story ranch that my parents had built themselves; with my mother's magnificent gardens, a sprawling backyard, a pool, an unattached garage the size of a small house (where my dad worked on his business), and two acres of woods on the property. Life was good there and we were happy. Then the town decided to build a school bus yard across the street from our house. Our neighbors and the community had a chance to fight it, yet they didn't take the initiative to go to the town meeting about the issue, leaving my mom and one other resident as the only people there who opposed it. So they ended up building the bus yard soon after. The buses were loud in the morning and they polluted the air near our house. I had bad asthma as a little kid and the bus yard made it even worse. I kept getting sick from it and eventually we had to move.

Sometimes I wonder what things would have been like if we didn't have to move, if people had made the decision to stand up against the town and the bus yard was never built. I would still be in Sachem school district with all the people I went to elementary school with, and with some of the people I played hockey with. My cousin (who also moved) would still be my neighbor and I would see her almost everyday... just like I did when we were little. I could help my mom pick string beans and tomatoes out of her garden during the summer. I might have gotten a job at one of the local stores. But above all, I wonder what I would be like if we had stayed there.. what kind of person I would have become. I was only eleven when we moved, still impressionable, and affected by all of the people around me. Moving to a new school was an experience, with making new friends and trying to fit in. Sometimes we don't realize how much the people around us really influence us, especially when we're young. If I had stayed in Sachem, would I have gotten into sports as much? I might have gotten cut from the teams I tried out for.. it is a much larger school after all. Would I have the same taste of music that I do now... would I love Rock? Or would I be into rap because all my friends listened to it? Would I have kept the same friends? And if I had, would I have followed them? I might even be a cheerleader if I stayed there.. considering that's what all my old friends became. Or could I have followed in my older brother Gene's footsteps and joined Sachem marching band? Getting really into music? Would the relationships I have with people that I still know from there be any different now because I would live closer? I would have a different best friend, a different boyfriend, a different neighbor, different teachers.

Amazing how one event can change and shape your entire life and the person you become. But when you think about the past and what could have been you also think about the present and realize what couldn't have happened. If I had never moved I wouldn't have known all the people I do now. I wouldn't have ever met the amazing friends I have. I wouldn't be dating my awesome boyfriend (kev ^_-). I wouldn't have known and learned from some great teachers and coaches I have had. I wouldn't have had the same good and bad experiences. I wouldn't have learned the same lessons from the same mistakes. There is so much weight placed on the decisions we make in our lives, and time can't be rewinded or changed. The people we surround ourselves with shape our lives and even the way we think sometimes. It might be nice to have a Fairy Godmother once in awhile to set things straight in our lives and guarantee a happy-ending. But if we had that guarantee... where is the adventure in life? What is our purpose? Why would we try as hard? It's better if your fate isn't written in the stars, that your tale isn't already finished. You write your own story and decide what you want to do with your own life. You make your own decisions, grant your own wishes, face your own monsters, and create your own happy-ending.

Like Dynamite Near a Flame

Well I figured it was time to write again.. plus I blogged on paper during my math class on thursday and figured I would post it here to vent. Wednesday had been going pretty smoothly up until about the middle of ninth period english. It seems as if things always start to go downhill by the time english comes around. Figures. Halfway through the period, after listening to Sorrentino vivaciously read Macbeth's part aloud for 25 minutes, two girls from my track team burst into the room and breathlessly tell me that the bus is waiting for me to leave for divisionals. My first response to that was "... WHAT?!" 1) No-one had informed me that we were leaving school early. 2) I wasn't changed nor had any of my stuff. I had seen at least half of the track team during the course of the day and not one of them said anything about it to me. So, naturally, when a select few members gave me an attitude about it, I was livid. Not to mention that on Tuesday, our day off, I showed up to a practice at 8 in the morning only to find out that there was no coach there and that it was cancelled.

So after a bus ride where I blasted music on my ipod and stared out the window, we arrived at Connetquot High School. I got changed there and I felt a little sick to my stomach for some reason. Then I had to sit around and do pretty much nothing for five hours because the 4x400 relay was at 7'oclock at night. To make things worse, when I actually did run I wasn't happy with my performance. I was 3 seconds off from my best time and we didn't make it back for finals. I didn't want to end the season like that. After divisionals we went to McDonalds (which I didn't even want in the first place). While we were at McDonalds my cell phone got stolen. I frantically searched around the restaurant for it, called it with Alex's cell phone, and finally realized that somebody must have taken it. They kept clicking "ignore" when I called. I hadn't flipped out in awhile.. and I called the phone again, enraged, and left a vindictive/furious voicemail on MY OWN phone. Then I deactivated it and hoped that by some off-chance it would explode in the hand of the person who stole it. I felt bad enough about it already by the time I go home, yet I got scolded for being irresponsible by my parents.

So Wednesday sucked and Thursday wasn't much better. I have a terrible temper lately. Normally I'm very laid back and don't let things bother me too easily, but my fuse keeps getting shorter and shorter. I am a time bomb, ticking away, threatening to explode at any given moment. I'm like a glass thermometer, with the fiery mercury rising ever-so-slightly, higher and higher until the glass is on the verge of cracking; or worse, shattering. I can't really explain why I'm so stressed out lately, but I don't like this at all. It could be because people keep pushing my buttons, bugging me and then acting shocked when I lose my temper. Or mistake me trying to control my temper as giving them an attitude. That drives me crazy. *bangs head against keyboard* Or it could be because of certain people I dislike trying to make everyone's lives a living hell. Or it could be because someone acts differently behind my back and she has the nerve to try and move in where she has no business. Or maybe I just want to sleep in my own comfortable bed again. In either case, I don't like feeling stressed out. I have knots in my back, I'm not sleeping well, and I want things to go back to normal.